Gaslight Scene which Captures Gaslighting Best

This particular scene works best in understanding what “gaslighting” is. It also shows the moves of a pathological liar in motion. When watching this, pay particular attention to when she says “the letter.” See how Gregory stops in motion, is thinking, then turns around and stumbles with his words ever so slightly before conjuring up the lie that she never had the letter in the first place. When Paula uses the terms “insane” she is letting us all know that this is what it feels like when someone is gaslighting you. Although she says “Are you trying to tell me I am insane.” This is an educated woman trying to make sense of her reality. This is the difference between a lie an gaslighting.

At the end, a discussion is had about why “he” can’t let her go out in public. This would have been the worst thing that could happen to a society woman in her time period. She would become speculation for gossip and rumors, which we see in this movie when the two maids are talking outside the house (this is not on this clip). In today’s day and age, if a celebrity couple is captured in a photo (alone or together), perhaps in a bad mood, bad hair day, poor choice of clothing, this is the modern way of “going out in public” and gossip and rumors run havoc in the tabloids.

Dial M for Murder – A Very Very Prepared Psychopath

Ray Milland plays Tony Wendice (prn. When-dess), in the 1954 Hitchcock film “Dial M For Murder.” He is a cold, calculating, psychopath, who has elegantly and cleverly set up Anthony Dawson’s character Charles Swann to kill his wife for her money. This is a familiar storyline from the movies Temptation, Double Indemnity, The Postman Rings Twice, to name a few.

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Manipulation and Gaslighting

Found on LinkedIn post

Manipulation leads to gaslighting or is a part of gaslighting. However, manipulation can stand alone and can be defensiveness – someone doesn’t want to take responsibility. It does not have to end up in a gaslighting scenario. With both, someone may start out focused on your reaction but they can also spin it into causing you to question your sanity. Did this really happen? Two scenarios:

Manipulation – Guy: Oh, so it sounds like you have a lot of grievances. Gal: Yes, I do in fact I have some issues to discuss with you and I wish you would listen. Guy: I don’t like the tone of your voice. You are very manipulative. (When this happens, the person is turning the scenario around and blaming the communicator so that she will not try to hold him accountable. It can confuse a person).

Gaslighting: Let’s look at a clip from the movie. Watch how Gregory suddenly turns the tables when Paula brings up a letter he (visually) does not seem to remember. He has Paula questioning her sanity, bringing into play her own mother’s history. He doubles down at the end by saying, this is why he doesn’t want to take her into public. Back then, not being sociable in public, for a wealthy woman, would give rise to scandal and gossip. The woman’s whole life depended on being social and attending galas, the theater and the opera. It would be horrible for a woman of her class. She would be looked down on.

Flying Monkeys – Priority Female or Male in the Narcissists Life

When I typed in this term on Duck Duck Go, the Search Assist told me this: “Flying monkeys refer to individuals who enable or assist a narcissist in their manipulative behaviors, often without realizing the harm they are causing. They may spread gossip, act as spies, or defend the narcissist, typically due to manipulation or a desire to please.” What I had already seen as a pattern in narcissistic relationships was a person that I termed “The Priority Female,” and now realize there are Priority Male’s as well. What does this look like?

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Trauma and Healing

Guiding a Healing Revolution with Natalia Rachel – found on LinkedIn

Trauma Bond comes from going down that path of being love bombed. Trauma can come from being frightened or manipulated or gaslighted or abuse (sexual, emotional, physical, mental) or witnessing.

Healing is about surviving the trauma. It is about standing up for yourself. About having personal integrity or agency. It is about having an awakening and realizing you have to look out for yourself.

This is a phrase I read in my World Religions class and have never forgotten it.

Invisible Gaslighting

As I was talking to a client the other day, they spoke of their shock and now a feeling of the “reality sinking in,” but still having no clue what happened, I kept thinking about how to explain this. I suddenly said that it felt like it was invisible, or stealth and seemed like gaslighting. Many people break-up with a partner, there is no clue at all, some thoughts but no idea about the “why.” The reality is the cognitive dissonance, remembering all the good times they had and then out of nowhere “the rug is pulled out from under them.”

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What do these Narcissistic terms REALLY Mean?

Found on Linked

It is so important to not use these terms, in general, unless you are a psychotherapist and know what you are talking about. We see them all over social media, we hear them in our daily life, but I can speak from experience in saying that when I hear these terms, the person is generally taking this out of context. I have articles on all or most of these terms (so far) on my webpage here. They are all mentioned one way or another in my posts. I am talking about them here to educate my readers but I am not posting and educating to make you a psychotherapist – unless you already are. Using these terms incorrectly can harm someone. It might deter someone from seeking counseling because they think they have it already figured out. Healing from the abuse you have suffered from a narcissistic parent, partner, or other person in your life is more than just understanding terms.

Somebody that I Used to Know – Gotye

Above is the video of this song, below are my translations as to what I believe the words mean when I look at them in the context of a narcissist. Not sure if this is what he was thinking, but I suspect it could be. I feel like this song is his way of telling us how he redirected himself in the process of moving forward after a narcissist. Take a look and see:

Now and then I think of when we were together,

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die,

Told myself that you were right for me, (Love Bombing)

But felt so lonely in your company, (Trauma Bond)

But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness,

Like resignation to the end, (Trauma  Bond)

Always the end,

So when we found that we could not make sense,

Well you said that we would still be friends,

But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over. (Self-Realization – Healthy Detachment)

But you didn’t have to cut me off, (Discard)

Make out like it never happened,

And that now we’re nothing,

And I don’t even need your love, (Trauma Bond)

But you treat me like a stranger,

And that feels so rough,

No you didn’t have to stoop so low,

Have your friends collect your records, (Discard)

And then change your number, (Discard)

I guess that I don’t need that though,

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know, (Healthy detaching process)

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I’d done (Gaslighting)

And I don’t wanna live that way

Reading into every word you say (Romantic Delusion)

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know…

Crying Doesn’t Fix the Pain – But it Helps in the Healing Process

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Leo Tolstoy – Anna Karenina

As a Child of a Narcissist, when you cry it doesn’t fix the pain – they don’t get better. You are still trapped in a home with two parents who are emotionally immature, damaged, wounded and are so detached from their own pain and have no self-awareness. Without self-awareness, from a parent, you are stuck with them. As Is. I cried growing up, all the time. I cried because I felt unloved, unwanted, that no one would listen to me. I felt like a robot living my mom’s life, behaving like my dad wanted. I didn’t know who I was. After I met the guy who would later become my husband and faced his abuse and detachment, I began to cut. This was before it was a “trend” something you read about on social media. I didn’t even know this was a “thing.” I just scratched and scratched until blood came out. I wore long sleeves so no one would see what I was doing. Meanwhile, if I cried, I would hear “Why are you crying? You have no reason to cry” from my mom. Or my dad, when punishing us would say “If you cry, I will whip you more. Toughen up.” They saw my arms and said, “What did you do to yourself?” I can’t recall the excuse I made up. Maybe they said I was crazy.

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Narcissists at the Movies

Movies are my favorite tool for helping a client to understand what I am talking about. All of the films below show a relationship with a NPD, in different ways. Some of the films below are shown in the Marquee above.

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