The Survivor of the Narcissistic Parent Meets the Narcissistic Partner

I write what I am learning. I teach as I grow. I make the same mistakes as anyone else, only my skills show me how to coach people based on what I have uncovered. I am not right, I just write what becomes aware to me as it happens. When I have been in relationship to men, I have hidden behind them and not been my true self. I have been afraid, just as my clients have been afraid, because we were taught to be. When it is over, I reflect and feel the guilt and shame of not having said what I should have said. Of not standing up for myself. Of not really being the partner to them because I was too busy trying to make them love me. This is what happens when you are the survivor of the narcissistic parent. You meet the narcissistic partner and dance with them using the same song you were taught as a child. I will make you love me, no matter what it takes. When you do, I will finally succeed in having the love I have always wanted. Because, if I can make you love me, I will have finally turned this wrong into a right. Jeannine Vegh, M.A., I.M.F.T.

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Staying True to the Self in a Relationship – Ellen’s Story

My first two videos (part 1 and 2) in a series I am creating called Staying True to the Self in a Healthy Relationship. These first two videos are of a couple who have been married for 50 years and had a six year break in between. They have one adult child and a grandchild. Subscribe to my Youtube channel after watching one of these and you will be able to watch all the videos I have created there.

Part I Ellen’s Story

Part 2 Ellen’s Story

Love in Any Language

Four months ago, I created my first video for DiscerningGal.com, where I interviewed award winning author, Evelyn Kohl LaTorre, for her first book “Between Inca Walls.” The second book entitled “Love in Any Language,” is the part two. In fact, when you begin to read this book – should you have read the first one, you will feel as if this books starts where the last one left off. And, this is the point. Many people were curious what happened to Antonio and Evelyn; once they left Peru. We are indulged with this beautiful story about a couple who’s marriage spans five and a half decades, as we speak. The book ends about three decades later and we are on our seats for the entire roller coaster ride.

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Pain and Suffering Toward Enlightenment

For the past seven months, I have been numb…as I walked in the desert alone – in silence and prayer or meditation. I have come to know God in a renewed way; as I took this path on a contemplative journey. The pain and suffering of losing yet one more relationship at 59, took a hold of me and wouldn’t let go. Realizing, that once again, I had given up on myself while trying to please them and one more time being blamed. This time something completely made up and fabricated to get rid of me. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back and yet, while I hoped to get an apology and for the nightmare to be over, I began to realize, month by month, this was just not going to come.

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Taking Responsibility Rather Than Blaming

In our society today, all we hear is the term “victim shaming,” blaming, and apologizing. We never, ever hear anyone just taking responsibility for the situation. We don’t hear enlightenment. But, then this would not be sensational. People who are self-aware do not often get drama or excitement from the press or social media. Not unless you are in a Yoga, New Age, Spirituality, or Meditation forum or app.

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Love Between Equals: An Excerpt

This is an excerpt from Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D. in her book “Love Between Equals Relationship as a Spiritual Path” (page 118).

Personal love becomes true love, as you recall, when you can feel at home with your beloved because you trust what you see in the mirror: it’s not too wonderful (or demanding of perfection) nor is it too awful or dispiriting. It’s important to remember, when you are on the path of true love, you both have come to trust what you see in the mirror of each other’s eyes. In order for personal love to become true love, the relationship has to have equality, reciprocity, and mutuality, and the reflections of each other need to be Whole Self to Whole Self, which includes what is ideal and what is limited in both people. Why is equality important on this path? Why do partners have to be equals in order for disillusionment to transform into intimacy and ongoing trust? Because the equality signals that both partners want primarily to be with each other in the reality of what they both are – strengths and limitations. The relationship does not feel like a prison but instead feels freely chosen on the basis of knowledge of the self and other.

Love Never Fails: Commitment Does

If love never fails, according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, then why does it? Why do men or women simply give up and walk away rather than choosing to work on themselves and their partnership? To say “I love you,” signifies that this other being holds value for you. That this person is significant to you.

However, just as a person says they are a Christian (or a Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, etc…) does not mean that they hold this value as sacrosanct. Someone said to me that many people hold the word “integrity” as a shield in front of them. I know this to be true because the person who said that was holding a shield in front of them about many things. The concept of being fraudulent and not having integrity is a foreign thought to me. Being mindful about what I say and do is something I hold very dear. However, I see couples in life and in my practice who fall apart because they are stubborn, egotistical, fighting to be right, or they are just not meant to be.

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The New Beginning

I embrace this post with all my heart as it spoke to me and where I am at in my life right now. A holy relationship is a relationship founded in mutual trust, respect, love, passion, commitment and spiritual direction – serving whomever you serve and having a relationship that embraces your beliefs. It is much more but these are just my thoughts in this moment. The special relationship is that which serves the ego.

MIRACLES EACH DAY

The new beginning you are called to now is a new beginning that, like all others that you have offered or attempted, will take place in relationship.  The difference is that this new beginning will take place in holy rather than special relationship.  (A Course of Love, T3:15.9)

We have arrived at a good place now. We are beginning anew, as we have in the past, but with a difference. Our new beginning will no longer be housed in special relationships that only promised us the good but did not deliver consistently. Our new beginning, this time, will come in the warmth of holy relationships. We have found the elixir, and we will not turn back from its bounty now.

How do we know that we are surrounded by holy relationships? We are not out for #1 anymore, at least not exclusively. We love others as we love ourselves, for…

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Surviving the Narcissist

My premier course is now available at Udemy.com and I hope you will take the time to sign up and take the class! I think you will find it will enrich your life by learning more about what the Narcissist is, how it has effected your life and much more. Thank you!

Healthy, Authentic Love: Is this You and Your Partner?

Tonight, I had two mallards (male and female) that appeared on my front lawn while I was grooming the flower beds. The male was very aware of his position in this animal kingdom. He was dutifully watching over his lover as she nested on the grass. They moved their seats when I got up to cart the weed barrel, down to the road, for the garbage men tomorrow. The male moved carefully behind the female, keeping an eye on her that no one would disturb her. As she foraged under my fir trees, he continued to gaze on her and make sure she was taken care of. What a beautiful sight to behold.

Healthy, authentic love is exactly this. Two people taking care of each other, watching over one another, doting on each other. More is written online about unhealthy, abusive, narcissistic love – it would seem, than healthy, loving relationships and with this, it causes negativity to shine over couples. As a result, they are always picking on one another based on what they read. How can we expect couples to succeed if they don’t know what good honest love looks like?

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