I had recently turned 17 when my boyfriend proposed to me – which was nothing more than asking me in bed one day if I would marry him. We went and got a ring, and my mom raced me down to Lazarus to their Bridal Department. It was a beautiful day, probably one of the best memories I have with my mom, as a teen. I put the gown on, one that I had fantasized about from all the wedding magazines. I was on a dais, looking at myself in a three-fold mirror and felt like I was on top of the world. Intuitively, even though I didn’t understand what this word meant back then, I knew I would never wear the dress.
This is an issue that is often unrecognized in courtrooms due to a lack of training and knowledge of this topic. This is a good video and a great discussion between three professional women who highlight different cases they are aware of.
As an ex-CPS worker I can say that emotional abuse, manipulation, this is very difficult to see – which they talk about above. This is rarely a reason to remove a child.
What I will also add is that men can sometimes be a victim of coercive control as well. I have listened to many stories of how women and turned a situation around to their advantage and the man walks away penniless or alienated from his children.
Dr. Christine Cocchiola. Take a look at her website to learn more about her training/coaching for professionals and clients.
If you get a chance and can find the documentary Divorce Corp. It is very telling to hear about how finances play a role in lengthening this process – when people have it and even when they don’t.
Movies are my favorite tool for helping a client to understand what I am talking about. All of the films below show a relationship with a NPD, in different ways. Some of the films below are shown in the Marquee above.
You can find more of my videos on Youtube Make sure to Subscribe when you get there so you can be notified of when I make a new video. It is not often, so it won’t be a daily memo.
There are so many articles about Narcissism on the internet. It is easy to lump someone into a category when “narcissistic traits” may seem to be prevalent in many other diagnoses. This is the reason why it is inappropriate to diagnose someone who is not in the room. Often times, I will hear people talking about their partner and I realize they may have TBI or PTSD. They may also have Depression or some other mental health condition. Addicts DO seem to be narcissistic but this is because they are putting the addiction before the family, job or partner. Below are some things to be aware of. No one should diagnose anyone unless they are a psychological professional and they are in the room with this person. Even then, we don’t necessarily tell the person, unless we are going to do treatment on them or they seem open to listening.
Narcissistic traits vs. personality disorder – As mentioned above, the traits can be seen in a myriad of diagnoses and so it might not be the personality disorder. We are all egotistical and so there are times when we can seem like narcissists to others.
Another personality disorder. In my practicum, I worked with a woman who had Histrionic Personality Disorder. Now, I can recall her narcissistic traits, but it was way more drama. The men who have begun to see me for a Narcissistic partner, generally seem to be Borderline. Anti-Social Personality Disorder is really what is going on in the movie “Gaslight.”
I have had people tell me that a mentally ill person was a “narcissist” or that the addict was a “narcissist,” for example. Those traits will surface from these types of other diagnoses. Which comes first though? What will they be like on medication or clean and sober? This is something that we can’t answer until it happens. I try to empathize with the mentally ill person – who is not in treatment – when explaining to my clients or to people in general. With an addict, I will say “Oh, they are an addict. And the fix is their priority, not you or anyone else, which makes them seem like a narcissist.” Mentally ill people often feel bad about the strain caused on their families by their illness.
Is the man/woman angry due to undisclosed sexual abuse or because of a traumatic brain injury or PTSD? I try to dig deep when I hear a man come into my office who says he was told he was a narcissist. Women aren’t generally told this for some reason. If we find out what is really going on, then we can treat the problem and find a solution. If a man is coming into my office and addressing his own narcissism by taking responsibility for this, that is usually a good sign. I would like to say that most likely they are not as the narcissist does not take responsibility. It is always everyone else’s fault.
Women will often ask “Am I a Narcissist,” thinking it is genetic or maybe it wasn’t my mom or maybe it wasn’t my husband/boyfriend, maybe it was me. There is a study that I have read but I am not convinced yet, I have seen it re-enacted but not inherited.
There are walls put up by the person with PTSD. I specialize in this, and I prepare for the defensiveness when they have it (not always), sometimes they can be quite angry. I never take it personally; they aren’t angry at me or at us as psychotherapists. Their behaviors sometimes can be narcissistic because they are protecting themselves from assumed tragedy, crisis, pending danger. They are angry at all men or all women. They are angry at the perpetrator and their ego shows us a very cocky, know it all, in charge, protector – or a very strong person who is trying to be in control of the world around them. They know this. The narcissist is not aware that they are doing these behaviors, some are conscious though and this is a whole other level.
