Watch the above video first, to understand what the Zeigarnik Effect is and think about not having closure with a narcissist as you watch this. Unfinished business. Being discarded. This also speaks to grief and feeling that you were unable to say what you needed to say, or questions you wanted answered at the end of someone’s life. Someone sent me a different video from Facebook this morning and my mind immediately went to narcissism and the hold it has on us when we are let go, like we never existed in their life. Yes, this can also be explained by cognitive dissonance, but I think what keeps us stuck (re-occurring thoughts) is the Zeigarnik Effect.
When you are discarded at the end of a relationship and receive nothing but a text, or ghosting or even gaslighting, you are confused and in shock. Now, this ending takes up space in your mind and occupies your thoughts day in and day out. You are unable to get your work done, unable to hang out with friends, enjoy life because you are bewildered with this task that is undone and will never be undone – more than likely. If there had been an honest conversation and questions had been answered, there would be no issue with moving forward.
In order to let this go, first, you must sit with the pain and take the time to learn from it:
- What caused me to attract this person in the first place?
- If they do not want to be with me, and are doing their level best to destroy what we had, why is it so important that I want to fight to get them back – or hope that they will come back?
- How has this depleted my confidence or self-esteem?
- Why am I choosing to hold on to this person who has a weak ego?
These seem like harsh questions, when you are sitting in your grief and shock, but when we can push ourselves through this horrible ordeal by looking at the reality of the event, we can bring closure to ourselves. Start by writing down these answers and thinking this through.
In order to survive a crisis, we must be strong and persistent in wanting to go forward, no matter what. This is what causes people to succeed in a crisis – wanting to come out on top, wanting to live, wanting to become a better person in the end.
When you focus on the damage and stay a victim, a martyr and feeling sorry for the perpetrator (or focused on your anger), you will not succeed. Ultimately, if we are able to take responsibility for our own part in the situation, we will come out on top. We will see what we need to do differently going forward. We will realize our own vulnerability and determine to rise above this. I think the best way is sitting with the silence until the answer appears. This is the most uncomfortable homework assignment, so try this in meditation – even if the racing thoughts keep coming back, keep sitting and breathing, bringing yourself back to the meditation.
In the end, you want to focus on finding a partner and friends who support and respect you. You don’t need anyone to live your life. It is more important to find people who fit your lifestyle, not the ones that you fit into.
