When I typed in this term on Duck Duck Go, the Search Assist told me this: “Flying monkeys refer to individuals who enable or assist a narcissist in their manipulative behaviors, often without realizing the harm they are causing. They may spread gossip, act as spies, or defend the narcissist, typically due to manipulation or a desire to please.” What I had already seen as a pattern in narcissistic relationships was a person that I termed “The Priority Female,” and now realize there are Priority Male’s as well. What does this look like?
Personally, I can only imagine as I did not grow up in one nor was I allowed to raise my own. However, I am reading a political book right now, about a very famous/infamous (depending on who would hear the name) woman and her hidden subtitle might be “Growing Up in a Healthy Household.” I am withholding her name because I want to focus on my intent here. Her book is a very controversial but factual storyline about a life changing event in our country. Her father is a previous Vice-President and the two of them wrote a book together. Her mother has written several books, one of which she brought up in this book – that I will be reading next. As she writes about her family, brought up for various reasons, it is to share different things within the context of her book. For me, it kept hitting home, what it must be like to have two healthy parents.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent, you make do. You try to follow the rules, deal with the lack of boundaries, cry a lot – even though your told not to, become a scapegoat when you are the oldest (often but not always), get yelled at, compared to, and told things like “Why can’t you be more like…” When I looked back at my “diary” in a little pink book from this middle school time period, I never said a word about physical abuse or emotional abuse and certainly nothing about narcissism. How did I know? I complained about not being allowed to do something or what a day I had had or whether I was going to my friends house to hang out. You would never know from the outside looking in and you would not know from the inside looking out. You are a kid with no psychological training.
Unless you are licensed in the psychology profession and have some training or knowledge in the field of personality disorders, and you have had personal or professional contact with this person, it is not narcissism, it is purely speculation.
When I first heard this song, it was a “wind down” from a spinning class. The teacher had eclectic tastes in music. I wasn’t quite sure what all the words were and when he told me the band I had never heard of them. From what little I did hear though, I knew I needed to hear it as soon as I got home. Little did I know, I was about to witness an amazing video that it is hard not to be captivated by.
The music and lyrics immediately pull you in and you definitely DON’T want to listen if you are having a bad day. Very depressing.
What I hear is the song of a woman in a relationship with a very controlling person. A little different then the obvious lyrics of Voices Carry by Til Tuesday. “I’m your dolly stuffed with extra baggage.” She came into this relationship as a very vulnerable person, who is at this point not even human. The cartoon doll in this video is poignant as it portrays the slow motion, the dragging of a person with major depressive disorder. What I especially like was the red yarn. I asked myself what this was symbolic of an intuitively, I received the answer “a web of lies.”
Remember as kid when you and your siblings would go down the “you started it,” trail? The emotional immaturity does not stop when you are in a relationship with a narcissist. You are in a relationship with them and want to hold them accountable to something and they immediately go on the defense with a “Well, you did this.” You get so focused on what they are saying, trying to please them, that you start forgetting what you wanted to have that conversation with them for in the first place. Sound familiar? Perhaps you need to keep reading.
A relationship is hard work but when two people are committed to each other equally then you have a better chance of surviving the long haul. Notice I said equally. If you are in a narcissistic relationship, you are probably the one making the choice to stay and are committed to the relationship yourself. The narcissist is committed but not making a “choice,” it is just a decision, nor are they working hard to make things work. Generally they might say “I am not the one with the problem, you are.” Ouch! That bites. This is a very arrogant statement too. Relationship is about two people not one. If one is hurting, the other should be concerned about this.
As I was talking to a client the other day, they spoke of their shock and now a feeling of the “reality sinking in,” but still having no clue what happened, I kept thinking about how to explain this. I suddenly said that it felt like it was invisible, or stealth and seemed like gaslighting. Many people break-up with a partner, there is no clue at all, some thoughts but no idea about the “why.” The reality is the cognitive dissonance, remembering all the good times they had and then out of nowhere “the rug is pulled out from under them.”
Cognitive dissonance can occur in a range of different situations. Simply put, cognitive dissonance is having two very different thoughts or beliefs about something at the same time. It is very common in emotionally abusive situations and in relationships with narcissists.
Tina Turner’s bio-movie in 1993, “What’s Love Got to Do With it,” starring Angela Bassett and Laurence Fishburne (as Ike Turner), was probably the first celebrity “coming out” about domestic violence. Tina, married Ike at a very young age of 23. She knew him for six years before this, though they were not a couple the whole time. At the time of their marriage, he had two sons, she had a son and they had a son together. Ike, turned out to be violently abusive, pushed drugs/alcohol on her and was a womanizer to boot. Tina actually tried to consider suicide at one point in the marriage. I think the movie really made people think about him as a person, but also made her a heroine.
A Frequent Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love--Plus More . . . with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
