As I was talking to a client the other day, they spoke of their shock and now a feeling of the “reality sinking in,” but still having no clue what happened, I kept thinking about how to explain this. I suddenly said that it felt like it was invisible, or stealth and seemed like gaslighting. Many people break-up with a partner, there is no clue at all, some thoughts but no idea about the “why.” The reality is the cognitive dissonance, remembering all the good times they had and then out of nowhere “the rug is pulled out from under them.”
Continue readingTag Archives: love
Narcissists, Relationships and Cognitive Dissoance – By Sherry Gaba LCSW
Excerpts from Psychology Today article, written by Sherry Gaba LCSW, on Narcissists, Relationships and Cognitive Dissonance:
Cognitive dissonance can occur in a range of different situations. Simply put, cognitive dissonance is having two very different thoughts or beliefs about something at the same time. It is very common in emotionally abusive situations and in relationships with narcissists.
Continue readingSurvivor Stories – What’s Love Got to Do With it?

Tina Turner’s bio-movie in 1993, “What’s Love Got to Do With it,” starring Angela Bassett and Laurence Fishburne (as Ike Turner), was probably the first celebrity “coming out” about domestic violence. Tina, married Ike at a very young age of 23. She knew him for six years before this, though they were not a couple the whole time. At the time of their marriage, he had two sons, she had a son and they had a son together. Ike, turned out to be violently abusive, pushed drugs/alcohol on her and was a womanizer to boot. Tina actually tried to consider suicide at one point in the marriage. I think the movie really made people think about him as a person, but also made her a heroine.
Continue readingOn the Mend – Foo Fighters

One more day that I’ve survived
Another night alone
Pay no mind, I’m doing fine
I’m breathing on my own
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
Wake me when the hour arrives
Wake me with my name
See you somewhere down the line
We’re tethered once again
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
Was it you?
Sat alone
Here we go
Close your eyes and stay a while
To take me where you go
Single file we walk the mile
Who’s wandering back home
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
Was it you?
Sat alone
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go
Written by: Dave Grohl, Taylor Hawkins, Nate Mendel, Chris Shiflett Album: In Your Honor Released: 2005
The first time I heard this song, I was in the middle of a trauma bond myself and felt very poorly. I felt that “on the mend,” spoke very much of a person who was trying to crawl out of a hole, and this could be from mental illness, sickness, grief, a normal break-up, or a trauma bond from a narcissist.
Continue readingThe Priority Male/Female in the Narcissistic Relationship

Generally professionals are surprised when I teach them about the “priority” male or female in a narcissistic relationship. The priority is someone who takes precedence over the girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife. Not much is said about this relationship, but it is something I keyed in on after years of mentally tracking patterns I saw and then began writing about this.
Continue readingJules et Jim – 1962 François Truffaut

This movie is a story about to men in friendship with each other, pre-WWI. One is Austrian, the other French. They meet Catherine who is mentally unstable but a lot of fun to be around. There are a lot of female stereotypes that she does not conform too and because they are not therapists and in that time period didn’t know anything about personality disorders, they looked past her eccentricities. One will end up regretting this at the end of the film.
Continue readingVoices Carry – Till Tuesday – He Wants me if he can Keep me in Line
Gone Girl – The Kind of Woman Everyman Should Fear

