Getting married the second time around – for both of us, we had our eyes wide open. This was more honest, clear, conscious and rewarding.

As a result, there were no young adult expectations, everything was discussed up front and no uncommunicated concerns about moving forward in marriage. Our first marriages lasted about five minutes – so to speak, both were abusive, emotionally and mentally immature and both had no qualms about breaking vows. Oddly, both our ex’s were veterans, though I don’t blame the military for their lack of responsibility – mental health issues were clearly to blame. Paul and I believe in loyalty, fidelity and emotional commitment. We are clear that this marriage is for the rest of our lives and we treat our marriage, as we have our relationship the last three years, as a team. Nothing will change for us, other than we are “legal” now and our love became even deeper as we said our vows. What lessons I have learned about getting married and the process of having a wedding, I will share with you here.

Firstly, my husband, Paul and I were married a week ago. We are 64 and 65 years old and have know each other since 1989. We haven’t been in a relationship this long, but we have looked in on each other now and then. Coming full circle to bring ourselves to where we are now was quite a journey. For me, it was spiritual, psychological, and emotional. The lessons we learned in life were the preliminaries for us to be ready to join hands and say “I Do.” This is something I became very aware of when he contacted me in 2023 and we began to speak on the phone. Suddenly, I had realizations that answered many questions about the void in my life all along. He had a sense of what I meant, but I can only speak to my break-throughs as I write about the process.

The wedding process was vastly different to when I was 17 years old. At that time, I was suffering from severe post-traumatic stress disorder, pregnant and extremely confused. At the altar, I was in a dissociative fugue. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and lots of expectations that marriage would automatically bring maturity, as well as too much trust in depending on the marriage vows to be respected. Not sure why, I didn’t come from good role models and divorce was prevalent in both our families. As a psychotherapist, I see this same romantic delusion in young couples all the time. If not in my practice, out in the world. I had a booth one-time (and why it was my last time) at a wedding convention, and watched all the young deer’s, staring into headlights as they were over-stimulated by the commotion and all the wares each peddler was sharing. None of them seemed conscious or aware. Just like I was at 17, none of them seemed in the least bit ready. I feel pretty comfortable making this statement and wonder how many of those young women are still married. The statistic is almost 50%, so at least half of them are divorced by now.

Now it is 45 years later. This time, Paul and I chose the wedding date based on astrology. More my idea, but something I had envisioned for myself should I partake on this path once more. I wanted to wed in the new moon cycle, which means new beginnings, taking on a new path, etc… What I didn’t realize or make a connection to, is that it was the Sturgeon New Moon cycle and since Paul has a hobby of ocean fishing, this was perfect. He pointed it out to me, with great delight, as we looked back at all of our plans for the day. Choosing the correct date as our first decision, allowed the rest to be put into motion. I knew intuitively, once we chose it, that it was the right day, year and time. And, as such, since it was perfect, everything fell in order and came together.

Next, since Paul and I are approaching retirement, not making babies and hoping for a 50 year anniversary, we had to be economically conscious. As such, it was important to be practical and budget conscious so, we eloped. We still wanted a romantic occasion, but we had to develop priorities for our day. I was dumbfounded by how women are taken advantage of in the marriage market. It seemed like where ever I went, the price began at $250+. As soon as you mentioned wedding, there needed to be a “consultant” to discuss with you. I was not about to be taken advantage of, so I thought this through. I avoided hefty prices with looking outside of the box. I bought local flowers – Flowers by Darlene if you happen to be in Logan, Ohio. She was an older woman who was considerate and focused on my limited needs. We spoke on the phone, as I do not live in this rural area which was near the venue. My hair dresser does not work Sundays – which was the day we chose, so I found a hairstylist at one of those varied price range hair salons (by seniority), who are open on Sunday. I only wanted my hair curled – which anyone could do, so no need for expensive managers to use a curling iron and add some starch.

We stayed at Glen Laurel Inn – a Scottish retreat for adults only! This was our honeymoon and nuptials for now (retirement travelling will be the main honeymoon). It isn’t a budget conscious place but a priority for us. Glenlaurel’s priority was couples. This was fabulous as it provided intimacy, romance, privacy, and solitude as it backed up to the Hocking Hills forest. They even had some private trails, though not too long. They also offered outdoor games, which we were unable to partake in due to the weather conditions. Glenlaurel treats you like royalty. You actually dress appropriately for dinner – kilts allowed naturally. And, since they had a strict dress code, we stayed in our wedding attire. I wasn’t the only woman in a long dress. The feast was a six or seven course dinner and I had to eat half of each in order to take in every single dish. I am not used to this! Breakfast was casual and even this was three courses. The food was a gastronomic delight.

