Tag Archives: Survivor

Lucius – Go Home – I Don’t Need You Anyway

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When I first heard this song, it was a “wind down” from a spinning class. The teacher had eclectic tastes in music. I wasn’t quite sure what all the words were and when he told me the band I had never heard of them. From what little I did hear though, I knew I needed to hear it as soon as I got home. Little did I know, I was about to witness an amazing video that it is hard not to be captivated by.

The music and lyrics immediately pull you in and you definitely DON’T want to listen if you are having a bad day. Very depressing.

What I hear is the song of a woman in a relationship with a very controlling person. A little different then the obvious lyrics of Voices Carry by Til Tuesday. “I’m your dolly stuffed with extra baggage.” She came into this relationship as a very vulnerable person, who is at this point not even human. The cartoon doll in this video is poignant as it portrays the slow motion, the dragging of a person with major depressive disorder. What I especially like was the red yarn. I asked myself what this was symbolic of an intuitively, I received the answer “a web of lies.”

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Which Came First, Chicken/Egg – the Manipulation Trail by a Narcissist

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12weekrelationships.com

Remember as kid when you and your siblings would go down the “you started it,” trail? The emotional immaturity does not stop when you are in a relationship with a narcissist. You are in a relationship with them and want to hold them accountable to something and they immediately go on the defense with a “Well, you did this.” You get so focused on what they are saying, trying to please them, that you start forgetting what you wanted to have that conversation with them for in the first place. Sound familiar? Perhaps you need to keep reading.

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Relationships, Communication and Not Giving Up

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Healthy = Turning Toward vs. Toxic = Turning Away

A relationship is hard work but when two people are committed to each other equally then you have a better chance of surviving the long haul. Notice I said equally. If you are in a narcissistic relationship, you are probably the one making the choice to stay and are committed to the relationship yourself. The narcissist is committed but not making a “choice,” it is just a decision, nor are they working hard to make things work. Generally they might say “I am not the one with the problem, you are.” Ouch! That bites. This is a very arrogant statement too. Relationship is about two people not one. If one is hurting, the other should be concerned about this.

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Narcissists, Relationships and Cognitive Dissoance – By Sherry Gaba LCSW

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Excerpts from Psychology Today article, written by Sherry Gaba LCSW, on Narcissists, Relationships and Cognitive Dissonance:

Cognitive dissonance can occur in a range of different situations. Simply put, cognitive dissonance is having two very different thoughts or beliefs about something at the same time. It is very common in emotionally abusive situations and in relationships with narcissists.

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Survivor Stories – Catherine the Great: Empress of Russia

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Written by Carolly Erickson. Published 1994

Catherine the Great was the Empress of Russia for 34 years, 4 months and 8 days. I read the above referenced book (photo), written by Carolly Erickson many years ago. You may wonder why it is that I have chosen an Empress to include in my survivor stories category. This is because victims/survivors come in all shapes, sizes, and financial statuses. When I read this book, I could relate to her in so many ways. We had been married to a batterer, had a child (several for her) taken away from us and had to claw our way to the top. While Catherine may have been much more privileged than I could ever imagine, it was her story that gave me reason to feel inspired.

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Re-Writing the Story – How Narcissistic Parents Gaslight their Adult Children

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Taken from SunshineTherapeutics.com

My client is reading the book “Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up’s Guide for Getting Over Narcissistic Parents,” by Dr. Nina W. Brown. As we were talking, they made a comment about their parent “Re-writing the story,” to make it fit with their narrative now. I loved the way it was stated and decided to write about this. It is so important to understand when you are the Adult Child of a Narcissistic Parent. Your parent is going to “remember” things way differently than you did. They will remember it the way it makes them feel comfortable AND, in a way where they don’t have to be held accountable for their actions.

