I resonate with this video and wanted to share this as we go into “Happy” Mother’s Day. For those of you who are struggling at this time of the year, it is important to seek support from a psychotherapist who specializes in this topic. Learn about boundaries, building self-confidence, separating/detaching from the narcissist (this doesn’t mean you never speak to them again), find your sense of self, grow into the woman you want to be. For some people, they are unsure of who they want to be. Psychotherapy will help you to explore this answer as you work through the childhood wounds.
Lisa A. Romano can be found on her website and on Insight Timer. I have enjoyed listened to her videos on IT and found them to be very helpful and insightful. Please note that she is a Life Coach and not a psychotherapist.
In speaking of Mother’s Day, some people prefer to read and are not really in to movies. I have a list here that I found on Goodreads that talks specifically on this topic through bios or novels. Some of the books, I am familiar with and will comment on.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride. This book comes up first on their list and is my number one choice for women wanting to learn more about what they have been through. One caveat is that her examples are more extreme stories, such as the movie I mentioned about August: Osage County yesterday. What this means is that you need to focus on the behaviors of the women in these stories. Your mother may not have been this extreme but how was her behavior similar but on a smaller scale. For example: In the movie August, I found that the fighting scene was a bit ridiculous and over the top. However, a client once said to me “No, this did happen between my mother and I.” How it could happen on a smaller scale would be that your mom and you got into a fight verbally, and you simply told her to “Fuck off” or other strong words and then when she threw a temper tantrum, you held your ground and did not empathize with this.
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown. This book comes in third on Goodreads list. I confess that I have yet to read it, but it is a client favorite that has been mentioned to me many times. It is my second book resource to make people aware of.
Mommie Dearest by Christina Crawford. The infamous story of Joan Crawford, written by her adopted daughter. This book I have not read, but saw the movie when it came out – on TV. Who doesn’t remember the “hangers,” for the expensive clothes? It makes sense naturally, but is that they way for a mother to handle it? Or the toys given to the children at Christmas and then promptly donated the next day? Children do not understand these things. It was terribly inappropriate and traumatic for a child.
Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel. I highly recommend that you DON’T read this book and watch the movie instead. Perhaps in Spanish it is an easier read, but in English, I did not enjoy it at all. I would not generally give this advice either. The movie was well acted and passionately played out. Watching the mother toward her daughters evoked so many feelings in me. When I read the book, I kept thinking “Was all the dialogue completely made up in the movie?” It was just not an interesting read and I put it down after one chapter and never picked it up again. The mother in this movie/novel, IS portraying what was socially acceptable at that time in Mexico, which is explained in the beginning of the movie, however, it could have been handled differently in a more healthier household. Oh, and I have seen this movie twice now, and I’d be happy to watch it again and again and again. It is really that good.
Anywhere But Here by Mona Simpson. This is also a movie, with Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon. I saw the movie, have not read the book. I found myself hating Susan Sarandon’s character so much so that I decided I hated the movie. I also was unsure if she was narcissistic or borderline, but I’d have to watch the movie again as I saw it when it came out. Naturally, it was well acted – in order for me to feel that strongly about the character.
Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy Behary. This book is not specifically written for mother’s who are narcissists. It is more for people in relationships with them in general. I have read this book and taken Wendy’s workshop for psychotherapists. She is a great writer and a good workshop speaker. I was told about this book by someone who I knew who went through a divorce and it helped her. That is why I recommend it to people for the same reason. However, the guidelines for communicating for a narcissist, would be the same for your mother.
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I had never thought about this book having a narcissistic mother, because I was too focused on Mr. Darcy! Yet, I do recall the mother being consumed with who her daughters would marry and how she goes about making these things happen. I am sure, there are plenty of Victorian novels, now that I think about it, where you could find just such a mother – due to the times. At least they had an excuse then! And, while I am on this topic, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, was my favorite novel as a young girl. This is about a narcissistic aunt who was cruel. It was about a horrible boarding school with narcissistic teachers and I horrible boss that she gets into a trauma bond with and then marries at the end!
If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, or a mother like Violet, you absolutely hate Mother’s Day. You were ripped off and didn’t get that kind, nurturing, loving, supportive parent that Hallmark believes you had. They don’t keep “giving, loving and being the best mother you could possibly be,” as one card would lead us to think. So, every woman who has grown up with a narcissistic mother will struggle to find a card, find a gift – that is good enough, or will try to resist altogether, in a passive/aggressive way – which you will pay for.
