Marika and Jimmy, a happy Hungarian couple I grew up with. Married with two kids, until her death in the 80’s.
What does a good relationship look like? There is a really good book out called “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts” (1996) by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. This was one of the first books I read on looking at what works in a relationship and I read this prior to graduate school. I was seeking answers myself; curious how people make things happen. When I met a couple that seemed to have a good relationship, I would ask what made them so great. I always heard the good one’s say “communication,” as to why their relationship lasted as long as it did. What does this look like though? If you have grown up in a narcissistic household, where you have lost your sense of self – or in a relationship where you are broken down, it is confusing. I am not sure these really good relationship role models, I met, know the answer themselves. I think they just know this is the secret and it is what everyone says.
This Czech-Polish (2022 – Kanopy) movie could be seen as a modern day love relationship and it is billed as an erotic-drama. But, since it is so important to me that we watch movies consciously – and I use films for homework with my clients – so that we are more self-aware and do not go into a romantic delusion that this is healthy and fun. It is not. The director is very clear of this throughout the film showing us somatically that Petyr is not enjoying this and is being manipulated by his girlfriend Hanka. Here is my fantasy session with Petyr after he comes to see me at the end of the film.
I resonate with this video and wanted to share this as we go into “Happy” Mother’s Day. For those of you who are struggling at this time of the year, it is important to seek support from a psychotherapist who specializes in this topic. Learn about boundaries, building self-confidence, separating/detaching from the narcissist (this doesn’t mean you never speak to them again), find your sense of self, grow into the woman you want to be. For some people, they are unsure of who they want to be. Psychotherapy will help you to explore this answer as you work through the childhood wounds.
Lisa A. Romano can be found on her website and on Insight Timer. I have enjoyed listened to her videos on IT and found them to be very helpful and insightful. Please note that she is a Life Coach and not a psychotherapist.
If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, or a mother like Violet, you absolutely hate Mother’s Day. You were ripped off and didn’t get that kind, nurturing, loving, supportive parent that Hallmark believes you had. They don’t keep “giving, loving and being the best mother you could possibly be,” as one card would lead us to think. So, every woman who has grown up with a narcissistic mother will struggle to find a card, find a gift – that is good enough, or will try to resist altogether, in a passive/aggressive way – which you will pay for.
As we come into the time period of Mother’s and Father’s Day, I am including a piece that I wrote a few years ago about the topic of Narcissistic parent’s and what they do to your sense of self.
How does one lose their sense of self? This is a loaded question. With a child, it begins when you are more focused on your parent than yourself. You realize that their needs are more important than your own. You make decisions that they will like rather than what you want. You compromise your likes and wants and needs to make sure they are happy. It can come from not having boundaries growing up so that there is no space that is your own. One example is not allowing doors to be locked, even in the bathroom. Therefore, when a child is going through puberty any moment a person can walk through the door. This is frightening to hear but yet this has become a life they are accustomed to. You don’t know any different. Another example is a child who does not even have a room to sleep in and so there is no place to go and read or talk to your friends on the phone. Losing your sense of self can make a person feel like a robot; they are just there doing what they are told. As one person stated, it made them feel invisible from those around them.
Imagine getting a present for Christmas that you really, really love. You are so excited and happy. Then your parent says to you “I really couldn’t afford it, so you better be happy with it.” A normal child would feel guilty, sad, like they had taken something from their parent. Imagine that you want to be a ballet dancer but your mother puts you into tap and your sister into ballet. You strive to take the lessons to please your mother but ultimately you hate it and don’t want to do it. You go and tell your mother “I really want to do ballet.” Your mother says to you, “Well, you’re in tap now and you don’t even practice, so I am taking you out. You won’t do anything.” No one listens or when they do, it is followed up with criticism and punishment or blame. Over the years you begin to feel as if you are unsure of your identity. You don’t know where you begin and your parent ends.
When you grow up in this cocoon of living for others needs and wants, you might not be able to have likes and dislikes. You believe what your parent (s) believes; you think as they do. You want what they want. Your job is to make your parent happy. As an adolescent, you strive to find connections with friends or with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Sex might end up meaning love to you because it is a time when two people’s bodies are connected and nothing else exists. It can cause one to self-harm through cutting so they can feel alive. The idea behind feeling alive is because the person feels numb as if they don’t exist. When the razor hits the skin, they feel pain and suddenly they know they are really alive. It is like the saying “pinch me so that I know I am not dreaming.” Drugs and alcohol or even cigarettes can come into play here for teens as well. You might even see eating disorders (an attempt to feel in control). Anything a teen could get turned on to that makes them avoid being numb. People want to feel alive. Normal teenagers go through an identity crisis so if they are afraid to experiment with the “Who Am I?” because their parent discourages them having an identity, it is easy to get turned onto things that will make them feel less numb.
