When are they NOT a Narcissist?

There are so many articles about Narcissism on the internet. It is easy to lump someone into a category when “narcissistic traits” may seem to be prevalent in many other diagnoses. This is the reason why it is inappropriate to diagnose someone who is not in the room. Often times, I will hear people talking about their partner and I realize they may have TBI or PTSD. They may also have Depression or some other mental health condition. Addicts DO seem to be narcissistic but this is because they are putting the addiction before the family, job or partner. Below are some things to be aware of. No one should diagnose anyone unless they are a psychological professional and they are in the room with this person. Even then, we don’t necessarily tell the person, unless we are going to do treatment on them or they seem open to listening.

  1. Narcissistic traits vs. personality disorder – As mentioned above, the traits can be seen in a myriad of diagnoses and so it might not be the personality disorder. We are all egotistical and so there are times when we can seem like narcissists to others.
  2. Another personality disorder. In my practicum, I worked with a woman who had Histrionic Personality Disorder. Now, I can recall her narcissistic traits, but it was way more drama. The men who have begun to see me for a Narcissistic partner, generally seem to be Borderline. Anti-Social Personality Disorder is really what is going on in the movie “Gaslight.”
  3.  I have had people tell me that a mentally ill person was a “narcissist” or that the addict was a “narcissist,” for example. Those traits will surface from these types of other diagnoses. Which comes first though? What will they be like on medication or clean and sober? This is something that we can’t answer until it happens. I try to empathize with the mentally ill person – who is not in treatment – when explaining to my clients or to people in general. With an addict, I will say “Oh, they are an addict. And the fix is their priority, not you or anyone else, which makes them seem like a narcissist.” Mentally ill people often feel bad about the strain caused on their families by their illness.
  4. Is the man/woman angry due to undisclosed sexual abuse or because of a traumatic brain injury or PTSD? I try to dig deep when I hear a man come into my office who says he was told he was a narcissist. Women aren’t generally told this for some reason. If we find out what is really going on, then we can treat the problem and find a solution. If a man is coming into my office and addressing his own narcissism by taking responsibility for this, that is usually a good sign. I would like to say that most likely they are not as the narcissist does not take responsibility. It is always everyone else’s fault.
  5. Women will often ask “Am I a Narcissist,” thinking it is genetic or maybe it wasn’t my mom or maybe it wasn’t my husband/boyfriend, maybe it was me. There is a study that I have read but I am not convinced yet, I have seen it re-enacted but not inherited.
  6. There are walls put up by the person with PTSD. I specialize in this, and I prepare for the defensiveness when they have it (not always), sometimes they can be quite angry. I never take it personally; they aren’t angry at me or at us as psychotherapists. Their behaviors sometimes can be narcissistic because they are protecting themselves from assumed tragedy, crisis, pending danger. They are angry at all men or all women. They are angry at the perpetrator and their ego shows us a very cocky, know it all, in charge, protector – or a very strong person who is trying to be in control of the world around them. They know this. The narcissist is not aware that they are doing these behaviors, some are conscious though and this is a whole other level.

The narcissist is not aware of their behaviors and how it impacts others. The parent is not concerned about how their children will turn out as adults and how it correlates to the way they raised them. They will talk about their children’s outcomes and will approve or disapprove but do not correlate with themselves and their spouse. They are “bad children”, “they became drug addicts,” “they are a horrible parent,” “they live in the basement because they can’t make it on their own.” I have heard a parent say, “I don’t want them to leave, because I don’t want to be alone.” That is, at least, some acknowledgement of responsibility.

In conclusion, don’t assume the person is a narcissist. If the articles you are reading online, make sense, talk to a therapist to discuss this further. The most important thing is not their diagnosis but how you are handling this relationship, yourself, and what steps should you take to heal and move on in your life. Take a look at my workshop on the “Survivors” page above, which can be found on Udemy.

