Tag Archives: narcissism

Keeping Up Appearances – the Narcissistic Wife and Neighbor

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While this is a comedy, you can imagine, when you view this series from the BBC, how difficult it would be to be in the character Richard’s shoes (her husband) and that of her neighbors. Dame Patricia Rutledge died this past week, at the age of 96 and so I thought I’d share one of her most remarkable performances as a Narcissistic wife and neighbor. Her character’s name is Hyacinth Bucket (though she makes sure everyone pronounces her name Bouquet instead). She is so focused on looking good, hence the title of the show. It does not matter what her husband thinks, her neighbors, her siblings, the Vicar and his wife. Everyone is under her thumb and reacts appropriately to her expectations.

If you get a chance to watch this TV series, it will make you laugh hysterically. However, in real life, this type of person would be hell to live with. She also has a son, whom you never see in the series. His name is Sheridan. She thinks highly of him, which a narcissistic mother would do. RIP Dame Rutledge, what a long life and career, and a wonderful actress you were.

Healing from Trauma

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Found on Linkedin

It can be difficult to “let go” and begin to forgive yourself and the people around you that have brought harm to you. Forgiving as in “Radical Acceptance” not that you agree with what happened or okay with it.

I also find that when clients don’t want to do work on themselves – to heal from trauma – it is because the walls they have put up are protecting them. If they take them down, they might be seen as weak or unable to protect themselves from danger.

Fortunately, I find that when I work with people who have faced trauma and they bravely commit themselves to healing from this experience, they are actually much stronger people. Naturally, they have to trust me, the therapist and the process. When they do, they end up having much happier lives and are of course much stronger as well.

The trauma has to be over though, and this means ending the relationship with the narcissistic relationship. This is sometimes difficult to do when you are going through a divorce – and dealing with the perpetrator and the court the perp has manipulated. It also can be hard if this is your family. And yet, it can still happen that you will find peace of mind at the end of the day, by the choices you make, the boundaries you set and staying true to yourself.

Manipulation and Gaslighting

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Found on LinkedIn post

Manipulation leads to gaslighting or is a part of gaslighting. However, manipulation can stand alone and can be defensiveness – someone doesn’t want to take responsibility. It does not have to end up in a gaslighting scenario. With both, someone may start out focused on your reaction but they can also spin it into causing you to question your sanity. Did this really happen? Two scenarios:

Manipulation – Guy: Oh, so it sounds like you have a lot of grievances. Gal: Yes, I do in fact I have some issues to discuss with you and I wish you would listen. Guy: I don’t like the tone of your voice. You are very manipulative. (When this happens, the person is turning the scenario around and blaming the communicator so that she will not try to hold him accountable. It can confuse a person).

Gaslighting: Let’s look at a clip from the movie. Watch how Gregory suddenly turns the tables when Paula brings up a letter he (visually) does not seem to remember. He has Paula questioning her sanity, bringing into play her own mother’s history. He doubles down at the end by saying, this is why he doesn’t want to take her into public. Back then, not being sociable in public, for a wealthy woman, would give rise to scandal and gossip. The woman’s whole life depended on being social and attending galas, the theater and the opera. It would be horrible for a woman of her class. She would be looked down on.

Flying Monkeys – Priority Female or Male in the Narcissists Life

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When I typed in this term on Duck Duck Go, the Search Assist told me this: “Flying monkeys refer to individuals who enable or assist a narcissist in their manipulative behaviors, often without realizing the harm they are causing. They may spread gossip, act as spies, or defend the narcissist, typically due to manipulation or a desire to please.” What I had already seen as a pattern in narcissistic relationships was a person that I termed “The Priority Female,” and now realize there are Priority Male’s as well. What does this look like?

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Why are Women Always to Blame?

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The female (and male that we have not read about) survivors of the Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell human trafficking scandal want justice. Yet, recently on Linkedin, Nicole Huff, LCSW, posted a list of appropriate terms that should be used in court, instead of the terms perceived to be used shown below. The terms in italics are presumably what will be seen in court and in the media and what is next to these terms are the appropriate terms.

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Who is Telling the Truth? – The Narcissist Always Wins

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As a psychotherapist, I am dumbfounded by the stories I always hear in my room. It is the family law stories that get me every time. The client, no matter whether it is male or female, the survivor of the narcissist, is always the one who loses when there is a narcissistic spouse involved. Here in Ohio, it is a “woman’s only state,” but I can tell you this is NOT true when there is a narcissist. I’d like to even say only with children, but I have had women who had money (not lots, but more then him) who have had to fight him trying to take their money, when they were only married a few years. I have had men who were up against a woman (with no children together) and had to fight her lies and manipulation in court – not for money – but for power. Why is it that nothing is being done about this? Why is it the court’s always believe them? Why are they not trying to create change, or to have a conscience?

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My Parent is a Narcissist, I Just Found Out – Now What?

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Image from a Spanish Movie “The Red Virgin,” based on a true story about a mother/daughter.

Recently, my client began to become aware of her mother and father both being what she would presume to be a narcissist. I had know they were showing symptoms of this all along, but she wasn’t ready yet and I am not going to push someone. The awareness was like “coming out of the closet,” excitement/honeymoon stage of “Aha, I finally have some answers.” Now, we are at the “Now what stage” and not feeling so excited. “How do I hang out with them? I like some things about them and don’t want to abandon them but at the same time, how do I deal with this” (paraphrased). This is the question I am asked so often. And, now I will give you some thoughts on this.

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Parental Narcissism

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Me and my pal in the hat, Middle School

Growing up with a narcissistic parent, you make do. You try to follow the rules, deal with the lack of boundaries, cry a lot – even though your told not to, become a scapegoat when you are the oldest (often but not always), get yelled at, compared to, and told things like “Why can’t you be more like…” When I looked back at my “diary” in a little pink book from this middle school time period, I never said a word about physical abuse or emotional abuse and certainly nothing about narcissism. How did I know? I complained about not being allowed to do something or what a day I had had or whether I was going to my friends house to hang out. You would never know from the outside looking in and you would not know from the inside looking out. You are a kid with no psychological training.

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When is it NOT Narcissism?

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Unless you are licensed in the psychology profession and have some training or knowledge in the field of personality disorders, and you have had personal or professional contact with this person, it is not narcissism, it is purely speculation.

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