Tag Archives: passion

Building on Faith: My Recent Trek to Saint Meinrad

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Ellen’s Photo from our Guest House as we were walking over for vespers.

This past weekend I went to Saint Meinrad, Indiana with a very good spiritual friend. We took a three day mini-retreat to focus on Lectio Divina. This is a four and a half hour drive from Columbus, Ohio and they are one hour behind. We met with two other ladies, just over the border from Cincinnati (in KY) and thus, became a four-some the entire event.

It takes some mental preparation to go to such a retreat. I was quite nervous but excited to attend. I knew that my life was going to be unlike any other weekend I have ever had. I had no idea what to expect would change within me. I imagined living like a nun, in a convent, for this brief time period. The difference being, I chose what to do and not to do and I wasn’t entitled to wear a habit. The twin bed, however, was probably quite like what the nuns and monks sleep on. Hard as a rock, but as Ellen noted, it keeps you from wanting to lounge around all day. Our two friends, coincidentally had the room across the hall from us.

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Defeat: By Kahlil Gibran

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Defeat, my Defeat, my solitude and my aloofness;
You are dearer to me than a thousand triumphs,
And sweeter to my heart than all world-glory.

Defeat, my Defeat, my self-knowledge and my defiance,
Through you I know that I am yet young and swift of foot
And not to be trapped by withering laurels.
And in you I have found aloneness
And the joy of being shunned and scorned.

Defeat, my Defeat, my shining sword and shield,
In your eyes I have read
That to be enthroned is to be enslaved,
And to be understood is to be leveled down,
And to be grasped is but to reach one’s fullness
And like a ripe fruit to fall and be consumed.

Defeat, my Defeat, my bold companion,
You shall hear my songs and my cries and my silences,
And none but you shall speak to me of the beating of wings,
And urging of seas,
And of mountains that burn in the night,
And you alone shall climb my steep and rocky soul.

Defeat, my Defeat, my deathless courage,
You and I shall laugh together with the storm,
And together we shall dig graves for all that die in us,
And we shall stand in the sun with a will,
And we shall be dangerous.

(For my love of you.)

Your Soul

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In my heart, there are tears.

Tears of joy,

Of sadness,

Of Pain,

Of love lost.

In my eyes, there are mirrors.

I can see in and out.

I can see you and me.

I can see that you do not see me.

In my ears, there are waves.

I hear music when we make love.

The rhythm of your laughter

Vibrates my soul.

In my nose, is your scent.

When you are near it is next to me.

When you are far it follows me.

On my mouth is your kiss.

I taste your passion at night,

When I am alone.

Who Am I

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Through the passage of time, I have found my mark

And I look back to see how treacherous it was, to embark.

I recall a moment of slashed wrists and a broken plate

A baby crying in the back, while he lay in wait.

I sat in a corner as people walked by

And observed that they lived while I tried to die.

The wells of my emotions had all run dry.

The body was stiff but craved the touch of

One so great who would want so much.

And I looked and I took but they were wrong

Yet even still, I went along.

I knew in my heart that I should walk away

But I craved and I yearned for a voice that would stay.

Someone to see me for who I am

To just once get it right, even if it meant putting up a fight

Thinking I must fix it, assuming it was my fault, to hold this

Relationship and behave like an adult.

In and out of the rooms I would go

Putting on one hell of a show.

I danced and sang and praised and played

While they sucked up the juices and

Fed in to my demise.

I saw the noose hanging above the trap

While I ate and supped on all of their lies.

And when I searched for my mother once more

To give me some respite and nurture these wounds.

Hoping to get a tender embrace, instead she would slap me in my face.

She would call out the shadows from within

And laugh as they sprang forth; ripping the scars on my skin.

There I would sit in a void.

Numb to this renewed place I so wanted to avoid.

Stuck in a web from conception to light

I would scream and cry out wishing it would disappear with the night.

Alas, I am here as is she and the trees are filled with my memories.

I struggle and plod forward with all of my might

Working up the courage to make it alone; assuming that I have the right

And thinking that one day I may become known

When the stone turns and the walls collapse and out of this I won’t relapse.

I dream and I write and I scour my brain, looking for the answers out on the plain.

To imagine this is possible to think that I can,

Like the train who would and could and should make it up to that terrain.

I walked as I thought until I came up with a plan.

Would it work? I wondered as I thought out in haste,

I didn’t want this to be one big waste.

To my surprise the person inside began to emerge

And I saw the words cause the fears to purge

The rage and torment slipped behind the gate

As I felt my fingers once more and I began to create.