Speaking of the wedding attire. I purchased a navy blue lace MacDougal from Nordstrom. It was a coincidence that we stayed at a Scottish inn. I chose the dress and then we looked at several locations before choosing our venue. Paul had a suit that was made for him, it was only a year old and was a gift through his business. We picked the perfect occasion for him to don these garments for the first time. He even wore a tie! As you can see in the photo selected above, both of us were all giggles and smiles. Not innocent, but giddy from the excitement of the day and our path forward as husband and wife.

The wedding rituals: something blue, borrowed, old and new. My good friend sent me her necklace to borrow, that she wore on her wedding 50+ years ago. My dress was blue, my inner garments were not purchased for the wedding – so they were my “old.” My shoes were new. A lovely surprise in the room, a good friend that Paul has met, sent us an appetizer tray with a bottle of Prosecco. What a nice snack before we walked to the altar and something to celebrate with at night. My two long-time friends, who might have been my bridesmaids, made sure to be there in spirit in support of our day. It was beautiful and heavenly at the same time.

The weather was not so good, but after many prayers, we were offered a few hours without rain. We left home that day with a tornado warning in tow, though we only knew about this hours later. However, the hair appointment and with all the humidity meant my hair fell out within 15 minutes of walking out the door. It wasn’t completely horrible, but the reason why it doesn’t look quite like a hair salon treatment. Nonetheless, it was an authentic look. I did my own make-up as I found that trying out a make-up session was not for me. I had more wrinkles from the pre-trial and realized that I could do a better job on my own. I chose an organic concealer and no one was the wiser.

Our officiant, Cindy Riggs, someone I knew in Ohio (and available for travel), was phenomenal in putting together this wonderful experience. She met with us once for an hour and took detailed notes about our story. Then she hand wrote the nuptials, incorporating all of what we had discussed. She also had each of us write five or six reasons we loved each other, which we would not hear until the ceremony. She gave us various scripts for the vows and rings and Paul and I chose these together. I added a couple of things that were special to us. I had Cindy do a smudging ceremony with us, to consciously remove all past relationship energy – and in honor of a spiritual teacher, who is on the other side, and was a Native American woman. We had a blessing which Cindy read in Italian, to honor Paul’s Sicilian connection.

Our photographer was an “ex” family member, Kendra Schoenlein – the mother of three of my great-niece and nephews. I have always admired her work, she is a great artist and has such an eye for couples and babies. If it weren’t for her children, I have no doubt that she would be in NYC as a fashion photographer. Alas, she has her priorities straight.

As a psychotherapist, I embraced all the teachings I provide to my couples in session. Paul and I discussed the seven principles and answered all of my pre-marital questions that I give to others. We created a goal sheet for each of us as an individual and a couple. Then, the night before we were to be married, we woke up simultaneously around 4 am and had a very deep awakening process. It was a beautiful experience of clarity and an opening for the road ahead. It was definitely a divinely created moment, as was our ceremony that was dry and outdoors on the terrace of the inn. I should add that eloping and being alone was about us. It wasn’t about being seen. Only God, the officiant, the photographer and nature were present. No anxiety, no pressure, not fulfilling someone else’s expectations of what should or shouldn’t have happened that day.

The honeymoon week started with rain, and so we chose to go to a local university town, which was sadly disappointing. A diner that didn’t know how to be a diner. Lacking souvenir shops, book stores, cultural activities to get you out of the rain. I know it is there, but on certain days and knowing in advance where to go. Ah well, it didn’t rain on Sunday, so all was good. I had prayed for the weather to push into Monday – and it did.

The next day was dry, beautiful and sunny, so we finally got to do our hike in Hocking Hills. We chose Conkle’s Hollow – not for the faint at heart, someone with kids, if you are afraid of heights, no pets allowed – don’t do this if you are not an experienced hiker. Someone just died there from a falling tree a few months ago. Others have died for taking selfies and falling off. The entire 2.5 miles – I did not realize, was on the edge of a cliff that has NO railing. I AM afraid of heights and would not do this again. It was a brave choice to continue, on my part. This and 2.5 miles didn’t seem so bad. Also, thinking that maybe there would be parts where – no, it was all scary and some parts scarier. When I tried looking down, I felt nauseous. I could look out but not down. I looked at it as being a test of strength, in my new role as a wife. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do in life, you do it to be a team player and then set boundaries about future hikes. We opted to be one and done. They have several other hikes in Hocking Hills that we haven’t been on yet.

We have returned home now and began getting back into our routines, conscious of the fact that we are now husband and wife. While nothing has “changed” per se, everything is different as we work toward plans for the future. I did not change my last name as a result of my career, writing, my age, and the hassles of doing so. However, we use it with each other and with friends and family. I love being called “Mrs.” as it is a new role that I respect and honor. I love looking at my wedding ring and being reminded of that day and not taking each other for granted. I love that when we look at each other in the eyes each day, there is a new sense of commitment which is refreshed. I love knowing that this man will be in my life for the rest of my life, or his and as long as we are both alive, we will never be alone.