Conversations: A Way to Open Doors

Social media has forced society into new ways of living their lives. When I grew up, people stopped by to visit, we asked them to stay for coffee and dessert or even dinner. We were good hosts. We had conversations. Sometimes these turned into debates in a Hungarian household (and I assume any European one would be the same). It wasn’t fueled with hatred or venom, just trying to understand each other in a loud voice with arms swinging while they spoke. This was healthy because people were in discussion. The walk to the door started and ended with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Now, instead of visiting each other and having conversations, we are stuck with posting, replies, ghosting and gaslighting. This has become normal that no one even bats an eye anymore when they hear about this. Offenders feel entitled to ghost or gaslight because they read an article about it. Anger has ensued as a result of this. Kids are committing suicide, people are being killed and its all in a day’s cycle of venting their hostility, their fears, their pain, their inability to have a conversation with someone.

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Temptation (1946 film) – The Trauma Bond Experience

Last night I went on Youtube to look for something interesting and different to watch. I had no idea I could actually watch an entire film without advertising, while not being a payer. I clicked on the link thinking it was a critic engaging in a discussion of the film and ended up watching this wonderful storyline.

The film stars Merle Oberon who was a British-Asian actress (her Asian heritage was a secret to the audience in that time period). This was my first time to see her in a movie other than Wuthering Heights. In Temptation, a woman named Ruby is looking to strengthen her financial picture, and goes after an Egyptologist, Nigel. She shares her secret ambitions with her doctor, assuming that he must keep this secret. She assumes he does. Her marriage takes her to Egypt, and she leads a very boring life until she meets Mahmoud Baroudi. This is when the trauma bond begins.

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Isabelle Huppert – Talking About Elle

Isabelle Huppert is being interviewed by an Arabic man by the name of Husam Sam Asi. This is in English but it has Arabic subtitles. I was not impressed with his questions but I was taken by Isabelle’s ability to handle these questions. She is not trying to please him or anyone. She is simply being herself and not being taken in by the political correctness. He on the other hand, looks upset and frustrated that she is not agreeing with him. I found her responses to be ruthless and yet noble, diplomatic and sophisticated.

The questions meet an American audiences whims, so they will be attractive to Americans. However, this interview clearly shows that Europeans are much more mature.

The Worst Person in the World – Norway

I resonated with Julie and the confusion she has as a young woman. The movie doesn’t end with less confusion, just that she has grown a little more as a person. This is normal with foreign films, as only Americans seem to need to be nurtured at the end of the film. I like the foreign way because it is more realistic to me. No one’s life ends with a nurtured ending. It ends with the choices we made and whether we have learned anything from it or not.

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What did Victoria do?

How friends can learn about building friendships in the face of what Victoria went through.

Ohio Women's History

Victoria Woodhull was shunned by women, in her time period, for being a free thinker. She was shunned for having views that weren’t proper for women at that time. Even though she was a suffrage and worked tirelessly to get us the right to vote, even speaking before the House of Representatives (House Judiciary Committee back then), and almost succeeding – she did not because of her views that differed from other women. While they shared the same suffrage values, they did not share her other values. They made sure SHE was not given credit for giving them the right to vote. Kind of stupid don’t you think? Most women’s arguments are like this: baseless, judgmental, hurtful, insecure and disrespectful. Today, you are expected to appreciate THEIR boundaries, but it doesn’t matter what yours are. Phyllis Chessler, has written an excellent book, that I share all the time. It is…

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Buried Secrets: Akron, Ohio via New Britain, CT

A compelling story that you will want to read.

Ohio Women's History

Anne Hanson has written a remarkable memoir about her family. What it is really about though, is a woman forced to abandoned her child in the 1920’s due to Domestic Violence. This is her grandmother. Why I related to this book so passionately, is the fact that I was forced to do the same thing through Family Law Court in 1982. A time before the Family Reunification Act of 1987 and prior to Domestic Violence being a recognized issue of concern. Also, prior to my work with CPS (Children’s Protective Services) and being a psychotherapist in private practice. However, you can see that times did not change for a very long period. And, Narcissists get away with a great deal of things in court, even today.


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Healthy Relationships Don’t Have Blaming or Punishment

Healthy relationships are not blaming you by twisting something that you said around – they take responsibility for their own actions. Healthy Relationships do not punish you with passive aggressive tactics such as not allowing you to attend an event they invited you to or not calling for several days. The key word here is Boundaries and the person you are with respecting these boundaries. If they do, you are in a healthy relationship, if they don’t, you are being blamed and punished.

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Romantic Delusion – Dissociation hit by Cupid’s Arrow

Imagine you are on a second or third date with a very handsome man. There is something that draws you into his face. His smile, his eyes, his generosity, his warmth. You find yourself lapping up everything he has to say. Then you come home and you talk to your friends about how it went. What did he say? You can tell them where he works, how old he is, what he looks like, even how many siblings he has. When it comes to answering questions about his previous relationship, what he wants for the future, any tensions he might have brought up with family or friends, or anything at all of substance that may have seemed to be a conversation that triggered you in some way – you draw a blank.

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A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing – The Covert Narcissist

“The mind in conflict with itself is dangerous to itself, and of course, by extension, to everyone else in all dimensions.  Therefore, indeed, beloved friends, beware of those that come in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.  Beware of the viciousness of the ego within your own mind.”  (“The Way of Transformation,” The Way of Mastery, Lesson 22, Page 266)

Ah, those sheep. They are so handsome, so sexy, or even when they are not, there is something about their character that draws you in like Little Red Riding Hood thinking it is Grandma. In psychotherapy, we talk about countertransference and transference issues. This is when a characteristic of the other person, makes us think of someone else and we transfer those thoughts onto that person. For example, Little Red Riding Hood is so focused on her ego telling her “This is Grandma’s house, so the person answering the door MUST be Grandma.” Her gut feelings told her that she had “Big Eyes,” today and “Big Ears,” and “Big Hands,” but little red’s ego kept insuring her, in compliance with the wolf, that he was in fact her Grandma.

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Having a Healthy Relationship After a Narcissist

Watch this or read the blog below! Whichever you prefer.

I am a psychotherapist in the Columbus, Ohio area. I have been working with survivors of narcissists for many years and during this time I continue to find new ways to help support the survivor as I learn myself. In my own evolution or increasing self-awareness as a psychology professional and a survivor of narcissism.

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