Watch the above video first, to understand what the Zeigarnik Effect is and think about not having closure with a narcissist as you watch this. Unfinished business. Being discarded. This also speaks to grief and feeling that you were unable to say what you needed to say, or questions you wanted answered at the end of someone’s life. Someone sent me a different video from Facebook this morning and my mind immediately went to narcissism and the hold it has on us when we are let go, like we never existed in their life. Yes, this can also be explained by cognitive dissonance, but I think what keeps us stuck (re-occurring thoughts) is the Zeigarnik Effect.
Usually when you ask a long-term married couple what made their relationship a success, they will say “communication.” This is a familiar tried and tested term they probably heard other people say. It is not really an answer, it is a word that requires an explanation. What does communication mean? And, the magic answer is two people (or more) listening to one another. Whether you are in a conference room, a relationship, talking to friends at happy hour, listening is the key to having good communication. We can talk all day long but if it isn’t registering, if the person isn’t validating and asking clarifying questions, if they are dissociating, if they are looking away from you often and not really turning toward you, if there is defensiveness (or criticism, contempt or stonewalling), they are not listening and therefore you are not communicating. You are talking. So, let’s dig deeper to talk about what this really looks like.
Getting married the second time around – for both of us, we had our eyes wide open. This was more honest, clear, conscious and rewarding.
As a result, there were no young adult expectations, everything was discussed up front and no uncommunicated concerns about moving forward in marriage. Our first marriages lasted about five minutes – so to speak, both were abusive, emotionally and mentally immature and both had no qualms about breaking vows. Oddly, both our ex’s were veterans, though I don’t blame the military for their lack of responsibility – mental health issues were clearly to blame. Paul and I believe in loyalty, fidelity and emotional commitment. We are clear that this marriage is for the rest of our lives and we treat our marriage, as we have our relationship the last three years, as a team. Nothing will change for us, other than we are “legal” now and our love became even deeper as we said our vows. What lessons I have learned about getting married and the process of having a wedding, I will share with you here.
AI’s attempt at creating a photo of Jung, Nietzsche and Gandhi having a discussion.
My best sessions are those in which a client is there to learn, to grow, to explore, to heal. I enjoy someone who comes in ready to go. Who shows up on time (or lets me know they are on their way) because this means they respect the process and my time. I am there to aide you on your journey. I don’t know everything but I do know psychology. I trust my intuition to guide me. I trust your body language or the somatic resonance created in the room that I am witnessing.
Next month when I marry the man I love, I will be 64 years old. It is both of our second time around but this time it is conscious, eyes wide open, no lies, no abuse, no bs. The sales person in one of the jewelry stores was wanting me to act excited over a ring, she was in her 20’s. I explained that it isn’t like I am shocked or surprised or grateful that this man wants to marry me. I know exactly what I am getting in to. We bought our rings from someone who was kind and unconcerned about my expression. While she was in her 20’s as well, she was grateful for the sale. She wasn’t pushy or annoying, just being herself. I know who I am now and it is the lessons I learned along the way, the aging process that brought me to my older wiser more comfortable self. There are no surprises anymore, just choice.
Before you say “I Do,” make sure they are a good fit for you. Ask questions, listen, ask more questions to clarify, and this goes on throughout your relationship and into your marriage. As you evolve into this new person and this couple.
Marriage has its ups and downs. There are days when you want to pack it up and leave, and days when you are so very much in love. The strength of a marriage is a testament to commitment, values, faith and of course love. All of these four components must be understood by both of you before you say “I Do.” Let’s examine this a little further.
(photo credits: Aciafrica.org) Not a coincidence that it only took a day to decide he would be pope.
I am not a Catholic and never have been AND, I am not saying Pope Leo IS Jesus, just to clear this up. He is a voice of reason to our Roman Emperor Tiberius (Trump) and his Praetorian Prefect Sejanus (Vance), and all the other antagonizing leaders from across the land. He is a world leader that brings balance to all the chaos and conflict that we face daily in the news. He may not be literally turning water into wine, but he is cleaning up the bazaar with his voice on the stage, while going to various countries observing and commenting.
Can you think of other famous women who prevailed, while or after being married to a Narcissist? It helps to remember, and helps us to stay strong and not give up hope.
Here I have shown you Catherine the Great. She was married to Pytor, a Russian Tsar, for a moment. The royal house conducted a coup d’état, and boom, he was gone. Catherine was Empress of Russia longer than any other monarch in that country.
Eleanor Roosevelt had a husband who embarrassed our country by sleeping with every woman he could get his hands on. While he was a great president in many respects, Eleanor is seen as being the first female president to some. She advised him, gave speeches, travelled the country, held press conferences with women journalists only. She survived by focusing on what she could do and could control, not by what she couldn’t.
