Excerpts from Psychology Today article, written by Sherry Gaba LCSW, on Narcissists, Relationships and Cognitive Dissonance:
Cognitive dissonance can occur in a range of different situations. Simply put, cognitive dissonance is having two very different thoughts or beliefs about something at the same time. It is very common in emotionally abusive situations and in relationships with narcissists.
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Catherine the Great was the Empress of Russia for 34 years, 4 months and 8 days. I read the above referenced book (photo), written by Carolly Erickson many years ago. You may wonder why it is that I have chosen an Empress to include in my survivor stories category. This is because victims/survivors come in all shapes, sizes, and financial statuses. When I read this book, I could relate to her in so many ways. We had been married to a batterer, had a child (several for her) taken away from us and had to claw our way to the top. While Catherine may have been much more privileged than I could ever imagine, it was her story that gave me reason to feel inspired.
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My client is reading the book “Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up’s Guide for Getting Over Narcissistic Parents,” by Dr. Nina W. Brown. As we were talking, they made a comment about their parent “Re-writing the story,” to make it fit with their narrative now. I loved the way it was stated and decided to write about this. It is so important to understand when you are the Adult Child of a Narcissistic Parent. Your parent is going to “remember” things way differently than you did. They will remember it the way it makes them feel comfortable AND, in a way where they don’t have to be held accountable for their actions.
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“I Can See Clearly Now”
I can see clearly now, the rain has gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
I think I can make it now, the pain has gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
Look all around, there’s nothing but blue sky
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue sky
I can see clearly now, the rain has gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone’re the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
Gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
Gonna be a bright, bright, bright sun-shining day
Written by Johnny Nash
When listening to the lyrics of this very famous song written by Johnny Nash, you feel a sense of hope after all the pain that you have been through. Women and men who are struggling in the courtroom, trying to divorce a narcissist – this can be a long and tedious journey costing tens of thousands of dollars and leaving the victim broke. However, once it is over, it is over. My clients talk with me about the sense of relief – he/she is gone. “I can sleep at night.” and “I am beginning to have a sense of where I want to go.” As he sings, “Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind,” from the trauma bond (cognitive dissonance), the attorneys who you are unsure are supporting you or not, the judges and GALs who collude with the narcissist (coercive control in the courtroom).
Continue readingAn article I found from a fellow alumnus at John F. Kennedy University. Learning to listen to your body or your gut feelings. These hints often happen during the romantic delusion I have spoken about here on this website. Susanne has great points below and within this wonderful article, that you can click on to read further. The burnouts, she mentions, can be translated to cognitive dissonance while surviving a narcissist. Years (or even months) of excusing the narcissists behavior, losing your sense of self to the point where you don’t know who you are anymore – burnout. She talks about beginning to feel relief when you are setting boundaries, going into therapy and taking care of yourself – with a narcissist – when you leave the relationship or are able to find someway to survive in the relationship. Some partners feel they have no choice but to stay, and therein lies the dilemma of creating a way to keep your sanity by taking your power back. Click on the article below to read in its entirety and feel free to comment on your thoughts.
When You Say Yes but Need to Say No | Psychology Today
Key Points found within the article above.
Or if you prefer Audio only, click below.
It is so important to not use these terms, in general, unless you are a psychotherapist and know what you are talking about. We see them all over social media, we hear them in our daily life, but I can speak from experience in saying that when I hear these terms, the person is generally taking this out of context. I have articles on all or most of these terms (so far) on my webpage here. They are all mentioned one way or another in my posts. I am talking about them here to educate my readers but I am not posting and educating to make you a psychotherapist – unless you already are. Using these terms incorrectly can harm someone. It might deter someone from seeking counseling because they think they have it already figured out. Healing from the abuse you have suffered from a narcissistic parent, partner, or other person in your life is more than just understanding terms.
Tina Turner’s bio-movie in 1993, “What’s Love Got to Do With it,” starring Angela Bassett and Laurence Fishburne (as Ike Turner), was probably the first celebrity “coming out” about domestic violence. Tina, married Ike at a very young age of 23. She knew him for six years before this, though they were not a couple the whole time. At the time of their marriage, he had two sons, she had a son and they had a son together. Ike, turned out to be violently abusive, pushed drugs/alcohol on her and was a womanizer to boot. Tina actually tried to consider suicide at one point in the marriage. I think the movie really made people think about him as a person, but also made her a heroine.
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One more day that I’ve survived
Another night alone
Pay no mind, I’m doing fine
I’m breathing on my own
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
Wake me when the hour arrives
Wake me with my name
See you somewhere down the line
We’re tethered once again
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
Was it you?
Sat alone
Here we go
Close your eyes and stay a while
To take me where you go
Single file we walk the mile
Who’s wandering back home
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend
I’m here
And I’m on the mend my friend
Was it you?
Sat alone
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go
Written by: Dave Grohl, Taylor Hawkins, Nate Mendel, Chris Shiflett Album: In Your Honor Released: 2005
The first time I heard this song, I was in the middle of a trauma bond myself and felt very poorly. I felt that “on the mend,” spoke very much of a person who was trying to crawl out of a hole, and this could be from mental illness, sickness, grief, a normal break-up, or a trauma bond from a narcissist.
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I love this image, though I would not say “normal narcissism,” I would say Ego. I don’t think we should use the same word to talk about being a healthy person. However, I think people need to see this and I am not as good with graphics.
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