People Pleasing with Dr. Gabor Maté

I enjoy listening to Dr. Gabor Maté’s advice on life, his life, what he has been through to get to this place of experiential knowledge. I use this video in my course for therapists to discuss the topic of people pleasing. I hope you will enjoy it.

What does Financial Abuse look like?

How do I see this with men (and women who have more than the narcissist) who are survivors? They are robbed of all their money in court during a divorce.

With women, they are signing legal documents without reading – because they are being pushed into signing through on-going manipulation in the household. They have learned to just do whatever he says.

Statistics based on Research from Sandra L. Brown

Survivor Profile

© 2014 The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction (from Sandra L. Brown’s training)

  • All survivors will have experienced some trauma symptoms during or after the pathological love relationship (PLR/Pathological Love Relationship = her terms for having a narcissistic abuse partner)
  • 37% have high ACE scores related to adverse childhoods; their trauma usually falls between moderate PTSD-c-PTSD ++ and higher. These survivors may have the history most associated with codependency. (I have not seen PTSD with the majority of my survivors, except when they meet Criteria A, in the DSM 5, measured with testing, and this is generally when they are with an Anti-Social PD, not a NPD ).
  • 63% have low ACE scores and many did not have adverse childhoods. Their trauma was created in the pathological love relationship and usually falls between mild/moderate PTSD. These survivors have the history most associated with super traits of personality (super traits explained in her training).
  • All survivors have atypical trauma related to the effect of cognitive dissonance on their trauma. (This is what I am seeing).

Most of the time I am working with the 37% and I would say this is 99% of my survivor population. My thoughts are that if I were going to conduct research, I would want to strictly focus on survivors of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think this will show some interesting nuances. Sandra L. Brown has written a number of books, that you can find on the internet. If you are a therapist reading this, her workshop is on PESI. This study is referenced on my Resource page above. Please note, this study focused solely on women who were survivors.

Somebody that I Used to Know – Gotye

Above is the video of this song, below are my translations as to what I believe the words mean when I look at them in the context of a narcissist. Not sure if this is what he was thinking, but I suspect it could be. I feel like this song is his way of telling us how he redirected himself in the process of moving forward after a narcissist. Take a look and see:

Now and then I think of when we were together,

Like when you said you felt so happy you could die,

Told myself that you were right for me, (Love Bombing)

But felt so lonely in your company, (Trauma Bond)

But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness,

Like resignation to the end, (Trauma  Bond)

Always the end,

So when we found that we could not make sense,

Well you said that we would still be friends,

But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over. (Self-Realization – Healthy Detachment)

But you didn’t have to cut me off, (Discard)

Make out like it never happened,

And that now we’re nothing,

And I don’t even need your love, (Trauma Bond)

But you treat me like a stranger,

And that feels so rough,

No you didn’t have to stoop so low,

Have your friends collect your records, (Discard)

And then change your number, (Discard)

I guess that I don’t need that though,

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know, (Healthy detaching process)

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I’d done (Gaslighting)

And I don’t wanna live that way

Reading into every word you say (Romantic Delusion)

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know…

Meditation 101: A Beginner’s Guide by Dan Harris

This is the best video I have ever seen on how to do meditation. It is also what I prescribe to my clients, especially to those with anxiety. I tell them this is the best medication for Anxiety. Why, because if you are doing these 5-10 minutes a day, you will be more in touch with your intuitive voice, will be more relaxed and comforted during the day. Less stress, more in touch with your higher power, more energy and feel more loved – by yourself. It helped me to get over one of my fears. It has made me a stronger person. Oh, and btw, it has no side effects!

The Child of the Narcissist

Me at 17 – 1979/80

I had recently turned 17 when my boyfriend proposed to me – which was nothing more than asking me in bed one day if I would marry him. We went and got a ring, and my mom raced me down to Lazarus to their Bridal Department. It was a beautiful day, probably one of the best memories I have with my mom, as a teen. I put the gown on, one that I had fantasized about from all the wedding magazines. I was on a dais, looking at myself in a three-fold mirror and felt like I was on top of the world. Intuitively, even though I didn’t understand what this word meant back then, I knew I would never wear the dress.

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Coercive Control by a Parent in the Courtroom

This is an issue that is often unrecognized in courtrooms due to a lack of training and knowledge of this topic. This is a good video and a great discussion between three professional women who highlight different cases they are aware of.

As an ex-CPS worker I can say that emotional abuse, manipulation, this is very difficult to see – which they talk about above. This is rarely a reason to remove a child.

What I will also add is that men can sometimes be a victim of coercive control as well. I have listened to many stories of how women and turned a situation around to their advantage and the man walks away penniless or alienated from his children.

Dr. Christine Cocchiola. Take a look at her website to learn more about her training/coaching for professionals and clients.

If you get a chance and can find the documentary Divorce Corp. It is very telling to hear about how finances play a role in lengthening this process – when people have it and even when they don’t.

Narcissists at the Movies

Movies are my favorite tool for helping a client to understand what I am talking about. All of the films below show a relationship with a NPD, in different ways. Some of the films below are shown in the Marquee above.

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