My best sessions are those in which a client is there to learn, to grow, to explore, to heal. I enjoy someone who comes in ready to go. Who shows up on time (or lets me know they are on their way) because this means they respect the process and my time. I am there to aide you on your journey. I don’t know everything but I do know psychology. I trust my intuition to guide me. I trust your body language or the somatic resonance created in the room that I am witnessing.

My favorite clients are the one’s who come in with a plan. They take notes ahead of time to go over. They ask questions. They have an agenda that they want to discover the outcome for. They listen. They tell me when I have missed something, such as “No, I don’t think that is it.” After all, this is our two-way process. You are discovering and I am learning who you are and analyzing what I see before me. But, I am not your guru. I may not see it right.

If I assign homework, this is because I know that this is going to move you forward in the direction you are seeking. If the person comes in and has done this work, came up with some conclusions and has valuable questions to ask, I can already see they have grown. If they do not value the homework and do not do it, then we are at an impasse. You can’t expect something to change if you are not willing to listen and try. Even if you don’t think the homework applied, maybe you were looking for something different or a more challenging exercise, ask. Simply saying “Its not for me” often means you didn’t feel like doing it.

When people are fully invested in their own growth, I have a deep connection or bond with them. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we have a short path together, as often people want to learn more. And, when they have found the answers they came in for and are now living their life to its fullest, I am so happy to see them go on their way. It means they are ready for the next step to take in life, whatever that may be.

Sometimes our ego gets in the way and we want so much to learn but struggle with hearing what is said. Triggers, assumptions, thinking we know what we are doing, out in the real world – block us from practicing what we have learned in psychotherapy. This is the hard part, when the client comes in and shares with me that they have “done it again.” Life is tough. The world we must face on a daily basis is not a joy ride. No matter how luxurious we try to make it. This is where spirituality comes into play.

Psychotherapy alone without spirituality (and exercise, a good health routine) is a waste of time. Spirituality as I was reminded from Krishnamurti today, is an individual soul-seeking discovery within. This may come in the form of a teacher, but not necessarily a religion. You must observe the world around you and be conscious of what you see, hear, taste, touch, and smell. This is where you will get your answers. Natalie Clifford Barney once said “One must be idle to become oneself.” Without this combination of the mind, body and spirit, it is like having an arm cut off. You will not come to a conclusion to your chaos. You will always be questioning. At the same time, with spirituality, you WILL always be questioning but what you ask will be different over the decades of your life.

Religion can only be satisfactory if you are on a spiritual journey. If you simply apply the rituals, show up and conclude your due diligence was met, you are getting nothing out of this. If you believe religion is the only answer and do not attempt to look around you and question the reality you see – without blaming and judgement – you have nothing.

Psychotherapy is scary. People come in very nervous sometimes. Some are afraid of change. I try to meet this fear with empathy and compassion. Sometimes there is resistance and I try to call it out loud. In the room, this can be met one on one. It can be challenged and confronted. When a person respects this and appreciates this, I know we are onto something very big and I can’t wait to see what this will be. When they are offended by the truth or their ego takes over and makes judgements, I don’t see them again. Generally, they don’t tell me this, it shows up by them disappearing, or giving me an email saying they want to cancel – with no real explanation. This is okay too, as this is their life and I know that it is possible that some day they will be ready to grow – or they won’t. There are times when I know this too. I am not in control of the outcome of your life, only you are. My role is to aide in the process which you allow.

Couples counseling is more fascinating as there are two people in the room. I can tell pretty quickly whether therapy will be successful or a great challenge. A great challenge does not mean a negative outcome. It means it takes me a little longer to assess whether the couple will conclude successfully. Often I get big egos in the room. Couples have this “already always listening” of each other (learned from Werner Erhard). This means they already know what the other will say and can be closed minded to being more conscious of the other. If they are both open to listening to my coaching, they often learn something from the other person. If they are there to berate the other, nothing happens. “They get to be right, nothing else nice, not necessarily loved or anything else nice, just right.” (paraphrasing Werner Erhard, unsure if I have the quote accurate or not). It is the hurt that occurs in the couple that causes them to come in expecting me to change for them. They don’t want to hear me say that the hurt comes from both of them, not one.

Even with infidelity, it is both of our fault. It is not the victims fault for the choice that was made, it is the victims fault for taking the relationship for granted. For not setting boundaries, questioning and listening to their partner, making changes, going into therapy sooner. Women cheat for emotional reasons – the man wasn’t there for her. He wasn’t listening, she couldn’t talk to him, she felt alone in the relationship and sought out another. Men cheat for physical reasons. They avoid intimacy and partnership, they do not value their commitment. Sex is a numbing path no different than alcohol or drugs. It is an exotic thrill, no different than bungy jumping or skydiving. In other words, it is an escape. Both are escaping the relationship whether it is a male or female and passively saying goodbye to the relationship. In couples counseling, I can’t work on mending this relationship if the victim is focused on bashing the other or making an attempt to be a “better partner” by temporarily doing the “right thing.”

I enjoy couples who come in, and are prepared to do the work, just like individuals who do the same. Being a psychotherapist is a rewarding career path, though it is not a 9-5. My role requires me to be on top of things, at all times, as at a moment’s notice something might change. People have begun to dissociate or tears begin to form that I see slowly developing while I am mid-sentence and I have to shift “on a dime” and focus my attention on what has just occurred. What I have said might seem like nothing to me, but suddenly a break-through has occurred. This is a majickal moment that comes when I least suspect it. I hit people emotionally without realizing it. Something comes to the forefront of their mind. Everything changes in the room.

At the same time, I may be in an awkward space and say the wrong thing, or forget something, or its the end of the day, or who knows what. I am a human being and I err in my wisdom on occasion, though this is not often. The life of a psychotherapist is constantly being judged and evaluated. Moreso than a doctor, a lawyer, a dentist, or most other helping professions. We must go to the aforementioned people, we never “have” to go to a therapist. And yet, going to a psychotherapist can make it less likely you might need those professions. The less stress in your life, the more of a quality life you will have.

There you have it. Getting the most out of psychotherapy is something you must hold yourself personally accountable for. If you want therapy to work, you have to be focused on being a partner with the therapist. Listening, doing the homework, practicing outside of the session, asking questions, being an active participant. Psychotherapy is not a one way street, but an adjunct to your spiritual journey, your dedication and discipline to your body and the role you choose to take out in the world. If you want change, you must be that change that you wish to see in the world (Gandhi). If you want to survive, you must endeavor to find the meaning in the suffering (Nietzsche). Ultimately, the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are (Jung).