It is so hard to separate and individuate as an adult when you have grown up with a parent or parents with narcissistic traits. You are so enmeshed with them because your existence is dependent on them and they are dependent on you feeding them with the nurturance they need. A narcissist cannot be alone so they want you to take care of their needs. Someone has to fan the flames of the fire. Someone has to validate them and put them on a pedestal or be the one who takes the blame, so that they don’t have to. I have seen so many interesting things happen to clients because of a narcissistic parent. One person called the narcissist, when their child was in danger instead of calling 911. It can mean being unable to live on your own and thus we have people living in basements. Kids are living in their parent’s houses much longer than normal and more than what has been seen in the past. They have not been taught to be self-sufficient. It is one thing to call and ask for a recipe or how to fix a flat tire. It is another thing to be unable to exist without them and feeling as if you have to please them even from afar.
A child of the narcissist does not learn to differentiate from parent or separate and individuate – which means form their own ADULT identity. Many people take years to realize they are tied to the parent still and unable to let go. Self-Awareness does not come right away and when it does, it might trickle in. People don’t want to “disrespect” their parents or “dishonor” their father and mother. However, it is important to learn to set boundaries and then find a way to respect them without disrespecting yourself.
This came from choosingtherapy.com
I would like to add, to “piggy back” off of #3 above, don’t have expectations for your parents, knowing that they are not going to change. Don’t need their love and affection, knowing they don’t know how to give it. Detach from them emotionally. See them as a business relationship if this helps and talk to them like you would a professional. It will change your ability to see them differently.
This week has been a difficult and challenging week for me. I had to trust someone, an attorney, who luckily was able to help me get through one challenge. On another situation, an organization I belong to, decided to strip away my trust by changing their bylaws and not informing their members. I found out by reading about it in the Daily Wire. My local branch had changed their by-laws last year, I voted “No,” because it smelled fishy to me. The chapter regent beat around the bush when I declared my concerns to her after the meeting. She “would get back to me on it, after talking to some people higher up.” She never did. I resigned from the organization this past weekend, after reading this article and knowing that it was correct.
Who was Aurora Rodríguez Carballeira and what made her become the obsessed narcissistic mother of Hildegart? So little is known about this woman but much is known about Hildegart because of her writings. She was conceived sometime in 1914 and born at the end of the year on December 9th in Ferrol, Spain. She died 18 years later at the hands of her mother’s gun. In the meantime, she was the protégé of her mother, who held her emotionally and sometimes physically captive in their home where she was under the “protection” of her mother. We only have the Spanish movie “The Red Virgin,” to give us a glimpse of what the screenplay writer wants us to know and understand.
I love this video as it is important to look at both men and women who are abusers and victims who are both men and women.
In the past year, I have had many men come to see me who are, or have been in relationships with either Narcissists or Borderline women. I am so proud of them for being brave enough to come in and break the stigma that only women are being abused in the world. Emotional Abuse and Financial Abuse are some of the two top behaviors I see with women who are the Narcissists (or Borderlines). I am also beginning to learn about serial affairs from some of these women. There is trauma that occurs to a partner when an affair occurs, whether one or multiple. And, just as a side note, I see trauma to children when either mother or father cheats. It is not PTSD, but it is a type of trauma.
Then, I am seeing men who are either in short term situations with the narcissists or long term. The short term, no shock, is generally with an Instagram influencer type – several men have told me about these quick relationships. The short term Instagram Influencer is more about taking money from the guy, is very shallow, using emotional manipulation to get what they want. This impacts the male ego a little differently than a long term relationship or marriage with a narcissist. With the short term, there will be a discard and she will go on to the next guy. It is a game of chasing or cat/mouse until someone gets bored or the victim begins to have self-realization.
When you are living with and being berated day in and day out by the love of your life, it is going to have long term consequences to the psyche. Having racing thoughts, low feelings of self-worth, no sense of self, blaming, feelings of hopelessness. These are all ways to bring the man down over many years of living with this person. It is not much different than with a female who is being abused.
The serial cheating is taking advantage of the marriage, the male partner; destroying their sexual sense of self. Not to mention putting the partner at risk for STDs, and don’t forget, the woman can get pregnant. It is one thing when the male narcissist is making another woman pregnant and she lives somewhere else. Another when the female narcissist gets pregnant and is living with their victim and bringing another man’s child into the mix. Both are not good family values and destroy trust and the sacredness of the vows that were spoken.
I wanted to shed light on this, as I begin to explore this topic further in my practice. It bears mentioning to give these men a voice and begin to look at the differences and similarities in what I am starting to see between narcissistic women and narcissistic men.
If you would like to be a part of a research study I am conducting on narcissistic abuse survivors, please email me at transformpsych @ outlook.com (spaces created to prevent spam, so don’t use them). I can send you the questionnaire and you can email back after filling out online. Thank you!
A Frequent Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love--Plus More . . . with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
Jeannine Vegh 