Which Came First, Chicken/Egg – the Manipulation Trail by a Narcissist

12weekrelationships.com

Remember as kid when you and your siblings would go down the “you started it,” trail? The emotional immaturity does not stop when you are in a relationship with a narcissist. You are in a relationship with them and want to hold them accountable to something and they immediately go on the defense with a “Well, you did this.” You get so focused on what they are saying, trying to please them, that you start forgetting what you wanted to have that conversation with them for in the first place. Sound familiar? Perhaps you need to keep reading.

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Relationships, Communication and Not Giving Up

Healthy = Turning Toward vs. Toxic = Turning Away

A relationship is hard work but when two people are committed to each other equally then you have a better chance of surviving the long haul. Notice I said equally. If you are in a narcissistic relationship, you are probably the one making the choice to stay and are committed to the relationship yourself. The narcissist is committed but not making a “choice,” it is just a decision, nor are they working hard to make things work. Generally they might say “I am not the one with the problem, you are.” Ouch! That bites. This is a very arrogant statement too. Relationship is about two people not one. If one is hurting, the other should be concerned about this.

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Invisible Gaslighting

As I was talking to a client the other day, they spoke of their shock and now a feeling of the “reality sinking in,” but still having no clue what happened, I kept thinking about how to explain this. I suddenly said that it felt like it was invisible, or stealth and seemed like gaslighting. Many people break-up with a partner, there is no clue at all, some thoughts but no idea about the “why.” The reality is the cognitive dissonance, remembering all the good times they had and then out of nowhere “the rug is pulled out from under them.”

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Narcissists, Relationships and Cognitive Dissoance – By Sherry Gaba LCSW

Excerpts from Psychology Today article, written by Sherry Gaba LCSW, on Narcissists, Relationships and Cognitive Dissonance:

Cognitive dissonance can occur in a range of different situations. Simply put, cognitive dissonance is having two very different thoughts or beliefs about something at the same time. It is very common in emotionally abusive situations and in relationships with narcissists.

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Survivor Stories – Catherine the Great: Empress of Russia

Written by Carolly Erickson. Published 1994

Catherine the Great was the Empress of Russia for 34 years, 4 months and 8 days. I read the above referenced book (photo), written by Carolly Erickson many years ago. You may wonder why it is that I have chosen an Empress to include in my survivor stories category. This is because victims/survivors come in all shapes, sizes, and financial statuses. When I read this book, I could relate to her in so many ways. We had been married to a batterer, had a child (several for her) taken away from us and had to claw our way to the top. While Catherine may have been much more privileged than I could ever imagine, it was her story that gave me reason to feel inspired.

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Re-Writing the Story – How Narcissistic Parents Gaslight their Adult Children

Taken from SunshineTherapeutics.com

My client is reading the book “Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up’s Guide for Getting Over Narcissistic Parents,” by Dr. Nina W. Brown. As we were talking, they made a comment about their parent “Re-writing the story,” to make it fit with their narrative now. I loved the way it was stated and decided to write about this. It is so important to understand when you are the Adult Child of a Narcissistic Parent. Your parent is going to “remember” things way differently than you did. They will remember it the way it makes them feel comfortable AND, in a way where they don’t have to be held accountable for their actions.

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I Can See Clearly Now – The Divorce is Over (or the relationship has ended)

“I Can See Clearly Now”

I can see clearly now, the rain has gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day

I think I can make it now, the pain has gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day

Look all around, there’s nothing but blue sky
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue sky

I can see clearly now, the rain has gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone’re the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
Gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
Gonna be a bright, bright, bright sun-shining day

Written by Johnny Nash

When listening to the lyrics of this very famous song written by Johnny Nash, you feel a sense of hope after all the pain that you have been through. Women and men who are struggling in the courtroom, trying to divorce a narcissist – this can be a long and tedious journey costing tens of thousands of dollars and leaving the victim broke. However, once it is over, it is over. My clients talk with me about the sense of relief – he/she is gone. “I can sleep at night.” and “I am beginning to have a sense of where I want to go.” As he sings, “Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind,” from the trauma bond (cognitive dissonance), the attorneys who you are unsure are supporting you or not, the judges and GALs who collude with the narcissist (coercive control in the courtroom).

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What do these Narcissistic terms REALLY Mean?

Found on Linked

It is so important to not use these terms, in general, unless you are a psychotherapist and know what you are talking about. We see them all over social media, we hear them in our daily life, but I can speak from experience in saying that when I hear these terms, the person is generally taking this out of context. I have articles on all or most of these terms (so far) on my webpage here. They are all mentioned one way or another in my posts. I am talking about them here to educate my readers but I am not posting and educating to make you a psychotherapist – unless you already are. Using these terms incorrectly can harm someone. It might deter someone from seeking counseling because they think they have it already figured out. Healing from the abuse you have suffered from a narcissistic parent, partner, or other person in your life is more than just understanding terms.

Survivor Stories – What’s Love Got to Do With it?

Tina Turner’s bio-movie in 1993, “What’s Love Got to Do With it,” starring Angela Bassett and Laurence Fishburne (as Ike Turner), was probably the first celebrity “coming out” about domestic violence. Tina, married Ike at a very young age of 23. She knew him for six years before this, though they were not a couple the whole time. At the time of their marriage, he had two sons, she had a son and they had a son together. Ike, turned out to be violently abusive, pushed drugs/alcohol on her and was a womanizer to boot. Tina actually tried to consider suicide at one point in the marriage. I think the movie really made people think about him as a person, but also made her a heroine.

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