Image from a Spanish Movie “The Red Virgin,” based on a true story about a mother/daughter.
Recently, my client began to become aware of her mother and father both being what she would presume to be a narcissist. I had know they were showing symptoms of this all along, but she wasn’t ready yet and I am not going to push someone. The awareness was like “coming out of the closet,” excitement/honeymoon stage of “Aha, I finally have some answers.” Now, we are at the “Now what stage” and not feeling so excited. “How do I hang out with them? I like some things about them and don’t want to abandon them but at the same time, how do I deal with this” (paraphrased). This is the question I am asked so often. And, now I will give you some thoughts on this.
Personally, I can only imagine as I did not grow up in one nor was I allowed to raise my own. However, I am reading a political book right now, about a very famous/infamous (depending on who would hear the name) woman and her hidden subtitle might be “Growing Up in a Healthy Household.” I am withholding her name because I want to focus on my intent here. Her book is a very controversial but factual storyline about a life changing event in our country. Her father is a previous Vice-President and the two of them wrote a book together. Her mother has written several books, one of which she brought up in this book – that I will be reading next. As she writes about her family, brought up for various reasons, it is to share different things within the context of her book. For me, it kept hitting home, what it must be like to have two healthy parents.
As I was talking to a client the other day, they spoke of their shock and now a feeling of the “reality sinking in,” but still having no clue what happened, I kept thinking about how to explain this. I suddenly said that it felt like it was invisible, or stealth and seemed like gaslighting. Many people break-up with a partner, there is no clue at all, some thoughts but no idea about the “why.” The reality is the cognitive dissonance, remembering all the good times they had and then out of nowhere “the rug is pulled out from under them.”
This week has been a difficult and challenging week for me. I had to trust someone, an attorney, who luckily was able to help me get through one challenge. On another situation, an organization I belong to, decided to strip away my trust by changing their bylaws and not informing their members. I found out by reading about it in the Daily Wire. My local branch had changed their by-laws last year, I voted “No,” because it smelled fishy to me. The chapter regent beat around the bush when I declared my concerns to her after the meeting. She “would get back to me on it, after talking to some people higher up.” She never did. I resigned from the organization this past weekend, after reading this article and knowing that it was correct.
Yesterday, our former president was the victim of a second assassination attempt by someone who, in the least, suffered from Anti-Social Personality Disorder. ASPD is a given when an adult commits a crime. With a child, it would be called Conduct Disorder. My thinking right now is – bad luck comes in threes – the Secret Service (and other law enforcement) did a great job yesterday, now they should be even more prepared, no matter where he goes. However, crime in America is worse than it has ever been. A lack of values, a division of people, anti-Semitism not seen since WWII, attacks on freedom of speech (usually conservative), a lack of professionalism in the workplace (all the way to the political debates) and then political lies that go unchecked from a biased debate.
Ladies and gentlemen. I step away from writing about women’s history to approach a state of our union as it now stands. A state of the union in regards to women’s rights, privacy, safety, security, and a sacredness of being a woman. It is hard for me to stay focused on the past, when right now, our rights are being violated across the country as we speak. I want to hear from you women about the experiences you have been forced to undergo, in our nation.
The House of Representatives, on February, the ninth of this year, introduced H.Res. 115: Establishing a Women’s Bill of Rights to reaffirm legal protections afforded to women under Federal law. This is something that every woman needs to know about and make sure that their U.S. Representatives and U.S. Senators are on board with. Explain to them why this is important to you.
