My client is reading the book “Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up’s Guide for Getting Over Narcissistic Parents,” by Dr. Nina W. Brown. As we were talking, they made a comment about their parent “Re-writing the story,” to make it fit with their narrative now. I loved the way it was stated and decided to write about this. It is so important to understand when you are the Adult Child of a Narcissistic Parent. Your parent is going to “remember” things way differently than you did. They will remember it the way it makes them feel comfortable AND, in a way where they don’t have to be held accountable for their actions.
An article I found from a fellow alumnus at John F. Kennedy University. Learning to listen to your body or your gut feelings. These hints often happen during the romantic delusion I have spoken about here on this website. Susanne has great points below and within this wonderful article, that you can click on to read further. The burnouts, she mentions, can be translated to cognitive dissonance while surviving a narcissist. Years (or even months) of excusing the narcissists behavior, losing your sense of self to the point where you don’t know who you are anymore – burnout. She talks about beginning to feel relief when you are setting boundaries, going into therapy and taking care of yourself – with a narcissist – when you leave the relationship or are able to find someway to survive in the relationship. Some partners feel they have no choice but to stay, and therein lies the dilemma of creating a way to keep your sanity by taking your power back. Click on the article below to read in its entirety and feel free to comment on your thoughts.
I love this image, though I would not say “normal narcissism,” I would say Ego. I don’t think we should use the same word to talk about being a healthy person. However, I think people need to see this and I am not as good with graphics.
Generally professionals are surprised when I teach them about the “priority” male or female in a narcissistic relationship. The priority is someone who takes precedence over the girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife. Not much is said about this relationship, but it is something I keyed in on after years of mentally tracking patterns I saw and then began writing about this.
Approximately 12 million people in the U.S. are living with PTSD, according to the most recent estimates from the Veterans Administration. While effective treatments exist, too many still aren’t getting the help they need and many individuals remain unaware or unsure about seeking care.
This month, help us spread the word: PTSD is treatable, and recovery is possible .Whether someone is a veteran or a civilian affected by traumatic events, evidence-based therapies can make a real difference and can lead to a better quality of life. (This above quote came from Star Behavioral Health a provider service and training center for psychotherapists who work with the military).
There are different types of treatment for PTSD. Some examples are Cognitive Processing Therapy, EMDR, and Prolonged Exposure. As a trained therapist in CPT for PTSD, I can personally attest to symptoms decreasing and clients having a better quality of life from this treatment. I actually log the scores, of all the cases I have worked with, on a spreadsheet and calculate the averages for each of the 12 sessions. For example: I currently show an average starting score, in session one as 54.8 and by session 12, the average final score is 13.35. The score needed to begin treatment is 30 for military and 35 for civilians on the PCL-5 (which is the test given for PTSD). In CPT, we give this test weekly to show evidence of symptoms.
What is important with any treatment is that you are ready to begin and committed to not backing out. Knowing it is going to a be a tough road ahead, but willing to do what it takes to heal from the trauma. If you have a desire to not live with this pain and not stay focused on medications solely, you can survive this – with treatment. Holistic treatment, or an alternative to medications.
Jules et Jim (et Catherine, et Albert). Notice who is in front and where everyone’s eyes are.
This movie is a story about to men in friendship with each other, pre-WWI. One is Austrian, the other French. They meet Catherine who is mentally unstable but a lot of fun to be around. There are a lot of female stereotypes that she does not conform too and because they are not therapists and in that time period didn’t know anything about personality disorders, they looked past her eccentricities. One will end up regretting this at the end of the film.
Aunt Jenny and Uncle Dick – Together 67 years, until his death and then she died two years later. Five Children. Two preceded them in death.
A good relationship isn’t hard to understand but it is hard work. It is difficult for those who have never been allowed to have a voice to suddenly speak without their throat collapsing. To be able to say “This is what I want,” without someone making them feel like a heel for even thinking about that need. To be able to set a boundary without hearing the word “No,” or just being ignored. It requires that you are brave and assert yourself. It also means that you don’t stay with the person if they are not respecting your requests or allowing you to have your needs met. A good relationship means that a person doesn’t run away when there is a crisis. They stick by you as the two of you see it through. A good relationship means that both people are committed to being on this team. You take responsibility for the bills being paid and understand that there is something required of you when the chips are down. When you have children you undertake this task together and don’t expect the other will do all the work. You realize that both of you are creating this new team member and the result of your actions will determine the future for this young soul.