Written several years ago for another blog/website that is now defunct.
Last night I watched Gone Girl, which I found quite scary! I didn’t really like the ending but then I realized, if he had killed her that would have been predictable. If she had killed him, this would have been expected. It also would have turned the movie into a horror film and I would not have watched it. The ending was rather odd though and made no sense. Usually, this is what I love about foreign films, non-predictable and full of questions. And this is an American film.
However, I did turn to Wikipedia, for some clarification thinking I’d read something new. The scenes seemed to race by, like a British murder mystery that isn’t quite sure how to come to a conclusion. Often the sillier but much loved TV murder mysteries are so confusing in the end but you don’t really care because you enjoyed the storyline and the actors. I don’t really love Ben Affleck, but I think he can be a great actor. Sometimes he chooses really dumb storylines but overall, he is good. I don’t know much about Rosamund Pike but I thought she did a wonderful job. It seemed though that the focus was too much on her being pretty, like Reese Witherspoon in “Wild.” No matter what scene Reese was in, even as a junkie, she still looked made up. Too think that no one recognized “Amy” just because of her hair color (especially when they are sitting right next to each other at the trailer park hotel) was a bit of a stretch. It is possible I suppose. Isn’t that being non-politically correct though to stereotype poor white people?
The stereotypical feminist’s didn’t like it – of course! But what is strange is that Thelma and Louise are in their Top 10 of movies to watch. I found that movie rather ridiculous and not a film that showed strong female characters, rather, very weak and distraught. They probably wouldn’t have recognized Amy either. Amy was weak but mentally dysfunctional. Not too different than Natalie Portman’s character in “Black Swan.” It is funny that when the guy isn’t the bad guy and a woman is up against him it goes against stereotypical feminist beliefs but yet if it is a woman up against a woman, it makes sense? Or it is okay for the politically correct pundits. Here are some of the reviews by women via Wikipedia:
Writing in The Guardian on October 6, 2014, Joan Smith criticized what she saw as the film’s “recycling of rape myths”, citing research released in 2013 which claimed that false allegations of rape in the UK were extremely rare.[53] She wrote: “The characters live in a parallel universe where the immediate reaction to a woman who says she’s been assaulted is one of chivalrous concern. Tell that to all the victims, here and in the US, who have had their claims dismissed by skeptical police officers.”
I did think the scene with the police officers (who were they anyway?) was rather un-predictable and strange. I think the female cop in the beginning at least showed a little more common sense. Why were these other cops called in? I am sure the book would have explained it.
In an October 3, 2014, blog post for Ms. Magazine, Natalie Wilson argues that by not addressing Amy’s social privilege—whereby she possesses the “necessary funds, skills, know-how and spare time” to stage a disappearance—Gone Girl is the “crystallization of a thousand misogynist myths and fears about female behavior.”
I don’t think it is a myth or fear about female behavior if a male has been traumatized by a woman, any more than a woman having this fear in the same scenario. If the roles had been reversed in this film, it would have been predictable but the stereotypical feminists would have been salivating.
Alyssa Rosenberg wrote in the Washington Post on October 3, 2014, that, although she was initially “unconvinced” by the book, her fascination with the novel and film was partly due to her conclusion that “Amy Elliot Dunne is the only fictional character I can think of who might be accurately described as simultaneously misogynist and misandrist.”
I confess, I had to look up misandry because I had never heard the word before. Well, it is basically the definition of a stereotypical feminist.
Europeans love women and allow them to be in films, no matter what their age. The women don’t have all these issues that American women have about the roles they play. This is probably why they are in more films. That and they often speak more than one language which makes them versatile for different markets. I began to wonder about how things would have been if Gone Girl had been a European film. If the movie had been made in France, no doubt Isabelle Huppert would have starred in it. She definitely wouldn’t have come across as being “too pretty,” in all her scenes, though she is a beautiful woman. She is one of those actresses that always come across as intense, dark and fearful. In fact, I tend to become a little nervous about watching the movies she is starring in. “Merci Pour Le Chocolat,” comes to mind. From the onset, you don’t even imagine this will be a happy family story even with the designer wardrobe and the vast estate. The mansion looks like it belonged to Erzsébet Báthory. The nice expensive clothes on Isabelle’s character aren’t even noticed when the camera pans on her face while she is talking.
If it were made in Spain, Penélope Cruz would no doubt have been the lead and Pedro Almadovar would have directed it. I think of “Volver,” and how Pedro’s films always seem to make sense “When you put it that way.” Penélope has a huge repertoire of personalities that can come out on film. The “extras” that came with one of her films I rented through Netflix (DVD) showed her being filmed doing stills, while the cameraman asked her to portray different thoughts. I think it was after her Italian film “Don’t Move,” which is a story about a prostitute in a relationship with a physician, who ultimately rapes her. I was caught off guard by how ugly she was able to make herself for this performance, which was certainly very important to really embrace the character and not think of the actress.
In the end, I think Gone Girl was a good film in many respects. The beginning was rather stale and dry, though it began to make sense as it continued. I initially thought Ben Affleck was behaving like a bored actor not wanting to make a film. The gripping turn of events is what made me look at the film in a much better light. I began to realize Ben’s character Nick was really just confused and unsure of himself. In fact, I initially thought this was going to be a predictable storyline but then began to fear for Nick because I don’t like to see someone wrongfully accused. I don’t hate men. They took some time showing Amy in her true light, of course it made it much more palatable as a movie with this twist. I might like to have seen something that showed her a little off other than the “Amazing Amy,” clue. The ending probably could have used some work because I think confusing endings are okay but it just seemed out of context for the film. I can’t quite put my finger on what I think would have made more sense. Watch it because it is not a typical American movie, if you are one of those who hate modern US films. Don’t watch it if you are a stereotypical feminist, as you probably won’t find it fits your mindset. To fear it because you are a man is ludicrous and typecasting, just as it would be if the roles were reversed. It is a good film, don’t try to politicize it. There are mentally ill men and women. Even if it is rare that a woman would lie about rape, it does happen. It also makes for good plot twists and storylines.
Healthy Relationships: What do they Look Like? Part II

A good relationship isn’t hard to understand but it is hard work. It is difficult for those who have never been allowed to have a voice to suddenly speak without their throat collapsing. To be able to say “This is what I want,” without someone making them feel like a heel for even thinking about that need. To be able to set a boundary without hearing the word “No,” or just being ignored. It requires that you are brave and assert yourself. It also means that you don’t stay with the person if they are not respecting your requests or allowing you to have your needs met. A good relationship means that a person doesn’t run away when there is a crisis. They stick by you as the two of you see it through. A good relationship means that both people are committed to being on this team. You take responsibility for the bills being paid and understand that there is something required of you when the chips are down. When you have children you undertake this task together and don’t expect the other will do all the work. You realize that both of you are creating this new team member and the result of your actions will determine the future for this young soul.
Continue readingHealthy Relationships: What do they Look Like? Part I

What does a good relationship look like? There is a really good book out called “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts” (1996) by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. This was one of the first books I read on looking at what works in a relationship and I read this prior to graduate school. I was seeking answers myself; curious how people make things happen. When I met a couple that seemed to have a good relationship, I would ask what made them so great. I always heard the good one’s say “communication,” as to why their relationship lasted as long as it did. What does this look like though? If you have grown up in a narcissistic household, where you have lost your sense of self – or in a relationship where you are broken down, it is confusing. I am not sure these really good relationship role models, I met, know the answer themselves. I think they just know this is the secret and it is what everyone says.
Continue reading