Here is my story. I am a member of the OSU (Ohio) Phillip Heit Fitness Center in New Albany, Ohio. The end of January, while brushing my hair and completely dressed, I look over and see a male in front of me in the locker room. In my 60+ year history, I have never once been in a bathroom or locker room and had to face seeing a male. I was in shock and disbelief. I had heard about these things happening but hoped that since I was paying $100/month for a luxury facility, I would not have to deal with such things. I went to the management, who appeared sympathetic. A week later, he produced a DEI policy from the university, (see below) and that was that. He even asked me if I was cancelling my membership. I needed to breathe. I did not. I determined instead that I would fight back, because I had a right to be there and be in that women’s locker room. He did not – policy or no policy – its common sense. I have since seen him one other time. This time, I had my towel wrapped around me and became extremely uncomfortable. I have approached DEI, just for shits and giggles – I did not expect them, her (ironically) to sympathize. I made her aware that her “inclusion” meant “exclusion” for women. I have filed a mandated child/elder report with the New Albany PD, as I am a licensed professional mental health therapist. They said it did not fit voyeurism because of the policy.
Let’s review policy. Did black people enjoy the benefits of the Jim Crowe Laws that began in the late 19th century and continued into the 1960’s? Did black people enjoy the policy of seeing signs saying “No Colored People Allowed?” Did they enjoy sitting in the back of the bus? The irony of this is that the OSU DEI person was not only a woman but a black woman. I would be willing to bet many DEI people across the country are minorities fighting to make sure they are “inclusionary.” I do not enjoy, feel safe, feel comfortable, or enjoy having my privacy violated for a tiny minority of people with mental health issues. These policies need to end. The US Supreme Court determined the other day that Affirmative Action is not Equality and will end. One small step.
Gender Dysphoria is a mental health issue. While we would not collude with schizophrenic hallucinations by listening and agreeing with them, we certainly should not be excluding women, biological women if I need to say this to be clear, from the privacy of their changing rooms, sports or bathrooms. Trans identifying people can do whatever they want, that is their business. As long as they are not harming children, influencing children, or invading women’s or even men’s spaces (though, to my knowledge no woman has been disrespectful enough of herself and men to walk into a men’s restroom or locker room – or sports team). When people have mental health issues, they need help. They do not need to be glamorized on TV or in the movies. It is not fun or funny to have a mental health issue. A small percentage actually cross over and get prosthesis put on their bodies, otherwise, they don’t. And, as such, they need to respect women, men and themselves and go to the lavatory of their biology.
What will it take for us to get our private spaces returned? Will we need to wait for a woman to be killed? Already, women have been attacked in bathrooms, raped, and according to a prison police officer that I spoke to, there were six women impregnated here in Ohio, because of men “identifying” as a woman and put in women’s prisons. Women in prison in Canada, spoke in an article about a trans male who was a child molester, and placed in the section with mothers and their children, as a babysitter. Who really has rights? Four children were removed by Children’s Protective Services in Boston, last week, after paramedics called to the scene, found several drag men in a filthy hovel, with these children, oh, and a dead body. Agatha Christie couldn’t have done better herself.
Muslim and some Jewish women are not allowed to remove their head garments, not to mention their clothing in front of a male. Does anyone care about this? We know what we talk about in the bathroom/locker room. These are conversations that we don’t want to have in front of a male who has no idea what it is like to be a woman. Identifying as whatever you want, does not make you that sex. It simply means you are in costume – in drag. Those of us who are seniors and are dealing with the aging body are not interested in being ogled by someone who wants to be us. They never will be. They will never understand. There is a sacred bond between women. There is a knowingness.
I think of the holocaust movies I have seen where men and women were thrown into a gas chamber, forced to strip naked in front of each other before the “showers” were turned on. Their last moments on Earth, they were completely humiliated before being annihilated. As a highly sensitive person, I have never been able to get this horrible image out of my head. Of course, this is just one of the many humiliated moments the Jewish people had to face before ultimate doom.
Women’s sports are no longer this. Now, a man who fails in men’s sports can just say he is a woman, and suddenly “Bob’s your uncle.” or Aunt he would expect you to say. Women fought long and hard to come up with Title IX which finally passed in 1972, thanks to Republican President Richard M. Nixon. Democrats love to say that President Wilson gave us the right to vote – ignoring the fact that his wife talked him into it, finally. So, we accomplished this in 72 and now, the Women’s Bill of Rights, above, was also initiated by Republicans in the House. Ironic, isn’t it? Where are all the feminists now? With Bob, now in women’s sports, women are losing in every sporting race around the world, to a failed male sportsman.
