I Knew a Man

I knew a man who did not know how to love a woman.

He could not love himself.

He was filled with anger and hatred for a girl in his past.

He determined this was her fault.

Then he decided it was me he was angry with, because of her.

He forgot that he loved me, or did I only imagine that he had?

He was unable to empathize with others in pain.

He would not allow himself to feel.

I loved and adored this man and gave him all that I had to give.

He never saw this because he could not believe this.

I thought that his praises and rewards and adoration were acceptance.

He was patronizing and biding his time.

I assumed that his smile and willingness and gifts were acknowledgement.

He was the good guy, and I was filling a gap.

In the end he could not say goodbye. He was unable to just walk away.

He had to find a way to make me wrong. This made it easier on him.

For so long, I searched for answers as I sat in denial.

I wanted to believe he would return. I wanted to believe I was wrong.

The thought of never seeing, touching, or being held by him was more than I could bare.

If this were true than the whole time was no more than a mirage.

I would be laughed at for being such a fool and the humiliation was more than I could take.

Deceit is a game I do not play and yet he had no qualms about playing me.

All alone I sat in wait, month by month, hoping and praying.

In darkness, I saw a shadow of light, as time went on, it became brighter.

God held my hand as I returned to walk beside him once more.

If I should falter, He stood me back up.

Once more I walked my path alone, though this time reassured.

My devotion and faith – now consistent and clear.

He will lead us together, and I will find, the person I thought that I already had.

 

Jeannine Vegh, 2021

Transpersonal Notes: Lies, Betrayal and Forgiveness

Psalm 64:1-10

Hear me, my God, as I voice my complaint; protect my life from the threat of the enemy. Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from the plots of evildoers. They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim cruel words like deadly arrows. They shoot from ambush at the innocent; they shoot suddenly, without fear. They encourage each other in evil plans, they talk about hiding their snares; they say, “Who will see it?” They plot injustice and say, “We have devised the perfect plan!” Surely the human mind and heart are cunning. But God will shoot them with his arrows; they will suddenly be struck down. He will turn their own tongues against them and bring them to ruin; all who see them will shake their heads in scorn. All people will fear; they will proclaim the works of God and ponder what he has done. The righteous will rejoice in the Lord and take refuge in him; all  the upright in heart will glory in him!

How can you read this and not recall the ending of “Dangerous Liaisons,” when Glenn Close’s character, the Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil, is being laughed at, after she walks into the opera house. The movie shows us the conclusion of her lies and deception being flaunted in her face. How often though, does this reality occur for us? What is more typical is that the real life bad guys walk away laughing at us, having felt that they have won the day and thinking they reduced us, the victim, to a piece of trash which they have now taken out with the garbage. Take your power back. Walk away with your head held high. Leave with dignity. Fighting back will make you equal to them and you are much better than this. You deserve better.

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