Frida Kahlo is a famous Mexican painter, who was married to Diego Rivera, another famous Mexican painter (famous before marrying her). He slept with anyone and everyone, including her sister, before she could not take it anymore. And, before this, (and after) she focused on her art, staying strong despite her many miscarriages and terrible medical issues. She also had her own lovers. In the end, Frida is the one whom Mexicans have in their shop windows, whom they revere so much. Even Mexican restaurants in the U.S., you can find images of her, whereas you will see Diego in California doctor’s offices. She was quite an amazing woman.
And who can forget Princess Diana. A lovely woman, who learned on the day before her marriage that her husband to be was in love with another (who he is married to now). Yet, Princess Diana was more famous, more loved and will be while her husband is the King now and not many people care – except his loyal followers. She did more for the homeless, AIDS, raising awareness about land mines, and many other things. While she had a tragic death, which only made her more of a saint, her memory and contributions will live on. King Charles? Who cares. The world waits for her son and daughter-in-law to take his place. Right now, her ex is nothing more than a token object. A tradition, a bump on the log.
So, who can you think of? Don’t be shy. Comment below with your answer.
Yesterday morning, 12/1/25, I published an ebook, seen above through Books2Read. Last night, while reading “Nobody’s Girl,” By Virginia Roberts Giuffre, I was caught off guard by a passage she wrote in her book on pages 113-114. I thought to myself, Wow! I wish I had known she wrote this amazing explanation, as it is better than mine. It explains what I am capturing in this title from a survivors perspective. Or, to put it more bluntly “From the horses mouth.” She loved horses, so I think she would appreciate this.
I want to include the passage here for your own discovery and so that you might consider reading her book – to learn more, as well as reading my book for the emotional support. I will come back here, when I am finished reading Nobody’s Girl as I want to pay tribute to this very well written book. For now:
It probably goes without saying that, given what my father and his friend Forrest had done to me when I was a child, being trafficked by Epstein and Maxwell was painfully triggering. To the extent that I saw the two of them as pseudo-parental figures, their disregard for my welfare as they lent me out for sex made me feel a familiar strain of worthlessness. But at times, that familiarity was weirdly comforting. This is complicated to explain, but that echo of past hurts was somehow bearable to me because I’d felt it-and somehow endured it-so many times before. It was like finding myself once more in a room I’d lived in for years. I hated that room, but I knew its contours-the shape of its windows, the nap of its carpet beneath my feet, the click of the door lock when it was thrown. I knew I could exist in that room because I’d existed there before. At that point, at least, this made me feel less afraid.
This is what I am trying to express in my title “The Uncomfortable Comfortableness with a Narcissist.” The familiarity was/is weirdly comforting and Virginia goes on to add how her visual and audio senses are enlisted by her hatred for this comfortableness. The shape of the windows, the nap of the carpet on her feet, the click of the door lock. She knew how to be in that place, as it was so familiar. Since it was so familiar, she wasn’t even as afraid.
In my book, I am helping you to discover the different parts of our self that are employed as our agency is taken away, while we are being lured into a relationship with the narcissist. Unsuspectingly – at first – yet somehow very comforting, very familiar, very Déjà vu. Once you are in, the uncomfortable knowledge that OMG! I am here again. Now what?
No worries, I am providing you with psycho-education to become more conscious of this process, along with six helpful homework assignments to begin re-discovering your sense of self. When you use these tools, along with a psychotherapist of your choosing, whom you can find to support you on this journey, these are the keys to moving forward in your life. To having a healthy relationship and never going back to the uncomfortable comfortableness ever again.
My ebook is finally here and I can’t wait for you to read it and provide a review to help others who are struggling with this topic. You can find the book at Books2Read through a variety of your favorite ebook publishers. Today is the first day, so if you don’t see your favorite publisher yet, it may be there tomorrow. Hoopla will take a couple of weeks so please be patient!
Uncomfortable Comfortableness is an easy read-in-one-day, with six wonderful homework assignments to keep you thinking. I have been working on this for many months at the same time preparing workshops on this very same topic. It finally occurred to me, I needed something quick and easy. A book that gets right to the point. Another therapist came up with a similar concept – quick and easy for couples. I told her to publish it and then I thought – why don’t I do this for survivors? Well, here it is, just in time for Christmas/Hannukah/Winter Solstice or whatever holiday you might celebrate at this time of the year.
Thank you for shopping and again, leave a review if you don’t mind, so others might consider picking up a copy for themselves.
A Frequent Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love--Plus More . . . with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
