Tag Archives: manipulation

Shame Has to Change Sides – The Gisèle Pelicot Story

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Ms. Pelicot’s story is one that I learned about in the news after the court hearing against her husband and other perpetrators began. She is from France. I was fascinated with the knowledge that she had requested the courtroom be opened to the public at the Palais de Justice. The title “Shame Has to Change Sides,” coincides with this. She had heard this term from a woman’s group, I believe she says in her book. It meant that instead of her facing the humiliation of being alone in the courtroom, with all of her perpetrators, instead, the room would be filled with journalists (from around the world) and women wanting to hear her story. These people, who flocked in daily once the word got out, were now facing the perpetrators, so they could not be anonymous. This was a very brave action on her part, especially as these people would also be witness to the humiliation and degradation that was done to her in more than a decade. The book she writes, “A Hymn to Life,” gives us the details of her fifty year marriage to the “monster.”

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Gaslight Scene which Captures Gaslighting Best

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This particular scene works best in understanding what “gaslighting” is. It also shows the moves of a pathological liar in motion. When watching this, pay particular attention to when she says “the letter.” See how Gregory stops in motion, is thinking, then turns around and stumbles with his words ever so slightly before conjuring up the lie that she never had the letter in the first place. When Paula uses the terms “insane” she is letting us all know that this is what it feels like when someone is gaslighting you. Although she says “Are you trying to tell me I am insane.” This is an educated woman trying to make sense of her reality. This is the difference between a lie an gaslighting.

At the end, a discussion is had about why “he” can’t let her go out in public. This would have been the worst thing that could happen to a society woman in her time period. She would become speculation for gossip and rumors, which we see in this movie when the two maids are talking outside the house (this is not on this clip). In today’s day and age, if a celebrity couple is captured in a photo (alone or together), perhaps in a bad mood, bad hair day, poor choice of clothing, this is the modern way of “going out in public” and gossip and rumors run havoc in the tabloids.

Manipulation and Gaslighting

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Found on LinkedIn post

Manipulation leads to gaslighting or is a part of gaslighting. However, manipulation can stand alone and can be defensiveness – someone doesn’t want to take responsibility. It does not have to end up in a gaslighting scenario. With both, someone may start out focused on your reaction but they can also spin it into causing you to question your sanity. Did this really happen? Two scenarios:

Manipulation – Guy: Oh, so it sounds like you have a lot of grievances. Gal: Yes, I do in fact I have some issues to discuss with you and I wish you would listen. Guy: I don’t like the tone of your voice. You are very manipulative. (When this happens, the person is turning the scenario around and blaming the communicator so that she will not try to hold him accountable. It can confuse a person).

Gaslighting: Let’s look at a clip from the movie. Watch how Gregory suddenly turns the tables when Paula brings up a letter he (visually) does not seem to remember. He has Paula questioning her sanity, bringing into play her own mother’s history. He doubles down at the end by saying, this is why he doesn’t want to take her into public. Back then, not being sociable in public, for a wealthy woman, would give rise to scandal and gossip. The woman’s whole life depended on being social and attending galas, the theater and the opera. It would be horrible for a woman of her class. She would be looked down on.

Why are Women Always to Blame?

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The female (and male that we have not read about) survivors of the Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell human trafficking scandal want justice. Yet, recently on Linkedin, Nicole Huff, LCSW, posted a list of appropriate terms that should be used in court, instead of the terms perceived to be used shown below. The terms in italics are presumably what will be seen in court and in the media and what is next to these terms are the appropriate terms.

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Borders of Love – Sexual Manipulation of the Male

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This Czech-Polish (2022 – Kanopy) movie could be seen as a modern day love relationship and it is billed as an erotic-drama. But, since it is so important to me that we watch movies consciously – and I use films for homework with my clients – so that we are more self-aware and do not go into a romantic delusion that this is healthy and fun. It is not. The director is very clear of this throughout the film showing us somatically that Petyr is not enjoying this and is being manipulated by his girlfriend Hanka. Here is my fantasy session with Petyr after he comes to see me at the end of the film.

