A relationship is hard work but when two people are committed to each other equally then you have a better chance of surviving the long haul. Notice I said equally. If you are in a narcissistic relationship, you are probably the one making the choice to stay and are committed to the relationship yourself. The narcissist is committed but not making a “choice,” it is just a decision, nor are they working hard to make things work. Generally they might say “I am not the one with the problem, you are.” Ouch! That bites. This is a very arrogant statement too. Relationship is about two people not one. If one is hurting, the other should be concerned about this.

This hard work in a relationship is the communication aspect. Communication is not “talking” it is “listening.” It is having dialogue, validating each other’s feelings and realizing that both of you have a right to your opinion. This means having respect for the other’s opinion, even when you don’t agree with it. This can be tough if the partner is a narcissist and believes their opinion is the only opinion – which means contempt “I am better and smarter than you are.” Contempt, according to Dr. John Gottman, is the biggest predictor of divorce according to his research, which I was trained in. People on the other end of contempt statements get tired and weary of hearing how the other person is so wonderful. Why stick around for that? If you are validating each other, having dialogue and respecting one another, you will have a strong healthy bond.

Another part of communication is self-soothing when you are flooding (emotionally overwhelmed, dissociating) from the conflict at hand. It is important to not avoid the conflict but sometimes you need to take a break to self-soothe (walk around the block, breathe, negotiate to talk later when you have had time to think it through more). If you avoid conflict, you will become passive/aggressive. This is where we create body language, sighing, dissociate, that shows we are upset but think to yourself “I am not going to talk about it.” Holding it in is disabling to the body and causes much discomfort. When we are passive/aggressive, you will at some point lash out at your partner and they won’t know what you are upset about (because the upset happened weeks, months, years ago). They will think you are nuts. And they may say this because they really don’t understand. If you are self-soothing and revisiting the conflict now, within 24-48 hours (the sooner the better), the crisis will dissipate. You won’t take it into your body and cause physical unrest. Your relationship will be stronger as you will begin to trust your partner, who was there for you when you needed them to hear you. The more you listen to each other and provide support to each other the more you will trust them.

As noted in the photo above, found over the internet, a healthy relationship is Turning Toward your partner vs. Turning Away, as in a toxic relationship. Toxic is narcissistic, abusive, untrustworthy, unhealthy emotionally or mentally, addictive person, all of the things you do not need to be in a relationship with (unless they are getting help because then they would be healthy). Turning toward is not giving up, which is examined more in the next paragraphs.

Not giving up in the relationship because you are committed to one another. Turning Toward one another. This is something that is spoken and does not have to be an engagement discussion, but needs to be authentic and grounded in trust. You are committed to each other and you have plans for a future together and you build on this. When the chips are down, you don’t give up, as you have this understanding that it is just you and them. You re-communicate this as well, often enough that it is understood between you – till you don’t need to.

Couples in our society give up to easily. Now, obviously if there is emotional (includes infidelity whether sexual or not), physical, sexual, financial abuse in the household, this is not giving up, this is wise and it is responding to a mental health crisis that you do not need to live with. You are also not giving up if you find that you can not deal with their mental health crisis either. But, if this is not present, giving up because “He and I don’t communicate well,” see a psychotherapist. If he is not willing, than you make a choice – is this a person I want to live with – who doesn’t make our relationship a priority?

Giving up because of petty things is silly. “She doesn’t drink coffee and what will we do in the mornings as we sit together?” How about “She/he doesn’t have a great body and I really value toned abs.” This is extremely shallow, but why didn’t you notice this when you first began going out with them? The giving up in this society is really about having sex too quickly, without getting to know someone, and then realizing you weren’t in to them as you did get to know them.

Very important, if you want to have a long term relationship, think about this when you prepare to go out with someone. Turning toward love and fidelity and trust and commitment. Long term doesn’t mean jumping into bed. This is essentially conflict avoidance and turning away from someone. You are afraid to consider a conscious relationship. This means dating, getting to know them, meeting their family and friends, and then making love. Because once you have gotten to the stage that you are sure they are a long term connection, it is about making love and building an intimate, strong, healthy, loving relationship – mutually.

Without the communication piece, everything could be great but you aren’t talking, so don’t forget about this. Infidelity (sexual or emotional) is caused by a lack of communication between two people, not having that bond with each other, not having trust. It is a passive/aggressive act by one party who refuses to say something that needs to be said or giving up because they won’t go to counseling. It is never a healthy couple in a “perfect” relationship, that turns away from the partnership. This is not to blame the victim either, as both parties are involved in a lack of communication. You can’t talk to yourself.

Relationships are hard work. They begin when you consciously take that path, from the beginning till death do you part. Once you have veered off the path, it is time to talk to a therapist and this means when you have veered off, not years later.

What is going on in your household? What do you need to do?