Marika and Jimmy, a happy Hungarian couple I grew up with. Married with two kids, until her death in the 80’s.
What does a good relationship look like? There is a really good book out called “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts” (1996) by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. This was one of the first books I read on looking at what works in a relationship and I read this prior to graduate school. I was seeking answers myself; curious how people make things happen. When I met a couple that seemed to have a good relationship, I would ask what made them so great. I always heard the good one’s say “communication,” as to why their relationship lasted as long as it did. What does this look like though? If you have grown up in a narcissistic household, where you have lost your sense of self – or in a relationship where you are broken down, it is confusing. I am not sure these really good relationship role models, I met, know the answer themselves. I think they just know this is the secret and it is what everyone says.
This Czech-Polish (2022 – Kanopy) movie could be seen as a modern day love relationship and it is billed as an erotic-drama. But, since it is so important to me that we watch movies consciously – and I use films for homework with my clients – so that we are more self-aware and do not go into a romantic delusion that this is healthy and fun. It is not. The director is very clear of this throughout the film showing us somatically that Petyr is not enjoying this and is being manipulated by his girlfriend Hanka. Here is my fantasy session with Petyr after he comes to see me at the end of the film.
It is really important to heal your wounds before speaking to others about psychology. This goes for psychotherapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and even laymen (or non-professionals). Why? Because there is still so much to learn. Because you don’t really understand yet what is going on. Because you have so much anger and are relaying only part of a very biased story. For professionals, it is easy to project your own pain onto others. It is easy to misunderstand because their story doesn’t fit yours.
Romantic Delusion is dissociation – brain fog – auto pilot. It is when we are seeing or hearing things from the narcissist but are excusing this in our minds. “If I love him…” or “He/She just needs someone who can…” We don’t pay attention to the red flags because we are dismissing them altogether. Until, it is too late.
The narcissist fears being inferior whereas the borderline fears being abandoned. It is a whole lot more than this, so listen to see what you think you are or have dealt with. Both are manipulative but in different ways. It is complex and exhausting but important to understand the difference.
Now here you go again You say you want your freedom Well who am I to keep you down? It’s only right that you should Play it the way you feel it But listen carefully to the sound Of your loneliness Like a heartbeat, drives you mad In the stillness of remembering what you had And what you lost And what you had And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it’s raining Players only love you when they’re playing Say, women, they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know
Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions I keep my visions to myself It’s only me Who wants to wrap around your dreams, and, Have you any dreams you’d like to sell? Dreams of loneliness, Like a heartbeat, drives you mad, In the stillness of remembering What you had, And what you lost, What you had, And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it’s raining Players only love you when they’re playing Say, women, they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know You will know, Oh, you’ll know
Written by: Stephanie Nicks Album: New Jersey 1983 Released: 1983
One day, while driving in the car and listening to the song, I heard that “Players only love you when they’re playing.” I went to my office and played the entire song again and understood the importance of this song to narcissism. Of course, I had heard this song 100 million times before, but like all good music, well, with me, I often listen to the beat – or the sadness – and not always the lyrics. Or, I hear them but don’t piece it together. Until you have been with a “player” the word doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot to you. You just don’t get it. When you have, the song suddenly takes on new meaning.
I think she wrote this song while in a trauma bond with someone that she loved very much and on the precipice of coming back to reality, she hit the revenge button and wrote of her anger toward this piece of shit that dumped her. Now he hears it every time it is sung on the radio. Does he roll his eyes, or take stock in himself?
I enjoy listening to Dr. Gabor Maté’s advice on life, his life, what he has been through to get to this place of experiential knowledge. I use this video in my course for therapists to discuss the topic of people pleasing. I hope you will enjoy it.
How do I see this with men (and women who have more than the narcissist) who are survivors? They are robbed of all their money in court during a divorce.
With women, they are signing legal documents without reading – because they are being pushed into signing through on-going manipulation in the household. They have learned to just do whatever he says.
All survivors will have experienced some trauma symptoms during or after the pathological love relationship (PLR/Pathological Love Relationship = her terms for having a narcissistic abuse partner)
37% have high ACE scores related to adverse childhoods; their trauma usually falls between moderate PTSD-c-PTSD ++ and higher. These survivors may have the history most associated with codependency. (I have not seen PTSD with the majority of my survivors, except when they meet Criteria A, in the DSM 5, measured with testing, and this is generally when they are with an Anti-Social PD, not a NPD ).
63% have low ACE scores and many did not have adverse childhoods. Their trauma was created in the pathological love relationship and usually falls between mild/moderate PTSD. These survivors have the history most associated with super traits of personality (super traits explained in her training).
All survivors have atypical trauma related to the effect of cognitive dissonance on their trauma. (This is what I am seeing).
Most of the time I am working with the 37% and I would say this is 99% of my survivor population. My thoughts are that if I were going to conduct research, I would want to strictly focus on survivors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think this will show some interesting nuances. Sandra L. Brown has written a number of books, that you can find on the internet. If you are a therapist reading this, her workshop is on PESI. This study is referenced on my Resource page above. Please note, this study focused solely on women who were survivors.
A Frequent Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love--Plus More . . . with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
Jeannine Vegh 