What is a Narcissist?

a woman kissing a mask instead of the man who has turned

What does a narcissist look like? According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5 – 0-6% of the population has an actual diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and of this population 75% are male. I am going to tell you the traits of a narcissistic person, not the diagnostic criteria. I don’t want you to get caught up in what the diagnosis is because it doesn’t matter. If you are a therapist reading this, than you will know where to look to find this answer but what really matters is the personality type, not the diagnosis. This is because you are not working with the narcissist but with the survivor. If you are the survivor, you need to focus on YOUR LIFE right now.

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Why Trans are Taking Advantage of Women Now

Men did not want to be women until around the pandemic. People were isolated and went stir crazy boarded up in their homes around the world. Until then, men didn’t really care too much to be women. Trans thinking was a small minority of people and let’s look at the reasons why – in my opinion.

  1. Women didn’t have the right to vote until 1920 and minority groups of women didn’t have the right to vote until much later. Asian women 1952, Native American women 1962, Black women 1965, for Latinas, there are three dates: 1929 for literate women, 1935 for Puerto Ricans and then 1975 prohibiting discrimination against non-English speaking people. Before 1920, men could vote without a problem.
  2. Women could not compete in the Olympics until 1920 and this was a special “Women’s Olympics.” Until 1972 with Title IX, you did not see women’s sports teams in schools and universities. Before this, men WERE sports.
  3. Women being allowed to work. Well, prostitution is the oldest profession known to women, but when it comes to legal paid professions, there was factory work – for poor people and women were not looked at too favorably if they had to do this. You could be a nanny or servant in a home. Then you were allowed to work as a Rosie in WWII. A couple of women worked as de-coders during the war, but this was an exception to the rule (they were pretty damn good!). Until the 60’s, you really didn’t see women having careers – as a rule. And, guess what, women didn’t get paid equally to men.
  4. Girls Scouts of America, was brought here by Juliette Lowe, who knew the Baden-Powell’s in England that founded the original boys and girls guide groups there. The Girl Scouts were founded here, specifically like in England, to help poor girls gather practical skills to survive in the world. Men already knew these skills, as they learned these things growing up.
  5. Daughters of the American Revolution was founded one year after the Sons of the American Revolution, by four women and this WAS a genealogical group whereby women had to prove (as did the men) that they were descendants of someone involved in the American Revolution (soldier, activist, etc…). As a previous member (before they began allowing men) and an adopted female, I had to prove my heritage by finding my original birth certificate before I was adopted. Luckily, Ohio allows this. Now, men can hand over fake birth certificates where the state now “legally” declares them a woman. Not the original birth certificate, which would say they were a male. Adopted folks still need to prove their original birth heritage. The four women who founded this once prestigious organization are turning in their graves in shame.
  6. Bathrooms and locker rooms. Well, if a man was caught in the bathroom or a locker room say at a ladies tennis court, their husbands would have beat the living daylights out of this person for even attempting to pretend to be a lady and peep in on their women. I am pretty sure this was not allowed at private country clubs either. We had respect for women at that time, even if we didn’t allow them to work or vote. Women were protected in some way shape or form.
  7. Women owning homes. My very own home in Columbus Ohio was first purchased by a woman in 1928. She was not married yet. I am not sure when a woman could first own a home but I can definitely attest to the fact that it was not easy for a woman to do so. You could not even open a line of credit, as a woman, until 1971, so if you purchased a home, you had to pay cash. This might have come from family inheritances or a family loan. Men NEVER had a problem buying homes, opening lines of credit.
  8. Going to college – there were a couple of colleges that allowed women to attend. Most notably here in Ohio, we had Oberlin and Antioch in the mid 1800’s. Yale and Princeton did not accept women until 1969 and Harvard it would not be until 1977. Men NEVER had a problem going to college prior to these years. If they had the money and for the ivy-league groups – the prestige – they went to college.
  9. Women’s prisons were first established between the 1870’s-1900 in the U.S. Now, suddenly, men can say they are a “woman” and they get a free pass to sexually abuse and impregnate women in federal prisons. The first male to female surgery – paid for by the prison system was in 2022. Now, finally, President Trump is trying to get this abolished. Trans people have “concerns” about their safety in men’s prisons. When was it “safe” to be in prison?
  10. Convents – there is already a man trying to insert himself into a nunnery in England. He is trying to establish himself as a Carolinian “sister.” Luckily, the nuns in this organization are saying they are unable to “accommodate a transgender nun.” Can you imagine? The sacredness of this woman’s organization, taking vows of chastity and suddenly a dick walks in the shower?