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I Can See Clearly Now – The Divorce is Over (or the relationship has ended)

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“I Can See Clearly Now”

I can see clearly now, the rain has gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day

I think I can make it now, the pain has gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day

Look all around, there’s nothing but blue sky
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue sky

I can see clearly now, the rain has gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone’re the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
Gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
Gonna be a bright, bright, bright sun-shining day

Written by Johnny Nash

When listening to the lyrics of this very famous song written by Johnny Nash, you feel a sense of hope after all the pain that you have been through. Women and men who are struggling in the courtroom, trying to divorce a narcissist – this can be a long and tedious journey costing tens of thousands of dollars and leaving the victim broke. However, once it is over, it is over. My clients talk with me about the sense of relief – he/she is gone. “I can sleep at night.” and “I am beginning to have a sense of where I want to go.” As he sings, “Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind,” from the trauma bond (cognitive dissonance), the attorneys who you are unsure are supporting you or not, the judges and GALs who collude with the narcissist (coercive control in the courtroom).

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Survivor Stories – What’s Love Got to Do With it?

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Tina Turner’s bio-movie in 1993, “What’s Love Got to Do With it,” starring Angela Bassett and Laurence Fishburne (as Ike Turner), was probably the first celebrity “coming out” about domestic violence. Tina, married Ike at a very young age of 23. She knew him for six years before this, though they were not a couple the whole time. At the time of their marriage, he had two sons, she had a son and they had a son together. Ike, turned out to be violently abusive, pushed drugs/alcohol on her and was a womanizer to boot. Tina actually tried to consider suicide at one point in the marriage. I think the movie really made people think about him as a person, but also made her a heroine.

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On the Mend – Foo Fighters

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One more day that I’ve survived
Another night alone
Pay no mind, I’m doing fine
I’m breathing on my own

I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend

Wake me when the hour arrives
Wake me with my name
See you somewhere down the line
We’re tethered once again

I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend

Was it you?
Sat alone
Here we go

Close your eyes and stay a while
To take me where you go
Single file we walk the mile
Who’s wandering back home

I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend

Was it you?
Sat alone

Here we go
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go

Written by: Dave Grohl, Taylor Hawkins, Nate Mendel, Chris Shiflett Album: In Your Honor Released: 2005

The first time I heard this song, I was in the middle of a trauma bond myself and felt very poorly. I felt that “on the mend,” spoke very much of a person who was trying to crawl out of a hole, and this could be from mental illness, sickness, grief, a normal break-up, or a trauma bond from a narcissist.

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PTSD Awareness Month

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Approximately 12 million people in the U.S. are living with PTSD, according to the most recent estimates from the Veterans Administration. While effective treatments exist, too many still aren’t getting the help they need and many individuals remain unaware or unsure about seeking care. 

This month, help us spread the word: PTSD is treatable, and recovery is possible .Whether someone is a veteran or a civilian affected by traumatic events, evidence-based therapies can make a real difference and can lead to a better quality of life.
(This above quote came from Star Behavioral Health a provider service and training center for psychotherapists who work with the military).
Photo taken from: https://www.northsegment.com/ptsd-awareness-month-the-rewarding-journey-of-healing-a-wounded-soul/

There are different types of treatment for PTSD. Some examples are Cognitive Processing Therapy, EMDR, and Prolonged Exposure. As a trained therapist in CPT for PTSD, I can personally attest to symptoms decreasing and clients having a better quality of life from this treatment. I actually log the scores, of all the cases I have worked with, on a spreadsheet and calculate the averages for each of the 12 sessions. For example: I currently show an average starting score, in session one as 54.8 and by session 12, the average final score is 13.35. The score needed to begin treatment is 30 for military and 35 for civilians on the PCL-5 (which is the test given for PTSD). In CPT, we give this test weekly to show evidence of symptoms.

What is important with any treatment is that you are ready to begin and committed to not backing out. Knowing it is going to a be a tough road ahead, but willing to do what it takes to heal from the trauma. If you have a desire to not live with this pain and not stay focused on medications solely, you can survive this – with treatment. Holistic treatment, or an alternative to medications.