A secure and healthy relationship is what all men and women aspire to be in. How do we find these partners? What do they look like? Where are they hiding? What am I doing wrong that I seem to attract the same type of person over and over again?
First, we have to work on ourself. Birds of a feather, flock together. If you are an angry person, a secure and healthy person is not going to stick around very long. It is not unusual that you would attract drama into your life. An addict is not going to attract someone who is healthy and secure, they would not feel comfortable being with someone who is unable to function without a glass, pipe, horse race, pill, etc… A person who has lots of mental health issues – PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Personality Disorders and is not working on themselves, is not going to attract a secure and healthy relationship. Likewise, if you are insecure, immature, unhealthy – physically, avoidant, you are not going to attract a secure and healthy partner. So, what is the answer to this question? Find a really good therapist who specializes in helping you to get into a better place in your life and then you will attract that healthy partner toward you.
A Healthy and Secure person has these qualities:
- A positive view of themselves (vs. grandiose).
- An optimistic view of others (vs. complaining about and blaming everyone).
- Interdependent (vs. clingy), dependent on their partner but able to give each other space at the same time.
- Comfortable with emotional intimacy (effective communication with their partner), talking to one another as a team. Using “We” statements vs. “I” statements.
- Is comfortable with closeness.
- Healthy relationship bonds, not just with their partner but with their boss, family, siblings.
- Secure with themselves and trusting of the people they choose to be in partnership with.
- Feel grounded with their partner and the partner feels the same about them.
- Are not sensitive to things and can laugh when they fall and pick themselves back up again. (vs. getting angry with someone for having an opinion about them)
- Is able to explain to their partner when they are upset about something and have a dialogue about this (vs. being angry and refusing to allow their partner to speak).
- Has their priorities straight in a relationship.
- Having empathy for others, self-awareness, spiritual awareness, physical integrity and dedication to working on yourself; as you realize that you never stop growing in life.
This healthy and secure partnership is a couple who enjoys being together and does not get in each others way. They are a couple who communicates their needs and wants to one another and respect each others boundaries. A healthy and secure partnership are able to laugh with one another. They keep their issues of concern in the relationship rather than sharing it with others. Their communication with one another is sacred and private, just as their sex life is. They don’t air their dirty laundry in public or make their problems someone elses.
Listening to Leah Gray the other night, live through Insight Timer, she mentioned that 56% of people are securely attached. I didn’t hear where she got this quote from but I was surprised (and happy) to know it was so high. As a psychotherapist, I don’t meet the healthy relationships, naturally, I get the other 44%. She also mentioned that we can have a secure attachment and then end up later in an avoidant or anxious attachment style. I have seen this quite a lot in my own life and others that I work with. Trauma can cause us to switch into a different attachment style. You can also go from avoidant or anxious relationships, work on yourself, and then be in a secure attachment style.
Many of us can think of couples that make us feel good when we are around them. Their love and security is nurturing to others. They are comfortable with themselves and able to be with other people without feeling threatened that their partner is going to leave them for that person they are engaging with. For example, a husband or partner can invite his male friend over for dinner and not worry that his wife will flirt with him or leave him for the friend. This type of couple is able to have a lifestyle that works for them, that they have created for each other.
We all have an ability to attract a secure and healthy relationship, if we want one. We have to change our attitudes about partnership, work on our mental health, and not be so desperate or needy to be with someone. If you have the qualities listed above, in the list, you will attract that same bird. Think on these things and take yourself more seriously. Treat yourself with respect. Have personal integrity. The person you are looking for will suddenly appear, when you least expect it.