Subscribe to his channel on Youtube to get Parts 1-5. I have been following Deepak since the 80’s and find his wisdom to be calming in the midst of a storm.
In speaking of Mother’s Day, some people prefer to read and are not really in to movies. I have a list here that I found on Goodreads that talks specifically on this topic through bios or novels. Some of the books, I am familiar with and will comment on.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride. This book comes up first on their list and is my number one choice for women wanting to learn more about what they have been through. One caveat is that her examples are more extreme stories, such as the movie I mentioned about August: Osage County yesterday. What this means is that you need to focus on the behaviors of the women in these stories. Your mother may not have been this extreme but how was her behavior similar but on a smaller scale. For example: In the movie August, I found that the fighting scene was a bit ridiculous and over the top. However, a client once said to me “No, this did happen between my mother and I.” How it could happen on a smaller scale would be that your mom and you got into a fight verbally, and you simply told her to “Fuck off” or other strong words and then when she threw a temper tantrum, you held your ground and did not empathize with this.
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown. This book comes in third on Goodreads list. I confess that I have yet to read it, but it is a client favorite that has been mentioned to me many times. It is my second book resource to make people aware of.
Mommie Dearest by Christina Crawford. The infamous story of Joan Crawford, written by her adopted daughter. This book I have not read, but saw the movie when it came out – on TV. Who doesn’t remember the “hangers,” for the expensive clothes? It makes sense naturally, but is that they way for a mother to handle it? Or the toys given to the children at Christmas and then promptly donated the next day? Children do not understand these things. It was terribly inappropriate and traumatic for a child.
Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel. I highly recommend that you DON’T read this book and watch the movie instead. Perhaps in Spanish it is an easier read, but in English, I did not enjoy it at all. I would not generally give this advice either. The movie was well acted and passionately played out. Watching the mother toward her daughters evoked so many feelings in me. When I read the book, I kept thinking “Was all the dialogue completely made up in the movie?” It was just not an interesting read and I put it down after one chapter and never picked it up again. The mother in this movie/novel, IS portraying what was socially acceptable at that time in Mexico, which is explained in the beginning of the movie, however, it could have been handled differently in a more healthier household. Oh, and I have seen this movie twice now, and I’d be happy to watch it again and again and again. It is really that good.
Anywhere But Here by Mona Simpson. This is also a movie, with Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon. I saw the movie, have not read the book. I found myself hating Susan Sarandon’s character so much so that I decided I hated the movie. I also was unsure if she was narcissistic or borderline, but I’d have to watch the movie again as I saw it when it came out. Naturally, it was well acted – in order for me to feel that strongly about the character.
Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy Behary. This book is not specifically written for mother’s who are narcissists. It is more for people in relationships with them in general. I have read this book and taken Wendy’s workshop for psychotherapists. She is a great writer and a good workshop speaker. I was told about this book by someone who I knew who went through a divorce and it helped her. That is why I recommend it to people for the same reason. However, the guidelines for communicating for a narcissist, would be the same for your mother.
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I had never thought about this book having a narcissistic mother, because I was too focused on Mr. Darcy! Yet, I do recall the mother being consumed with who her daughters would marry and how she goes about making these things happen. I am sure, there are plenty of Victorian novels, now that I think about it, where you could find just such a mother – due to the times. At least they had an excuse then! And, while I am on this topic, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, was my favorite novel as a young girl. This is about a narcissistic aunt who was cruel. It was about a horrible boarding school with narcissistic teachers and I horrible boss that she gets into a trauma bond with and then marries at the end!
You can find more of my videos on Youtube Make sure to Subscribe when you get there so you can be notified of when I make a new video. It is not often, so it won’t be a daily memo.
A Frequent Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love--Plus More . . . with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
Jeannine Vegh 