Marika and Jimmy, a happy Hungarian couple I grew up with. Married with two kids, until her death in the 80’s.
What does a good relationship look like? There is a really good book out called “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts” (1996) by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. This was one of the first books I read on looking at what works in a relationship and I read this prior to graduate school. I was seeking answers myself; curious how people make things happen. When I met a couple that seemed to have a good relationship, I would ask what made them so great. I always heard the good one’s say “communication,” as to why their relationship lasted as long as it did. What does this look like though? If you have grown up in a narcissistic household, where you have lost your sense of self – or in a relationship where you are broken down, it is confusing. I am not sure these really good relationship role models, I met, know the answer themselves. I think they just know this is the secret and it is what everyone says.
I wrote the following many years ago, but since I saved it on the Icloud, in one fell swoop, I lost all my dates. I am guessing this was written in the early 2000’s. There are three lists to distinguish between “Batterer,” “Victim,” and “Survivor.” The sentences are sarcastic in the sense that this is how the person is thinking. Meaning, if someone is a batterer, they are going to agree with these sentences and not find anything wrong with it.
This Czech-Polish (2022 – Kanopy) movie could be seen as a modern day love relationship and it is billed as an erotic-drama. But, since it is so important to me that we watch movies consciously – and I use films for homework with my clients – so that we are more self-aware and do not go into a romantic delusion that this is healthy and fun. It is not. The director is very clear of this throughout the film showing us somatically that Petyr is not enjoying this and is being manipulated by his girlfriend Hanka. Here is my fantasy session with Petyr after he comes to see me at the end of the film.
It is really important to heal your wounds before speaking to others about psychology. This goes for psychotherapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and even laymen (or non-professionals). Why? Because there is still so much to learn. Because you don’t really understand yet what is going on. Because you have so much anger and are relaying only part of a very biased story. For professionals, it is easy to project your own pain onto others. It is easy to misunderstand because their story doesn’t fit yours.
You hear the term “narcissist” so frequently from others. As a psychotherapist, there are moments when you wonder if they both weren’t a bit egotistical. Over time you begin to piece it together, what really happened and who was what. Sometimes it is not narcissism. I have another blog post “When are they NOT a Narcissist?”
I bought this book to give to someone and kept another in my office to share with clients. It is actually a workbook and I think you will find it very helpful in preparing to take this next step. Safety tip, make sure to leave it at work or at a friend’s house, somewhere that this person will not find it and use it against you. Cognitive Dissonance – very important part of what keeps us in the relationship or makes it difficult post-separation. It is a combination of the trauma bond and the romantic delusion. But, you will have to read Dr. McAvoy’s book to learn more. A tip: I could only find this on Amazon, so this is the best place to begin.
The narcissist fears being inferior whereas the borderline fears being abandoned. It is a whole lot more than this, so listen to see what you think you are or have dealt with. Both are manipulative but in different ways. It is complex and exhausting but important to understand the difference.
This video is part of my workshop on Udemy. It is from a professional workshop given by Ira Progoff, who was a Jungian trained psychotherapist. I hope you will enjoy this.
Now here you go again You say you want your freedom Well who am I to keep you down? It’s only right that you should Play it the way you feel it But listen carefully to the sound Of your loneliness Like a heartbeat, drives you mad In the stillness of remembering what you had And what you lost And what you had And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it’s raining Players only love you when they’re playing Say, women, they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know
Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions I keep my visions to myself It’s only me Who wants to wrap around your dreams, and, Have you any dreams you’d like to sell? Dreams of loneliness, Like a heartbeat, drives you mad, In the stillness of remembering What you had, And what you lost, What you had, And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it’s raining Players only love you when they’re playing Say, women, they will come and they will go When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know You will know, Oh, you’ll know
Written by: Stephanie Nicks Album: New Jersey 1983 Released: 1983
One day, while driving in the car and listening to the song, I heard that “Players only love you when they’re playing.” I went to my office and played the entire song again and understood the importance of this song to narcissism. Of course, I had heard this song 100 million times before, but like all good music, well, with me, I often listen to the beat – or the sadness – and not always the lyrics. Or, I hear them but don’t piece it together. Until you have been with a “player” the word doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot to you. You just don’t get it. When you have, the song suddenly takes on new meaning.
I think she wrote this song while in a trauma bond with someone that she loved very much and on the precipice of coming back to reality, she hit the revenge button and wrote of her anger toward this piece of shit that dumped her. Now he hears it every time it is sung on the radio. Does he roll his eyes, or take stock in himself?
I enjoy listening to Dr. Gabor Maté’s advice on life, his life, what he has been through to get to this place of experiential knowledge. I use this video in my course for therapists to discuss the topic of people pleasing. I hope you will enjoy it.
A Frequent Blog of Devotionals Inspired by A Course in Miracles, A Course of Love, The Way of Mastery, Choose Only Love--Plus More . . . with Celia Hales - https://www.amazon.com/author/celiahales
Jeannine Vegh 