It is really important to heal your wounds before speaking to others about psychology. This goes for psychotherapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and even laymen (or non-professionals). Why? Because there is still so much to learn. Because you don’t really understand yet what is going on. Because you have so much anger and are relaying only part of a very biased story. For professionals, it is easy to project your own pain onto others. It is easy to misunderstand because their story doesn’t fit yours.
I resonate with this video and wanted to share this as we go into “Happy” Mother’s Day. For those of you who are struggling at this time of the year, it is important to seek support from a psychotherapist who specializes in this topic. Learn about boundaries, building self-confidence, separating/detaching from the narcissist (this doesn’t mean you never speak to them again), find your sense of self, grow into the woman you want to be. For some people, they are unsure of who they want to be. Psychotherapy will help you to explore this answer as you work through the childhood wounds.
Lisa A. Romano can be found on her website and on Insight Timer. I have enjoyed listened to her videos on IT and found them to be very helpful and insightful. Please note that she is a Life Coach and not a psychotherapist.
In speaking of Mother’s Day, some people prefer to read and are not really in to movies. I have a list here that I found on Goodreads that talks specifically on this topic through bios or novels. Some of the books, I am familiar with and will comment on.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride. This book comes up first on their list and is my number one choice for women wanting to learn more about what they have been through. One caveat is that her examples are more extreme stories, such as the movie I mentioned about August: Osage County yesterday. What this means is that you need to focus on the behaviors of the women in these stories. Your mother may not have been this extreme but how was her behavior similar but on a smaller scale. For example: In the movie August, I found that the fighting scene was a bit ridiculous and over the top. However, a client once said to me “No, this did happen between my mother and I.” How it could happen on a smaller scale would be that your mom and you got into a fight verbally, and you simply told her to “Fuck off” or other strong words and then when she threw a temper tantrum, you held your ground and did not empathize with this.
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown. This book comes in third on Goodreads list. I confess that I have yet to read it, but it is a client favorite that has been mentioned to me many times. It is my second book resource to make people aware of.
Mommie Dearest by Christina Crawford. The infamous story of Joan Crawford, written by her adopted daughter. This book I have not read, but saw the movie when it came out – on TV. Who doesn’t remember the “hangers,” for the expensive clothes? It makes sense naturally, but is that they way for a mother to handle it? Or the toys given to the children at Christmas and then promptly donated the next day? Children do not understand these things. It was terribly inappropriate and traumatic for a child.
Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel. I highly recommend that you DON’T read this book and watch the movie instead. Perhaps in Spanish it is an easier read, but in English, I did not enjoy it at all. I would not generally give this advice either. The movie was well acted and passionately played out. Watching the mother toward her daughters evoked so many feelings in me. When I read the book, I kept thinking “Was all the dialogue completely made up in the movie?” It was just not an interesting read and I put it down after one chapter and never picked it up again. The mother in this movie/novel, IS portraying what was socially acceptable at that time in Mexico, which is explained in the beginning of the movie, however, it could have been handled differently in a more healthier household. Oh, and I have seen this movie twice now, and I’d be happy to watch it again and again and again. It is really that good.
Anywhere But Here by Mona Simpson. This is also a movie, with Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon. I saw the movie, have not read the book. I found myself hating Susan Sarandon’s character so much so that I decided I hated the movie. I also was unsure if she was narcissistic or borderline, but I’d have to watch the movie again as I saw it when it came out. Naturally, it was well acted – in order for me to feel that strongly about the character.
Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy Behary. This book is not specifically written for mother’s who are narcissists. It is more for people in relationships with them in general. I have read this book and taken Wendy’s workshop for psychotherapists. She is a great writer and a good workshop speaker. I was told about this book by someone who I knew who went through a divorce and it helped her. That is why I recommend it to people for the same reason. However, the guidelines for communicating for a narcissist, would be the same for your mother.
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I had never thought about this book having a narcissistic mother, because I was too focused on Mr. Darcy! Yet, I do recall the mother being consumed with who her daughters would marry and how she goes about making these things happen. I am sure, there are plenty of Victorian novels, now that I think about it, where you could find just such a mother – due to the times. At least they had an excuse then! And, while I am on this topic, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, was my favorite novel as a young girl. This is about a narcissistic aunt who was cruel. It was about a horrible boarding school with narcissistic teachers and I horrible boss that she gets into a trauma bond with and then marries at the end!