The narcissist is not aware of their behaviors and how it impacts others. The parent is not concerned about how their children will turn out as adults and how it correlates to the way they raised them. They will talk about their children’s outcomes and will approve or disapprove but do not correlate with themselves and their spouse. They are “bad children”, “they became drug addicts,” “they are a horrible parent,” “they live in the basement because they can’t make it on their own.” I have heard a parent say, “I don’t want them to leave, because I don’t want to be alone.” That is, at least, some acknowledgement of responsibility.
In conclusion, don’t assume the person is a narcissist. If the articles you are reading online, make sense, talk to a therapist to discuss this further. The most important thing is not their diagnosis but how you are handling this relationship, yourself, and what steps should you take to heal and move on in your life. Take a look at my workshop on the “Survivors” page above, which can be found on Udemy.
a woman kissing a mask instead of the man who has turned
What does a narcissist look like? According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5 – 0-6% of the population has an actual diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and of this population 75% are male. I am going to tell you the traits of a narcissistic person, not the diagnostic criteria. I don’t want you to get caught up in what the diagnosis is because it doesn’t matter. If you are a therapist reading this, than you will know where to look to find this answer but what really matters is the personality type, not the diagnosis. This is because you are not working with the narcissist but with the survivor. If you are the survivor, you need to focus on YOUR LIFE right now.
Who was Aurora Rodríguez Carballeira and what made her become the obsessed narcissistic mother of Hildegart? So little is known about this woman but much is known about Hildegart because of her writings. She was conceived sometime in 1914 and born at the end of the year on December 9th in Ferrol, Spain. She died 18 years later at the hands of her mother’s gun. In the meantime, she was the protégé of her mother, who held her emotionally and sometimes physically captive in their home where she was under the “protection” of her mother. We only have the Spanish movie “The Red Virgin,” to give us a glimpse of what the screenplay writer wants us to know and understand.
I love this video as it is important to look at both men and women who are abusers and victims who are both men and women.
In the past year, I have had many men come to see me who are, or have been in relationships with either Narcissists or Borderline women. I am so proud of them for being brave enough to come in and break the stigma that only women are being abused in the world. Emotional Abuse and Financial Abuse are some of the two top behaviors I see with women who are the Narcissists (or Borderlines). I am also beginning to learn about serial affairs from some of these women. There is trauma that occurs to a partner when an affair occurs, whether one or multiple. And, just as a side note, I see trauma to children when either mother or father cheats. It is not PTSD, but it is a type of trauma.
Then, I am seeing men who are either in short term situations with the narcissists or long term. The short term, no shock, is generally with an Instagram influencer type – several men have told me about these quick relationships. The short term Instagram Influencer is more about taking money from the guy, is very shallow, using emotional manipulation to get what they want. This impacts the male ego a little differently than a long term relationship or marriage with a narcissist. With the short term, there will be a discard and she will go on to the next guy. It is a game of chasing or cat/mouse until someone gets bored or the victim begins to have self-realization.
When you are living with and being berated day in and day out by the love of your life, it is going to have long term consequences to the psyche. Having racing thoughts, low feelings of self-worth, no sense of self, blaming, feelings of hopelessness. These are all ways to bring the man down over many years of living with this person. It is not much different than with a female who is being abused.
The serial cheating is taking advantage of the marriage, the male partner; destroying their sexual sense of self. Not to mention putting the partner at risk for STDs, and don’t forget, the woman can get pregnant. It is one thing when the male narcissist is making another woman pregnant and she lives somewhere else. Another when the female narcissist gets pregnant and is living with their victim and bringing another man’s child into the mix. Both are not good family values and destroy trust and the sacredness of the vows that were spoken.
I wanted to shed light on this, as I begin to explore this topic further in my practice. It bears mentioning to give these men a voice and begin to look at the differences and similarities in what I am starting to see between narcissistic women and narcissistic men.
If you would like to be a part of a research study I am conducting on narcissistic abuse survivors, please email me at transformpsych @ outlook.com (spaces created to prevent spam, so don’t use them). I can send you the questionnaire and you can email back after filling out online. Thank you!
Yes, there are male survivors of narcissistic women and I am beginning to see them come to my office more and more these days. While the DSM -5 states that 50-75% of narcissists are men, that leaves those 25-50% who are women. And, think of the books written to address daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – they had to have fathers too.
A relationship does not need to be divided as a result of conflict. If both parties are committed to one another and believe they are on a team – and operate as a team, both will grow with conflict. The reason so many couples are divided is that trust has been broken and they are in a two party household.
If only one partner is talking and requesting support but the other is not listening – stonewalling, or criticizing, being contemptuous or defending themself, the talker will feel bitter over time. They will feel emotionally exhausted. “I have tried explaining, but he/she doesn’t listen.” They might say. When they come into my office, the “listener” becomes very defensive, “yes I did.” I know they didn’t otherwise they wouldn’t be there.
A Frequent Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love--Plus More . . . with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
Jeannine Vegh 