It is really important to heal your wounds before speaking to others about psychology. This goes for psychotherapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and even laymen (or non-professionals). Why? Because there is still so much to learn. Because you don’t really understand yet what is going on. Because you have so much anger and are relaying only part of a very biased story. For professionals, it is easy to project your own pain onto others. It is easy to misunderstand because their story doesn’t fit yours.
You hear the term “narcissist” so frequently from others. As a psychotherapist, there are moments when you wonder if they both weren’t a bit egotistical. Over time you begin to piece it together, what really happened and who was what. Sometimes it is not narcissism. I have another blog post “When are they NOT a Narcissist?”
I bought this book to give to someone and kept another in my office to share with clients. It is actually a workbook and I think you will find it very helpful in preparing to take this next step. Safety tip, make sure to leave it at work or at a friend’s house, somewhere that this person will not find it and use it against you. Cognitive Dissonance – very important part of what keeps us in the relationship or makes it difficult post-separation. It is a combination of the trauma bond and the romantic delusion. But, you will have to read Dr. McAvoy’s book to learn more. A tip: I could only find this on Amazon, so this is the best place to begin.
Romantic Delusion is dissociation – brain fog – auto pilot. It is when we are seeing or hearing things from the narcissist but are excusing this in our minds. “If I love him…” or “He/She just needs someone who can…” We don’t pay attention to the red flags because we are dismissing them altogether. Until, it is too late.
The narcissist fears being inferior whereas the borderline fears being abandoned. It is a whole lot more than this, so listen to see what you think you are or have dealt with. Both are manipulative but in different ways. It is complex and exhausting but important to understand the difference.
I resonate with this video and wanted to share this as we go into “Happy” Mother’s Day. For those of you who are struggling at this time of the year, it is important to seek support from a psychotherapist who specializes in this topic. Learn about boundaries, building self-confidence, separating/detaching from the narcissist (this doesn’t mean you never speak to them again), find your sense of self, grow into the woman you want to be. For some people, they are unsure of who they want to be. Psychotherapy will help you to explore this answer as you work through the childhood wounds.
Lisa A. Romano can be found on her website and on Insight Timer. I have enjoyed listened to her videos on IT and found them to be very helpful and insightful. Please note that she is a Life Coach and not a psychotherapist.
If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, or a mother like Violet, you absolutely hate Mother’s Day. You were ripped off and didn’t get that kind, nurturing, loving, supportive parent that Hallmark believes you had. They don’t keep “giving, loving and being the best mother you could possibly be,” as one card would lead us to think. So, every woman who has grown up with a narcissistic mother will struggle to find a card, find a gift – that is good enough, or will try to resist altogether, in a passive/aggressive way – which you will pay for.
As we come into the time period of Mother’s and Father’s Day, I am including a piece that I wrote a few years ago about the topic of Narcissistic parent’s and what they do to your sense of self.
How does one lose their sense of self? This is a loaded question. With a child, it begins when you are more focused on your parent than yourself. You realize that their needs are more important than your own. You make decisions that they will like rather than what you want. You compromise your likes and wants and needs to make sure they are happy. It can come from not having boundaries growing up so that there is no space that is your own. One example is not allowing doors to be locked, even in the bathroom. Therefore, when a child is going through puberty any moment a person can walk through the door. This is frightening to hear but yet this has become a life they are accustomed to. You don’t know any different. Another example is a child who does not even have a room to sleep in and so there is no place to go and read or talk to your friends on the phone. Losing your sense of self can make a person feel like a robot; they are just there doing what they are told. As one person stated, it made them feel invisible from those around them.
Imagine getting a present for Christmas that you really, really love. You are so excited and happy. Then your parent says to you “I really couldn’t afford it, so you better be happy with it.” A normal child would feel guilty, sad, like they had taken something from their parent. Imagine that you want to be a ballet dancer but your mother puts you into tap and your sister into ballet. You strive to take the lessons to please your mother but ultimately you hate it and don’t want to do it. You go and tell your mother “I really want to do ballet.” Your mother says to you, “Well, you’re in tap now and you don’t even practice, so I am taking you out. You won’t do anything.” No one listens or when they do, it is followed up with criticism and punishment or blame. Over the years you begin to feel as if you are unsure of your identity. You don’t know where you begin and your parent ends.
