Through the passage of time, I have found my mark
And I look back to see how treacherous it was, to embark.
I recall a moment of slashed wrists and a broken plate
A baby crying in the back, while he lay in wait.
I sat in a corner as people walked by
And observed that they lived while I tried to die.
The wells of my emotions had all run dry.
The body was stiff but craved the touch of
One so great who would want so much.
And I looked and I took but they were wrong
Yet even still, I went along.
I knew in my heart that I should walk away
But I craved and I yearned for a voice that would stay.
Someone to see me for who I am
To just once get it right, even if it meant putting up a fight
Thinking I must fix it, assuming it was my fault, to hold this
Relationship and behave like an adult.
In and out of the rooms I would go
Putting on one hell of a show.
I danced and sang and praised and played
While they sucked up the juices and
Fed in to my demise.
I saw the noose hanging above the trap
While I ate and supped on all of their lies.
And when I searched for my mother once more
To give me some respite and nurture these wounds.
Hoping to get a tender embrace, instead she would slap me in my face.
She would call out the shadows from within
And laugh as they sprang forth; ripping the scars on my skin.
There I would sit in a void.
Numb to this renewed place I so wanted to avoid.
Stuck in a web from conception to light
I would scream and cry out wishing it would disappear with the night.
Alas, I am here as is she and the trees are filled with my memories.
I struggle and plod forward with all of my might
Working up the courage to make it alone; assuming that I have the right
And thinking that one day I may become known
When the stone turns and the walls collapse and out of this I won’t relapse.
I dream and I write and I scour my brain, looking for the answers out on the plain.
To imagine this is possible to think that I can,
Like the train who would and could and should make it up to that terrain.
I walked as I thought until I came up with a plan.
Would it work? I wondered as I thought out in haste,
I didn’t want this to be one big waste.
To my surprise the person inside began to emerge
And I saw the words cause the fears to purge
The rage and torment slipped behind the gate
As I felt my fingers once more and I began to create.
Jeannine Vegh 