As we come into the time period of Mother’s and Father’s Day, I am including a piece that I wrote a few years ago about the topic of Narcissistic parent’s and what they do to your sense of self.
How does one lose their sense of self? This is a loaded question. With a child, it begins when you are more focused on your parent than yourself. You realize that their needs are more important than your own. You make decisions that they will like rather than what you want. You compromise your likes and wants and needs to make sure they are happy. It can come from not having boundaries growing up so that there is no space that is your own. One example is not allowing doors to be locked, even in the bathroom. Therefore, when a child is going through puberty any moment a person can walk through the door. This is frightening to hear but yet this has become a life they are accustomed to. You don’t know any different. Another example is a child who does not even have a room to sleep in and so there is no place to go and read or talk to your friends on the phone. Losing your sense of self can make a person feel like a robot; they are just there doing what they are told. As one person stated, it made them feel invisible from those around them.
Imagine getting a present for Christmas that you really, really love. You are so excited and happy. Then your parent says to you “I really couldn’t afford it, so you better be happy with it.” A normal child would feel guilty, sad, like they had taken something from their parent. Imagine that you want to be a ballet dancer but your mother puts you into tap and your sister into ballet. You strive to take the lessons to please your mother but ultimately you hate it and don’t want to do it. You go and tell your mother “I really want to do ballet.” Your mother says to you, “Well, you’re in tap now and you don’t even practice, so I am taking you out. You won’t do anything.” No one listens or when they do, it is followed up with criticism and punishment or blame. Over the years you begin to feel as if you are unsure of your identity. You don’t know where you begin and your parent ends.
When you grow up in this cocoon of living for others needs and wants, you might not be able to have likes and dislikes. You believe what your parent (s) believes; you think as they do. You want what they want. Your job is to make your parent happy. As an adolescent, you strive to find connections with friends or with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Sex might end up meaning love to you because it is a time when two people’s bodies are connected and nothing else exists. It can cause one to self-harm through cutting so they can feel alive. The idea behind feeling alive is because the person feels numb as if they don’t exist. When the razor hits the skin, they feel pain and suddenly they know they are really alive. It is like the saying “pinch me so that I know I am not dreaming.” Drugs and alcohol or even cigarettes can come into play here for teens as well. You might even see eating disorders (an attempt to feel in control). Anything a teen could get turned on to that makes them avoid being numb. People want to feel alive. Normal teenagers go through an identity crisis so if they are afraid to experiment with the “Who Am I?” because their parent discourages them having an identity, it is easy to get turned onto things that will make them feel less numb.
It is so hard to separate and individuate as an adult when you have grown up with a parent or parents with narcissistic traits. You are so enmeshed with them because your existence is dependent on them and they are dependent on you feeding them with the nurturance they need. A narcissist cannot be alone so they want you to take care of their needs. Someone has to fan the flames of the fire. Someone has to validate them and put them on a pedestal or be the one who takes the blame, so that they don’t have to. I have seen so many interesting things happen to clients because of a narcissistic parent. One person called the narcissist, when their child was in danger instead of calling 911. It can mean being unable to live on your own and thus we have people living in basements. Kids are living in their parent’s houses much longer than normal and more than what has been seen in the past. They have not been taught to be self-sufficient. It is one thing to call and ask for a recipe or how to fix a flat tire. It is another thing to be unable to exist without them and feeling as if you have to please them even from afar.
A child of the narcissist does not learn to differentiate from parent or separate and individuate – which means form their own ADULT identity. Many people take years to realize they are tied to the parent still and unable to let go. Self-Awareness does not come right away and when it does, it might trickle in. People don’t want to “disrespect” their parents or “dishonor” their father and mother. However, it is important to learn to set boundaries and then find a way to respect them without disrespecting yourself.
This came from choosingtherapy.com
I would like to add, to “piggy back” off of #3 above, don’t have expectations for your parents, knowing that they are not going to change. Don’t need their love and affection, knowing they don’t know how to give it. Detach from them emotionally. See them as a business relationship if this helps and talk to them like you would a professional. It will change your ability to see them differently.
Now here you go again You say you want your freedom Well who am I to keep you down? It’s only right that you should Play it the way you feel it But listen carefully to the sound Of your loneliness Like a heartbeat, drives you mad In the stillness of remembering what you had And what you lost And what you had And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it’s raining Players only love you when they’re playing Say, women, they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know
Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions I keep my visions to myself It’s only me Who wants to wrap around your dreams, and, Have you any dreams you’d like to sell? Dreams of loneliness, Like a heartbeat, drives you mad, In the stillness of remembering What you had, And what you lost, What you had, And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it’s raining Players only love you when they’re playing Say, women, they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know You will know, Oh, you’ll know
Written by: Stephanie Nicks Album: New Jersey 1983 Released: 1983
One day, while driving in the car and listening to the song, I heard that “Players only love you when they’re playing.” I went to my office and played the entire song again and understood the importance of this song to narcissism. Of course, I had heard this song 100 million times before, but like all good music, well, with me, I often listen to the beat – or the sadness – and not always the lyrics. Or, I hear them but don’t piece it together. Until you have been with a “player” the word doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot to you. You just don’t get it. When you have, the song suddenly takes on new meaning.
I think she wrote this song while in a trauma bond with someone that she loved very much and on the precipice of coming back to reality, she hit the revenge button and wrote of her anger toward this piece of shit that dumped her. Now he hears it every time it is sung on the radio. Does he roll his eyes, or take stock in himself?
I enjoy listening to Dr. Gabor Maté’s advice on life, his life, what he has been through to get to this place of experiential knowledge. I use this video in my course for therapists to discuss the topic of people pleasing. I hope you will enjoy it.
How do I see this with men (and women who have more than the narcissist) who are survivors? They are robbed of all their money in court during a divorce.
With women, they are signing legal documents without reading – because they are being pushed into signing through on-going manipulation in the household. They have learned to just do whatever he says.
All survivors will have experienced some trauma symptoms during or after the pathological love relationship (PLR/Pathological Love Relationship = her terms for having a narcissistic abuse partner)
37% have high ACE scores related to adverse childhoods; their trauma usually falls between moderate PTSD-c-PTSD ++ and higher. These survivors may have the history most associated with codependency. (I have not seen PTSD with the majority of my survivors, except when they meet Criteria A, in the DSM 5, measured with testing, and this is generally when they are with an Anti-Social PD, not a NPD ).
63% have low ACE scores and many did not have adverse childhoods. Their trauma was created in the pathological love relationship and usually falls between mild/moderate PTSD. These survivors have the history most associated with super traits of personality (super traits explained in her training).
All survivors have atypical trauma related to the effect of cognitive dissonance on their trauma. (This is what I am seeing).
Most of the time I am working with the 37% and I would say this is 99% of my survivor population. My thoughts are that if I were going to conduct research, I would want to strictly focus on survivors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think this will show some interesting nuances. Sandra L. Brown has written a number of books, that you can find on the internet. If you are a therapist reading this, her workshop is on PESI. This study is referenced on my Resource page above. Please note, this study focused solely on women who were survivors.
Above is the video of this song, below are my translations as to what I believe the words mean when I look at them in the context of a narcissist. Not sure if this is what he was thinking, but I suspect it could be. I feel like this song is his way of telling us how he redirected himself in the process of moving forward after a narcissist. Take a look and see:
Now and then I think of when we were together,
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die,
Told myself that you were right for me, (Love Bombing)
But felt so lonely in your company, (Trauma Bond)
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember.
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness,
Like resignation to the end, (Trauma Bond)
Always the end,
So when we found that we could not make sense,
Well you said that we would still be friends,
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over. (Self-Realization – Healthy Detachment)
But you didn’t have to cut me off, (Discard)
Make out like it never happened,
And that now we’re nothing,
And I don’t even need your love, (Trauma Bond)
But you treat me like a stranger,
And that feels so rough,
No you didn’t have to stoop so low,
Have your friends collect your records, (Discard)
And then change your number, (Discard)
I guess that I don’t need that though,
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know, (Healthy detaching process)
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done (Gaslighting)
And I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say (Romantic Delusion)
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know…
A Frequent Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love--Plus More . . . with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
Jeannine Vegh 