If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, or a mother like Violet, you absolutely hate Mother’s Day. You were ripped off and didn’t get that kind, nurturing, loving, supportive parent that Hallmark believes you had. They don’t keep “giving, loving and being the best mother you could possibly be,” as one card would lead us to think. So, every woman who has grown up with a narcissistic mother will struggle to find a card, find a gift – that is good enough, or will try to resist altogether, in a passive/aggressive way – which you will pay for.
How do I see this with men (and women who have more than the narcissist) who are survivors? They are robbed of all their money in court during a divorce.
With women, they are signing legal documents without reading – because they are being pushed into signing through on-going manipulation in the household. They have learned to just do whatever he says.
All survivors will have experienced some trauma symptoms during or after the pathological love relationship (PLR/Pathological Love Relationship = her terms for having a narcissistic abuse partner)
37% have high ACE scores related to adverse childhoods; their trauma usually falls between moderate PTSD-c-PTSD ++ and higher. These survivors may have the history most associated with codependency. (I have not seen PTSD with the majority of my survivors, except when they meet Criteria A, in the DSM 5, measured with testing, and this is generally when they are with an Anti-Social PD, not a NPD ).
63% have low ACE scores and many did not have adverse childhoods. Their trauma was created in the pathological love relationship and usually falls between mild/moderate PTSD. These survivors have the history most associated with super traits of personality (super traits explained in her training).
All survivors have atypical trauma related to the effect of cognitive dissonance on their trauma. (This is what I am seeing).
Most of the time I am working with the 37% and I would say this is 99% of my survivor population. My thoughts are that if I were going to conduct research, I would want to strictly focus on survivors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think this will show some interesting nuances. Sandra L. Brown has written a number of books, that you can find on the internet. If you are a therapist reading this, her workshop is on PESI. This study is referenced on my Resource page above. Please note, this study focused solely on women who were survivors.
“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Leo Tolstoy – Anna Karenina
As a Child of a Narcissist, when you cry it doesn’t fix the pain – they don’t get better. You are still trapped in a home with two parents who are emotionally immature, damaged, wounded and are so detached from their own pain and have no self-awareness. Without self-awareness, from a parent, you are stuck with them. As Is. I cried growing up, all the time. I cried because I felt unloved, unwanted, that no one would listen to me. I felt like a robot living my mom’s life, behaving like my dad wanted. I didn’t know who I was. After I met the guy who would later become my husband and faced his abuse and detachment, I began to cut. This was before it was a “trend” something you read about on social media. I didn’t even know this was a “thing.” I just scratched and scratched until blood came out. I wore long sleeves so no one would see what I was doing. Meanwhile, if I cried, I would hear “Why are you crying? You have no reason to cry” from my mom. Or my dad, when punishing us would say “If you cry, I will whip you more. Toughen up.” They saw my arms and said, “What did you do to yourself?” I can’t recall the excuse I made up. Maybe they said I was crazy.
I had recently turned 17 when my boyfriend proposed to me – which was nothing more than asking me in bed one day if I would marry him. We went and got a ring, and my mom raced me down to Lazarus to their Bridal Department. It was a beautiful day, probably one of the best memories I have with my mom, as a teen. I put the gown on, one that I had fantasized about from all the wedding magazines. I was on a dais, looking at myself in a three-fold mirror and felt like I was on top of the world. Intuitively, even though I didn’t understand what this word meant back then, I knew I would never wear the dress.
What is PTSD? Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a diagnosis in the DSM-5 that is not biological. You are not born with this, nor is it genetic. It happens to someone post-trauma as the diagnosis states. Many people believe they have this and sometimes this is correct. The U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs National Center for PTSD states that 7-8% of the population will have PTSD in their lives. Sixty percent of men and fifty percent of women will experience at least one trauma in their lives, they continue to state. To further clarify in regard to veterans: since Vietnam, between 11-15% of veterans have been diagnosed with PTSD (also stated on the website of the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs National Center for PTSD).
A Frequent Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love--Plus More . . . with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