When you grow up in this cocoon of living for others needs and wants, you might not be able to have likes and dislikes. You believe what your parent (s) believes; you think as they do. You want what they want. Your job is to make your parent happy. As an adolescent, you strive to find connections with friends or with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Sex might end up meaning love to you because it is a time when two people’s bodies are connected and nothing else exists. It can cause one to self-harm through cutting so they can feel alive. The idea behind feeling alive is because the person feels numb as if they don’t exist. When the razor hits the skin, they feel pain and suddenly they know they are really alive. It is like the saying “pinch me so that I know I am not dreaming.” Drugs and alcohol or even cigarettes can come into play here for teens as well. You might even see eating disorders (an attempt to feel in control). Anything a teen could get turned on to that makes them avoid being numb. People want to feel alive. Normal teenagers go through an identity crisis so if they are afraid to experiment with the “Who Am I?” because their parent discourages them having an identity, it is easy to get turned onto things that will make them feel less numb.
It is so hard to separate and individuate as an adult when you have grown up with a parent or parents with narcissistic traits. You are so enmeshed with them because your existence is dependent on them and they are dependent on you feeding them with the nurturance they need. A narcissist cannot be alone so they want you to take care of their needs. Someone has to fan the flames of the fire. Someone has to validate them and put them on a pedestal or be the one who takes the blame, so that they don’t have to. I have seen so many interesting things happen to clients because of a narcissistic parent. One person called the narcissist, when their child was in danger instead of calling 911. It can mean being unable to live on your own and thus we have people living in basements. Kids are living in their parent’s houses much longer than normal and more than what has been seen in the past. They have not been taught to be self-sufficient. It is one thing to call and ask for a recipe or how to fix a flat tire. It is another thing to be unable to exist without them and feeling as if you have to please them even from afar.
A child of the narcissist does not learn to differentiate from parent or separate and individuate – which means form their own ADULT identity. Many people take years to realize they are tied to the parent still and unable to let go. Self-Awareness does not come right away and when it does, it might trickle in. People don’t want to “disrespect” their parents or “dishonor” their father and mother. However, it is important to learn to set boundaries and then find a way to respect them without disrespecting yourself.
This came from choosingtherapy.com
I would like to add, to “piggy back” off of #3 above, don’t have expectations for your parents, knowing that they are not going to change. Don’t need their love and affection, knowing they don’t know how to give it. Detach from them emotionally. See them as a business relationship if this helps and talk to them like you would a professional. It will change your ability to see them differently.
Now here you go again You say you want your freedom Well who am I to keep you down? It’s only right that you should Play it the way you feel it But listen carefully to the sound Of your loneliness Like a heartbeat, drives you mad In the stillness of remembering what you had And what you lost And what you had And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it’s raining Players only love you when they’re playing Say, women, they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know
Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions I keep my visions to myself It’s only me Who wants to wrap around your dreams, and, Have you any dreams you’d like to sell? Dreams of loneliness, Like a heartbeat, drives you mad, In the stillness of remembering What you had, And what you lost, What you had, And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it’s raining Players only love you when they’re playing Say, women, they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know You will know, Oh, you’ll know
Written by: Stephanie Nicks Album: New Jersey 1983 Released: 1983
One day, while driving in the car and listening to the song, I heard that “Players only love you when they’re playing.” I went to my office and played the entire song again and understood the importance of this song to narcissism. Of course, I had heard this song 100 million times before, but like all good music, well, with me, I often listen to the beat – or the sadness – and not always the lyrics. Or, I hear them but don’t piece it together. Until you have been with a “player” the word doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot to you. You just don’t get it. When you have, the song suddenly takes on new meaning.
I think she wrote this song while in a trauma bond with someone that she loved very much and on the precipice of coming back to reality, she hit the revenge button and wrote of her anger toward this piece of shit that dumped her. Now he hears it every time it is sung on the radio. Does he roll his eyes, or take stock in himself?
How do I see this with men (and women who have more than the narcissist) who are survivors? They are robbed of all their money in court during a divorce.
With women, they are signing legal documents without reading – because they are being pushed into signing through on-going manipulation in the household. They have learned to just do whatever he says.
A Frequent Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love--Plus More . . . with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
Jeannine Vegh 