What would our ancestors say? Can you imagine your grandmother or great-grandmother having to change in a locker room with a male? To me, it just seems so dirty and repulsive. It was for myself when I had to undertake this shame, imposed upon me by “the” Ohio State University. I am a mother, grandmother, great-aunt, aunt, sister, and daughter. I am a woman and I have rights. All women have rights, this is what our ancestors fought for.
OSU not only said they will refuse to create a gender neutral space for this one male, they also said “We can’t force someone to use that restroom.” They can’t force him but they can force all of us to stand naked in front of a male. They also have yet to share with their members, this DEI policy or tell them, at my request, that this has already happened. The majority of our members are seniors. We have a handful of teens, of which he is one of them, and we occasionally have mothers bringing their children in the locker room to use the toilet after a swim class (the children are not supposed to be in there but as mothers, we don’t blink for a little kid who has to pee). A teen who has to leer at women, we do blink at.
My final concern is toward women who have been abused, especially sexual abuse by males. As a mental health professional, who specializes in working with PTSD survivors and writes immigrations evaluations for women (and men) who have faced atrocities around the world, triggered is a big word I teach. Imagine being kidnapped and tortured by a male, you come to the US and there you are in a fitness center, with a male standing in front of you. Imagine you are raped by a male, as a child, and there you are facing a male coming out of a shower in a locker room. These “inclusionary” policies are disrespectful and completely oblivious to the common sense of why this should not happen to women. I am stating the obvious over and over again. Women have a right to privacy in bathrooms and locker rooms. Women have a right to compete with women in sports. Women have a right to serve their punishment in the company of women. Women have a right to their own clubs (i.e., sororities, Girl Scouts of America, etc…). Women have a right to continue cherishing the sacredness of being a woman, with other women. We should not have to state “biological” in order to differentiate. We should not have to beg police, prison guards, universities, primary and secondary schools, school boards, and our local, state, and federal politicians to protect us. It should be a given. It was until something called a “pandemic,” in which the world went absolutely nuts.
Note: In the photo above, the email (handwritten) should be osu.edu not osumc.edu. This is the policy that, as of this writing, no email has been sent to members of our fitness center. Why the secrecy?
Watch this or read the blog below! Whichever you prefer.
I am a psychotherapist in the Columbus, Ohio area. I have been working with survivors of narcissists for many years and during this time I continue to find new ways to help support the survivor as I learn myself. In my own evolution or increasing self-awareness as a psychology professional and a survivor of narcissism.
The above quote is the very first line you will read in Anna Karenina. It is the only line I really cherished as I couldn’t fathom the book. I could manage the movie but Russian writers are not my forte.
As we go into the holiday season, don’t focus on what you see on social media, focus on the reality of your own life, on how you can become a better person. I can tell you that so many of the lies you see on social media, I have learned about in my office. They are not happy families; they show you what they imagine they have. There are some rare circumstances but more and more, it is like finding that rare penny that will make you a millionaire.
As our world moves away from customer service, people’s lives continue to be disrupted more and more with the lies about modernization being “Better” and “More Efficient” for our lives. The pandemic forced people out of business, whether it was a large corporation laying off or a small business who was told that they had to close up shop and stay home – for fears – due to the mass hysteria created by the government. People were then treated to “government paychecks” to stay-at-home, and this created isolation, more fear, depression and anxiety.
This was an opening that created a diversion for what was next. Psychotherapists were now working from their homes and saving on rent for office space. Non-profits, had already been doing this for years, claiming that in-home therapy was conducive to supporting low-income clients by keeping them stuck in their houses, under the guise that we were “treating them in their own environment. In reality, this meant they did NOT get a break from the chaos of drugs/alcohol, abuse, filth, and the crisis of being in the projects or low-income housing.
A Frequent Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love--Plus More . . . with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales