You hear the term “narcissist” so frequently from others. As a psychotherapist, there are moments when you wonder if they both weren’t a bit egotistical. Over time you begin to piece it together, what really happened and who was what. Sometimes it is not narcissism. I have another blog post “When are they NOT a Narcissist?”
I bought this book to give to someone and kept another in my office to share with clients. It is actually a workbook and I think you will find it very helpful in preparing to take this next step. Safety tip, make sure to leave it at work or at a friend’s house, somewhere that this person will not find it and use it against you. Cognitive Dissonance – very important part of what keeps us in the relationship or makes it difficult post-separation. It is a combination of the trauma bond and the romantic delusion. But, you will have to read Dr. McAvoy’s book to learn more. A tip: I could only find this on Amazon, so this is the best place to begin.
Romantic Delusion is dissociation – brain fog – auto pilot. It is when we are seeing or hearing things from the narcissist but are excusing this in our minds. “If I love him…” or “He/She just needs someone who can…” We don’t pay attention to the red flags because we are dismissing them altogether. Until, it is too late.
The narcissist fears being inferior whereas the borderline fears being abandoned. It is a whole lot more than this, so listen to see what you think you are or have dealt with. Both are manipulative but in different ways. It is complex and exhausting but important to understand the difference.
This video is part of my workshop on Udemy. It is from a professional workshop given by Ira Progoff, who was a Jungian trained psychotherapist. I hope you will enjoy this.
I resonate with this video and wanted to share this as we go into “Happy” Mother’s Day. For those of you who are struggling at this time of the year, it is important to seek support from a psychotherapist who specializes in this topic. Learn about boundaries, building self-confidence, separating/detaching from the narcissist (this doesn’t mean you never speak to them again), find your sense of self, grow into the woman you want to be. For some people, they are unsure of who they want to be. Psychotherapy will help you to explore this answer as you work through the childhood wounds.
Lisa A. Romano can be found on her website and on Insight Timer. I have enjoyed listened to her videos on IT and found them to be very helpful and insightful. Please note that she is a Life Coach and not a psychotherapist.
In speaking of Mother’s Day, some people prefer to read and are not really in to movies. I have a list here that I found on Goodreads that talks specifically on this topic through bios or novels. Some of the books, I am familiar with and will comment on.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride. This book comes up first on their list and is my number one choice for women wanting to learn more about what they have been through. One caveat is that her examples are more extreme stories, such as the movie I mentioned about August: Osage County yesterday. What this means is that you need to focus on the behaviors of the women in these stories. Your mother may not have been this extreme but how was her behavior similar but on a smaller scale. For example: In the movie August, I found that the fighting scene was a bit ridiculous and over the top. However, a client once said to me “No, this did happen between my mother and I.” How it could happen on a smaller scale would be that your mom and you got into a fight verbally, and you simply told her to “Fuck off” or other strong words and then when she threw a temper tantrum, you held your ground and did not empathize with this.
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown. This book comes in third on Goodreads list. I confess that I have yet to read it, but it is a client favorite that has been mentioned to me many times. It is my second book resource to make people aware of.
Mommie Dearest by Christina Crawford. The infamous story of Joan Crawford, written by her adopted daughter. This book I have not read, but saw the movie when it came out – on TV. Who doesn’t remember the “hangers,” for the expensive clothes? It makes sense naturally, but is that they way for a mother to handle it? Or the toys given to the children at Christmas and then promptly donated the next day? Children do not understand these things. It was terribly inappropriate and traumatic for a child.
Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel. I highly recommend that you DON’T read this book and watch the movie instead. Perhaps in Spanish it is an easier read, but in English, I did not enjoy it at all. I would not generally give this advice either. The movie was well acted and passionately played out. Watching the mother toward her daughters evoked so many feelings in me. When I read the book, I kept thinking “Was all the dialogue completely made up in the movie?” It was just not an interesting read and I put it down after one chapter and never picked it up again. The mother in this movie/novel, IS portraying what was socially acceptable at that time in Mexico, which is explained in the beginning of the movie, however, it could have been handled differently in a more healthier household. Oh, and I have seen this movie twice now, and I’d be happy to watch it again and again and again. It is really that good.
Anywhere But Here by Mona Simpson. This is also a movie, with Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon. I saw the movie, have not read the book. I found myself hating Susan Sarandon’s character so much so that I decided I hated the movie. I also was unsure if she was narcissistic or borderline, but I’d have to watch the movie again as I saw it when it came out. Naturally, it was well acted – in order for me to feel that strongly about the character.
Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy Behary. This book is not specifically written for mother’s who are narcissists. It is more for people in relationships with them in general. I have read this book and taken Wendy’s workshop for psychotherapists. She is a great writer and a good workshop speaker. I was told about this book by someone who I knew who went through a divorce and it helped her. That is why I recommend it to people for the same reason. However, the guidelines for communicating for a narcissist, would be the same for your mother.
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I had never thought about this book having a narcissistic mother, because I was too focused on Mr. Darcy! Yet, I do recall the mother being consumed with who her daughters would marry and how she goes about making these things happen. I am sure, there are plenty of Victorian novels, now that I think about it, where you could find just such a mother – due to the times. At least they had an excuse then! And, while I am on this topic, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë, was my favorite novel as a young girl. This is about a narcissistic aunt who was cruel. It was about a horrible boarding school with narcissistic teachers and I horrible boss that she gets into a trauma bond with and then marries at the end!
If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, or a mother like Violet, you absolutely hate Mother’s Day. You were ripped off and didn’t get that kind, nurturing, loving, supportive parent that Hallmark believes you had. They don’t keep “giving, loving and being the best mother you could possibly be,” as one card would lead us to think. So, every woman who has grown up with a narcissistic mother will struggle to find a card, find a gift – that is good enough, or will try to resist altogether, in a passive/aggressive way – which you will pay for.
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She abandoned him in an airport.
A cold muggy day, she thinks but she can’t really recall.
Afterward she ate strawberries because they were staring back at her like a child.
Emotionless and tired yet a weight lifted from her shoulders.
She hadn’t been a good mother, now that she was all alone.
Though she wasn’t alone now, he wasn’t really there either.
Decisions weren’t a choice she was good at, at that time.
He was selfish and didn’t want to support her, since the other one had gone away.
Everyone had told her what to do and she couldn’t seem to think straight.
All the ways she had felt were right, ended up being wrong.
She had sliced her wrists to keep him there and then they had run away but got caught.
Each direction she faced always pushed her back to the end.
When he came into this world, she felt she could wish him to success.
She whispered great words into his ears, practicing majick before she knew how.
But the Gods had other plans and she was not smart enough for them.
They had pushed her to the limits and she had no more strength to climb.
Homeless she was taken in. It seemed like forever. Nothing ever is.
It will only be a few weeks she told herself, I will get back on my feet and this will all be over.
A few weeks went to a few years and the games they did play.
The pawn was the target of manipulating her back this way.
Her heart had broken and her soul was sold a million times or more. It seemed.
Never could she ever get back the moment that was stolen.
She prayed and dreamed and planned and schemed but the plans were made long ago, before she was even born.
Nothing ever seemed to be hers, even that which she had brought into this world.
Life is precious except when it is taken and then it is as if it never happened.
For a mother to lose her only child and never have it replaced.
Especially one that is paraded around and taught to hate you.
And grows up in another world and looks like someone else.
Once a sweet dream that seemed like you had finally done something right.
Now was an absent child, one you don’t remember even when you see him.
Always looking for the little boy you said goodbye to at the gate.
Always waiting for the doors to re-open and the nightmare to close with a happy ending.
Nothing is forever, there are only faint moments in time.
Those ones that change your life and give you hope.
The times that make you think that now it will be different.
And then he is taken from your arms.
And when he returns he is another woman’s child.
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