Usually when you ask a long-term married couple what made their relationship a success, they will say “communication.” This is a familiar tried and tested term they probably heard other people say. It is not really an answer, it is a word that requires an explanation. What does communication mean? And, the magic answer is two people (or more) listening to one another. Whether you are in a conference room, a relationship, talking to friends at happy hour, listening is the key to having good communication. We can talk all day long but if it isn’t registering, if the person isn’t validating and asking clarifying questions, if they are dissociating, if they are looking away from you often and not really turning toward you, if there is defensiveness (or criticism, contempt or stonewalling), they are not listening and therefore you are not communicating. You are talking. So, let’s dig deeper to talk about what this really looks like.

In yesterday’s article United States of Babylon, I was harsh in discussing my feelings about the current political climate and the state of our world. I could have spent hours discussing this. This is a blog post though, so I am speaking at, rather then with. Some people will agree and some will not. Either way is fine with me. We all have a right to our opinion – The First Amendment to the Constitution. However, how would our world look if the politicians in D.C. got together and really listened to one another – without bias – and validated what the person was saying, asked clarifying questions and maybe requested some research so they could consider the topic a little further? We would have a whole different country if so. But, this doesn’t happen. They talk to each other with biased ears and expectations and judgements with regard to the person who is speaking. If that person is on their team, they will listen – but still in a biased way, if they are not on their team, they are automatically wrong. This is why topics like abortion, gun control, gender, homelessness, etc… will go on forever. No one is listening and therefore it will never be solved. On top of this, there is NO cooperation unless they are going to make some money out of it or get some voters to align with them.

With a couple, the issue is emotional and physical. You are having sex, you live together (or you don’t, but are considering this). You have feelings for them and so you are stuck in dealing with someone who won’t listen, who is disrespectful in some way, maybe they are immature, or a narcissist and you want very much to make it work. Maybe you are a couple who has different views about politics or about having children, or about dealing with people in your family. You love this person, you love being with this person, but you can’t communicate. One of the things that really causes me to get frustrated is when a person says to me “They are my best friend but I can’t talk to them.” in a round about way. I will say “I don’t have any best friends that I can’t talk to.” Then I will coach them on communicating. I explain to them what I am saying here, a truly healthy relationship is one where there is effective communication – each are listening to the other respectfully and with the intent of hearing where their partner is coming from. So, let’s look at this further.

How to build skills in listening to someone. Practice the ideas below until you master them and these behaviors will become something that comes natural to you.

1. Eye Contact – You hear this all the time, as this is the number one behavior to have when you are listening to someone. There is staring, which can be creepy, where you are looking at someone but you are not really looking. Then there is looking intently at the person with the feeling inside that you really want to hear what they are saying. That what they have to say is valuable. If you do this, a person will realize you are paying attention. Your feelings will show up through your eyes. I do this in every workshop I take and I can tell you the presenter always knows I am focused and paying attention. I see it through their body language, but I also know it is helpful to them to know someone is there. I have been in their shoes, so I get it. Which takes me to the word Empathy.
2. Empathy – This shows you care about someone. It is not hard work to show this emotion, but many people struggle with this. Mental illness aside, and yet this is not really an excuse if you work on becoming a better person because you want to. Empathy means that you have a sense of what the person is saying. You don’t “understand” which is a no no word to say. You can’t possibly understand what someone is going through. You are not them. But, you can have a sense of it. You want to say something like “I see where you are coming from.” This can imply that you think you have an idea, but it would be helpful to clarify, “So, if I understand you correctly, you think that the situation is like this because of these two points you made. I wonder how you came to this conclusion?” The first sentence, holds the persons attention because you empathized. The second sentence is showing that you want to know more and now you have elevated them to expert on what they are saying and it might empower them to feel more confident in talking with you. Another type of empathy is just showing your feelings. “I would feel sad if that happened to me.” You could say, “I had that situation happen once too and it really hurt.” Unless they ask about your situation, or for advice do not give it. If you do, you have lost them. You aren’t empathizing but grandstanding their sorrow or joy. One upping them. Taking away from what they just said.
3. Clarifying Questions – I mentioned this but let’s look at this more. This means you are honestly interested in what they said. You ask a question to learn more. “Where did you read about this, I’d like to read it too,” or “I want to learn more about this, where could I get information on this?” But, maybe they are talking about a personal situation. “I am sorry that happened to you, how did you handle it?” or “Gosh, that is terrible what was the outcome of that ordeal?” When you want to know more, you are validating and empathizing at the same time. You are holding the speaker’s attention.
4. Tennis Match – A conversation is not just listening, empathizing and clarifying, but also talking to them about this topic from your perspective. Or going on to another topic once you both feel there is a pause or closure with this first discussion (ask if unsure). In other words, you need to wait till the ball is coming in your direction. You could also ask “Can I say something about this?” or “I have a thought about this too.” The speaker will say, “Oh, yes, tell me what you have to say on this subject.” Sometimes, a speaker is not good at stopping and you have to put up a hand (like a stop sign). “Can I ask a question,” or “You have said a lot (or made some great points), but I’d like to get a chance to say something.” Don’t scold them, but just make them aware by starting with, “I see what you are saying here, you think I should…and this has been getting in the way of our relationship.” Take responsibility for what was said. Don’t fight about it, just take responsibility. If you listen first and have accountability, you are on your way to them wanting to hear what you have to say.
5. I statements – It is easier to have someone listen with “I statements” rather then you statements. This is a tuffy because “obviously” you want to believe they were wrong. Saying “I was very hurt when I heard you say bicycling is not an exercise. This is something I love and have been involved with my whole life, so I felt like I was being put down and told my life was a waste. What did you really mean?” You are talking about yourself in the first person, rather than being vague and you are not starting with You Did This, because the person will only hear You Were Wrong. Often when we flub up in relationships, it is not always the right time of day, or we are tired, we are in a rush, we aren’t conscious about being an effective communicator.
6. Listening to respond – A big NO NO. We all are waiting with bated breath to argue our case, to become defensive. But, when we do this, we aren’t really listening to the other person (this is the biggest issue with couples). The ego is getting in the way, the “I am right and I am going to convince you I am right” is worthless and a waste of energy. No one ever listens to this and often a vulnerable person will apologize for the sake of ending the conversation and getting you to shut up. This is not communication, this is dealing with an emotionally abusive person. Instead, listen and then validate and ask a clarifying question. Get to a place where you are the expert in what they just said. This is how you get to know your partner very well and they begin to trust you even more. And, when they trust you, you end up with more intimacy.
7. Repairing a Conflict – There are three R’s that I teach my couples. Return to the conflict, within 24-48 hours (the sooner the better). But, not until you have thought it through. Repair the conflict, this is were someone needs to apologize or take ownership of how they handled the situation poorly. Take the time to explain where your head was at. Why you reacted the way you did – using “I Statements.” Re-address the conflict and listen to the person, empathizing and asking clarifying questions until both of you are satisfied. Rebuild the relationship from the solution to the conflict. How will the two of you handle this situation in the future. If someone forgets, give a gentle reminder, “Remember we agreed…” If a person was listening it could help to calm the conflict.

