Transpersonal Notes: Lies, Betrayal and Forgiveness

Psalm 64:1-10

Hear me, my God, as I voice my complaint; protect my life from the threat of the enemy. Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from the plots of evildoers. They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim cruel words like deadly arrows. They shoot from ambush at the innocent; they shoot suddenly, without fear. They encourage each other in evil plans, they talk about hiding their snares; they say, “Who will see it?” They plot injustice and say, “We have devised the perfect plan!” Surely the human mind and heart are cunning. But God will shoot them with his arrows; they will suddenly be struck down. He will turn their own tongues against them and bring them to ruin; all who see them will shake their heads in scorn. All people will fear; they will proclaim the works of God and ponder what he has done. The righteous will rejoice in the Lord and take refuge in him; all  the upright in heart will glory in him!

How can you read this and not recall the ending of “Dangerous Liaisons,” when Glenn Close’s character, the Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil, is being laughed at, after she walks into the opera house. The movie shows us the conclusion of her lies and deception being flaunted in her face. How often though, does this reality occur for us? What is more typical is that the real life bad guys walk away laughing at us, having felt that they have won the day and thinking they reduced us, the victim, to a piece of trash which they have now taken out with the garbage. Take your power back. Walk away with your head held high. Leave with dignity. Fighting back will make you equal to them and you are much better than this. You deserve better.

How many times have people in history felt the wrath of someone else? When you hear the words liar or the more greatly emphasized pathological liar, how do you feel? What happens in your body when you tell someone that you have been betrayed by your lover? I have felt these things and so I can imagine that the words “knife twisting in your back,” resonates with you. How about “it makes my blood boil?” Maybe you feel an urge to vomit or you have visualized yourself punching that person in the face or spitting on them. Rage, anger, tears, cathartic outbursts, collapsing emotionally, screaming, yelling, pain, torment, all words that you might know when you jump into bed with a liar or someone who would betray you.

The scripture from Psalms is similar to one you might read, in your attempts to pull yourself out of your despair and turn to the light, the word, the good book, in search of answers and hope that will pull you out of this rubble. Looking for a higher power to massage your tired and weary body. The vitality, excitement, passion, and energy within you has been dried up and you feel as if you will never dance, sing, make love, or rejoice in another’s pleasures once more.

How do they do it? How can a person simply spew words of fiction so eloquently from their mouth as if they were washing dishes or taking a bath? Where do they find the energy to waste taking advantage of another? Don’t they have better things to do on a daily basis? Do they have no pride or integrity to themselves that they would undertake the task of harming another? The Marquise in Dangerous Liaisons was a wealthy socialite with tons of time on her hand to create drama and suspense. The average person today, even the wealthy, have jobs to go to and children to raise. Yet, there are still these humans that have nothing better to do than to lie, cheat, steal, betray, play, manipulate and damage the heartstrings of their lovers.

What gives me some comfort is the word “Karma,” or the sum of a person’s actions, in this life or the last, which will decide their fate in future existences. This could mean tomorrow and it could mean for their children, grandchildren, or their next life. Karma, for the victim, also means that I might have done something in my past life (perhaps even with this person or persons involved) that caused me to experience this action from the tongues of these others.

It has happened and there is nothing that we can do to change this. An apology can occur, if the person is mature and healthy enough to come forward. Though, if a person was capable of being mature and healthy, would they have turned against us in the first place? I suspect not, however, we all make mistakes. On the same token, how can a good person apologize to someone when they continue to do evil deeds and are simply unforgiveable – it would seem.

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” Sir Walter Scott.

Liars, those who would betray someone, manipulators, these are people who lead lives of chaos. You might notice that their pheromones have become off-putting when once their scent was very sweet. Their house is in disarray, their hygiene is disturbed, the way they speak has altered and you hear a different voice. I once knew a man who sang so lovely in staccato, so charming, so raw and innocent. I loved hearing him sing to me and would often ask for more. When he betrayed my trust in him, audibly it was as if he were the “Night King” in the TV series, Game of Thrones. It sounded as if he had been preparing his speech, and the story he told became more and more stranger by the moment. It is the eyes though that do it for me. I can always tell when a relationship, I am in, is nearing its end because that look begins to shift. Eyes that were once so warm and kind, suddenly have the look of “Jack Torrance,” from the film, The Shining.

The eyes are always what will attract me toward a man and so it is a strange twist of fate when this look is no longer looking at me with love but with malice. It is the look that I pray I will never see and the one I have been forced to have leer, in my favor, more than once in my life.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Two completely distinct personalities that inhabit the same body. A malicious person will go from being Mr. Right to Mr. Wrong at the drop of a hat. When you least expect it, the rug has been ripped from under your feet. This is a difficult place to be in. The illusion of a great love has now disappeared and reality of what has been there all along begins to drift into your awareness.

We can focus on the “Whys” and we need to do this in the first stage of the healing process. This is because we must be able to empathize with the perpetrator in order to step away from the pain and into the light. Secondly, we must focus on “What was the lesson I needed to learn from this?” Here is where your holy book comes into play. It is where you would speak to your spiritual teacher on your quest to find answers. You must also look within through meditation or prayer until you come to your own truth that has brought you to this relationship in the first place. Your karma.

Taking responsibility for our core wounds of feeling undeserving, unloved, unwanted, unneeded that brought a deceptive person into our corner in the first place. Without holding yourself accountable, you will never be able to move forward. This self-realization will cause you to step out of this trauma and into the third stage of Forgiveness.

Not a religious meaning of forgiveness and yet, behaving in a godly way toward the perpetrator (s). Knowing that their core wounds were also what became attracted to you. Accepting that you made mistakes along the way as well. Realizing that the pain of their childhood, like yours, brought the two of you together. Determining that you will not allow their toxic energy to embrace your body anymore and releasing the emotional grip that they have on you by saying “I forgive you,” as many times as you need to, until you realize you have NO NEED TO.

Sex energy will take a hold on us as well. When we have a passionate sexual experience with a lover who has turned against us by betraying our trust in them, by disrespecting us, who cast a black net of dark energy around us so that we find it difficult to cut through, healing is imperative. Loving a person in a way that was raw and alchemical is mind numbing in the moment, euphoric and utopic. While it may have been a wonderful sexual experience – it is over, nonetheless. After the betrayal and lies, this is an experience of feeling raped by your lover. It is easy to look back and find that this level of authenticity, though it may have seemed, was really a quest to overpower you mentally so that they could gorge on you even more in the end. Sexual relations are the most difficult energy source to let go of. It is as if you thought you had created gold and while you are gazing at this nugget in the palm of your hand, it melts from the sun and drips over your fingers with nothing but a sticky gooey substance.

Healing can take place through various types of body work, crystals, smudging: treatments to purge the touch of this person from your mind, body and soul. One time of working on yourself may not be enough either. Sometimes, you must endure prolonged exposure of these thoughts until they are no longer there. Not that you forget the memories but that you let go of the hold they have over you.

The memories, the good times, they did happen, nothing can take these away. It is the ending that you must have closure with. It is the traumatic thoughts that you must have peace with through forgiveness, responsibility, accountability and healing of the self.

Whatever fate will be brought to the persecutor, is up to the Gods. We can pray on this but by doing so, we are holding onto them even more. We cannot heal as long as we quest for revenge and even if we are giving this up to God. We can only mend our brokenness by allowing and honoring the pain and grief of this relationship until we no longer need to.

Loving ourselves. Healing our mind/body/spirit, nurturing our soul, talking to a psychotherapist and spiritual teacher, until we are ready to move forward in a new way. The universe writes a better book. Turn the page and start reading the next chapter!

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