Men who want to be women need to have their own trans groups. Women have established themselves in women’s groups to have a safe space to be women, to talk, to share psychological and emotional space with one another. It is a sacred place to discuss violence in the home but also a place to discuss family matters; rearing children, dealing with husbands, taking care of the home, and financial support. A woman’s group is not a place for men, any more than I would want to invade a private men’s group such as the mason’s or a men’s athletic club. The privacy of women’s groups are no different than the privacy of Hungarian Cultural Associations (for Hungarians) or other ethnic groups. It is no different than African-Americans not wanting white people to join their group. It is why an Indian woman once asked me in an Indian store in California “What are you doing here?” It was sacred to her and I was not offended because I realized this suddenly. The same stares have occurred in La Michoacana stores as well. We have to accept that these places are for their (our) safety, their community, and their cultural sanity. Of course me visiting a retail store is hardly the same as invading a woman’s bathroom, sports team or prison.

To get a better perspective, take a look a this timeline of women’s legal rights in the U.S. and keep in mind that it depended on which state you lived in. There is no “timeline of men’s legal rights” in the U.S. except for minorities and foreigners. This is the reason why I have no sympathy for men who want to be women and take over our rights and spaces that we have worked very hard to gain. It is why I have no sympathy for liberal women “feminists,” who have become hypocrites. Why I left the Daughters of the American Revolution (last month) who shamelessly turned the organization upside down in 2022 (unbeknownst to me as this is when I as admitted). As a woman who has been reading and writing about women’s history for her entire life, I am not about to abandon my ancestors ever. Part of who I am is a woman with integrity. Men who choose to dress like women have no integrity or self-respect. They have no respect for women. This is a new way of being a misogynist and raping women worldwide.

As we celebrate WOMEN’s History month, we are not celebrating men who want to be women. That is a choice. Arguably they believe their mental health depends on this. However, a good therapist could help support them in this battle. Real women do not have a choice in the matter and we did not have choices in history and still battle with men taking advantage of us worldwide. Women are still forced into human trafficking – more than men. They are still forced into female genital mutilation in Muslim groups. They are still forced into marriage as children in third world countries. Every 9 seconds in the U.S. a woman is assualted or beaten. Not a man, not a man wanting to be a woman – A WOMAN.

Please bare this in mind when you are thinking about women’s history month during the month of March and in every single month thereafter. Women’s rights are sacred to women. Real biological women. XX

The Red Virgin – Captive of the Narcissistic Mother

Hildegart Rodríguez

Who was Aurora Rodríguez Carballeira and what made her become the obsessed narcissistic mother of Hildegart? So little is known about this woman but much is known about Hildegart because of her writings. She was conceived sometime in 1914 and born at the end of the year on December 9th in Ferrol, Spain. She died 18 years later at the hands of her mother’s gun. In the meantime, she was the protégé of her mother, who held her emotionally and sometimes physically captive in their home where she was under the “protection” of her mother. We only have the Spanish movie “The Red Virgin,” to give us a glimpse of what the screenplay writer wants us to know and understand.

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Narcissistic Women – Yep, they Aren’t always Men

I love this video as it is important to look at both men and women who are abusers and victims who are both men and women.

In the past year, I have had many men come to see me who are, or have been in relationships with either Narcissists or Borderline women. I am so proud of them for being brave enough to come in and break the stigma that only women are being abused in the world. Emotional Abuse and Financial Abuse are some of the two top behaviors I see with women who are the Narcissists (or Borderlines). I am also beginning to learn about serial affairs from some of these women. There is trauma that occurs to a partner when an affair occurs, whether one or multiple. And, just as a side note, I see trauma to children when either mother or father cheats. It is not PTSD, but it is a type of trauma.