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What does Financial Abuse look like?

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How do I see this with men (and women who have more than the narcissist) who are survivors? They are robbed of all their money in court during a divorce.

With women, they are signing legal documents without reading – because they are being pushed into signing through on-going manipulation in the household. They have learned to just do whatever he says.

A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing – The Covert Narcissist

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“The mind in conflict with itself is dangerous to itself, and of course, by extension, to everyone else in all dimensions.  Therefore, indeed, beloved friends, beware of those that come in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.  Beware of the viciousness of the ego within your own mind.”  (“The Way of Transformation,” The Way of Mastery, Lesson 22, Page 266)

Ah, those sheep. They are so handsome, so sexy, or even when they are not, there is something about their character that draws you in like Little Red Riding Hood thinking it is Grandma. In psychotherapy, we talk about countertransference and transference issues. This is when a characteristic of the other person, makes us think of someone else and we transfer those thoughts onto that person. For example, Little Red Riding Hood is so focused on her ego telling her “This is Grandma’s house, so the person answering the door MUST be Grandma.” Her gut feelings told her that she had “Big Eyes,” today and “Big Ears,” and “Big Hands,” but little red’s ego kept insuring her, in compliance with the wolf, that he was in fact her Grandma.

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Corridor of Mirrors: Portrait of a Covert Narcissist

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Last night, I watched a 1948 British classic, “Corridor of Mirrors.” I started by looking on Kanopy, at various films and kept seeing “psychological” thriller or mental health issues and I said to myself “not in the mood for psychology tonight.” Then I see this film and it says it is about a man who thinks this woman is his reincarnated lover from 400 years ago. Sounded intriguing to me and I set about to watch it. The sound was horrible and I had to re-start it three times and finally, put on closed captioning so I knew what they were saying. I was a little confused with the storyline in the beginning too, but kept at it. Then, we get to the character Veronica, who “is allowed” to live in the basement of the mansion. It is where the main male lead, Paul, lives in. Veronica spells out his personality, almost like she is giving the description of a covert narcissist. I thought to myself, “Oh, well now, I have to sit up straight and pay more attention to this storyline.” I just can’t get away from my specialization at the office. And, I knew this was going to be a film I would be talking up to my clients. And, it is an amazing film. It is different from Gaslight, which is focused on the title. This film, bares a lot more explanation to the average person. So, here we go.

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Transpersonal Notes: Lies, Betrayal and Forgiveness

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Psalm 64:1-10

Hear me, my God, as I voice my complaint; protect my life from the threat of the enemy. Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from the plots of evildoers. They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim cruel words like deadly arrows. They shoot from ambush at the innocent; they shoot suddenly, without fear. They encourage each other in evil plans, they talk about hiding their snares; they say, “Who will see it?” They plot injustice and say, “We have devised the perfect plan!” Surely the human mind and heart are cunning. But God will shoot them with his arrows; they will suddenly be struck down. He will turn their own tongues against them and bring them to ruin; all who see them will shake their heads in scorn. All people will fear; they will proclaim the works of God and ponder what he has done. The righteous will rejoice in the Lord and take refuge in him; all  the upright in heart will glory in him!

How can you read this and not recall the ending of “Dangerous Liaisons,” when Glenn Close’s character, the Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil, is being laughed at, after she walks into the opera house. The movie shows us the conclusion of her lies and deception being flaunted in her face. How often though, does this reality occur for us? What is more typical is that the real life bad guys walk away laughing at us, having felt that they have won the day and thinking they reduced us, the victim, to a piece of trash which they have now taken out with the garbage. Take your power back. Walk away with your head held high. Leave with dignity. Fighting back will make you equal to them and you are much better than this. You deserve better.

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