Above are suggestions on effective ways to communicate in any type of relationship. What often happens is:

1. It gets swept under the rug – You are stonewalled or you are told you made to big of a deal about the whole thing. This means someone could care less about your feelings or what you said. If you are sharing with a friend about someone that they may know, they might say, “Oh, they didn’t mean that, they are a good person, you should let it go.” Again, they are not listening. This is the biggest reason most people who have encountered abuse don’t speak up. No one is listening, they are being told to forget about it, to not worry so much. How to deal with this – speak to someone who WILL listen.
2. Emotional Immaturity – “You win,” or they make fun of what you said, or say “I was just joking.” This is someone who won’t take responsibility for their thoughts and actions. You have to work much harder on this person, or reconsider the relationship value. Maybe they were just joking, and they explain to you where their head was at. This is plausible too. However, if a person is hurt by your joke, you still need to validate and empathize with their feelings. Don’t make them wrong for not getting your joke. But, if you hear they were just joking from them a lot, it is an excuse to not take responsibility for your feelings.
3. Gaslighting – This is the worst of the worst. This is where you return to the conflict and explain the scenario and they flip the switch by turning on you and telling you something that never even happened. They are using emotional manipulation with a story that makes no sense and comes out of left field. If you know this did not happen, you need to step away from the conflict and from this person for good. Someone who gaslights is a pathological liar and not someone you want to be in a relationship with. If it is a family member – walk away and have boundaries with this person.

Listening to someone is the magic wand and if you become really good at this, you WILL have a very good relationship. You will have a person who trusts you and you will have more intimacy as a result. A person who feels loved and accepts your love, will want to be with you more and more.

If you do not listen, don’t be surprised that your spouse is reaching out to someone else who will. I am not saying this is the way to handle the conflict, but if you are not listening, how can they come to you? In a non marital contract, it is best to leave when someone is not listening because they most likely never will. Unless you approach this conflict with them and they agree to work on it themselves. Couples counseling is the best for relationship conflicts and poor communication. Individual counseling is not enough, unless you know that the real underlying reason is trauma, mental illness, or other concerns that are of a personal nature. How will it change by reading this article? It won’t. You need someone to guide you, to hold you accountable, to explain all of this further. Someone who will allow you to practice in the room, who will give you homework and then monitor your progress.

Lastly, when it comes to couples or individual counseling – showing up and complaining is not going to help your relationship. You have to be willing to listen to your therapist and accept the homework you are being given. If the homework doesn’t feel right, ask for what you really need. They may realize they should have given you a different assignment. However, if you do nothing outside of the room and are in therapy to just complain and not take any support, nothing is going to change this way either. Listening is the magic wand. Working on yourself and practicing until you master the principles, will help make you a better communicator.

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P.S. There are also groups out there that help people communicate, such as Toastmasters. Maybe look for one near you. For differences of opinion in a household or family there is Braver Angels.