Then, I am seeing men who are either in short term situations with the narcissists or long term. The short term, no shock, is generally with an Instagram influencer type – several men have told me about these quick relationships. The short term Instagram Influencer is more about taking money from the guy, is very shallow, using emotional manipulation to get what they want. This impacts the male ego a little differently than a long term relationship or marriage with a narcissist. With the short term, there will be a discard and she will go on to the next guy. It is a game of chasing or cat/mouse until someone gets bored or the victim begins to have self-realization.

When you are living with and being berated day in and day out by the love of your life, it is going to have long term consequences to the psyche. Having racing thoughts, low feelings of self-worth, no sense of self, blaming, feelings of hopelessness. These are all ways to bring the man down over many years of living with this person. It is not much different than with a female who is being abused.

The serial cheating is taking advantage of the marriage, the male partner; destroying their sexual sense of self. Not to mention putting the partner at risk for STDs, and don’t forget, the woman can get pregnant. It is one thing when the male narcissist is making another woman pregnant and she lives somewhere else. Another when the female narcissist gets pregnant and is living with their victim and bringing another man’s child into the mix. Both are not good family values and destroy trust and the sacredness of the vows that were spoken.

I wanted to shed light on this, as I begin to explore this topic further in my practice. It bears mentioning to give these men a voice and begin to look at the differences and similarities in what I am starting to see between narcissistic women and narcissistic men.

If you would like to be a part of a research study I am conducting on narcissistic abuse survivors, please email me at transformpsych @ outlook.com (spaces created to prevent spam, so don’t use them). I can send you the questionnaire and you can email back after filling out online. Thank you!

Survivors of Narcissist – Differences Between Men and Women

Yes, there are male survivors of narcissistic women and I am beginning to see them come to my office more and more these days. While the DSM -5 states that 50-75% of narcissists are men, that leaves those 25-50% who are women. And, think of the books written to address daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – they had to have fathers too.

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Women’s Rights Annihilated by Narcissistic Men and Feminists.

American life is in subtle ways so one-sided. The real natural man is just in open rebellion against the utterly inhuman form of life.

Carl Gustav Jung – a 1990 Documentary of an INterview (Psychology Library YouTube)

What has happened 103 years later, post 19th Amendment, that “some women,” the feminists, ironically are no longer fighting for women’s rights? Why are men suddenly determined to become women and take over our locker rooms, bathrooms, sports leagues and getting away with it? Why are there young children, taking the stand at PTA meetings, begging for support from the school board? Why are teachers turning against parents and sexualizing children across the country? Why are pediatricians not caring about ethics in favor of money from big pharmaceutical companies and the hospitals lavishing in this new cash cow – post pandemic favoritism (rhetorical yes)? Why is our own President, lavishing awards to men on International Women’s Day and promoting trans rights? And, why are we suddenly seeing children being brought to trans events – with a huge sensitivity now to pedophiles – and actors supporting this?

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Temptation (1946 film) – The Trauma Bond Experience

Last night I went on Youtube to look for something interesting and different to watch. I had no idea I could actually watch an entire film without advertising, while not being a payer. I clicked on the link thinking it was a critic engaging in a discussion of the film and ended up watching this wonderful storyline.

The film stars Merle Oberon who was a British-Asian actress (her Asian heritage was a secret to the audience in that time period). This was my first time to see her in a movie other than Wuthering Heights. In Temptation, a woman named Ruby is looking to strengthen her financial picture, and goes after an Egyptologist, Nigel. She shares her secret ambitions with her doctor, assuming that he must keep this secret. She assumes he does. Her marriage takes her to Egypt, and she leads a very boring life until she meets Mahmoud Baroudi. This is when the trauma bond begins.

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Healthy Relationships Don’t Have Blaming or Punishment

Healthy relationships are not blaming you by twisting something that you said around – they take responsibility for their own actions. Healthy Relationships do not punish you with passive aggressive tactics such as not allowing you to attend an event they invited you to or not calling for several days. The key word here is Boundaries and the person you are with respecting these boundaries. If they do, you are in a healthy relationship, if they don’t, you are being blamed and punished.

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