Love and forgiveness can conquer all, but only when your partner is mature enough to handle this (see post from yesterday). When both of you value your commitment to each other, yes, love and forgiveness will conquer all ills. What happens when there is a lack of maturity? You can’t control the actions of another. You have to let go when shock and drama won’t because their anger (and your stubbornness to let go) are all that is holding on. The love has ceased to exist. You are a victim of your memories and they are a hostage to their anger.
The shock of learning that your boy/girlfriend or spouse is not the person you thought they were is an extremely painful experience. Seeing their true colors for the first time is the start of a very painful journey. At first, you are in denial. You think that any day they will call to apologize. As time goes on, the longer it takes, the chances are, it is just not going to happen.
This denial can hold out for days, weeks, and months (sometimes longer), as long as you nurse the memories of what once was. As long as you hold out on hope that one day this will end and the man or woman you thought they were; will return to you once again. Yes, you did have beautiful memories in your honeymoon stage of life. Great loves are made of these moments. However, when they end and when the ending is a shocking discovery, and it is becoming clear this person is most likely not going to give you the apology you seek, then the person is not who you thought they were. Even if at some point you do get an apology, something needs to be done about their behavior. You can’t ignore this or it will happen again.
Denial: Think of the story “Great Expectations” by Charles Dickens written in 1861. The story of an ageing spinstress who was jilted at the altar and wears her wedding dress for the rest of her life. Don’t let this become you.
Men and women have the most difficult time in the denial process. Whether they get through this or not will determine their next stage in life. Achieving enlightenment in the self does not come from reading Thich Nhat Hanh, or Krisnamurti, or Pramahansa Yogananda. It does not come from a yoga class or sitting on the top of a mountain. Enlightenment comes after you step out of denial and into the light. This may happen in a yoga class or sitting on a mountain. It may happen that you come to some awareness of your self from reading one of these books from the great masters. However, it is what you are doing on this process to awaken from the darkness and sit with the pain until you do finally see that light.
Enlightenment can be achieved after spending weeks without sleep, being unable to eat, through that sickness that will lead you into health. This is the vision quest you will undertake, whatever the symptoms you choose during this journey is up to you and your process. Enlightenment is when you wake up at 6:00 am and begin to write down your truth for the first time.
Once you have stepped out of denial, only then will you begin to heal. The past memories are never going to disappear with the one you loved. They did happen. You did have wonderful times together. These moments have shown you what can be possible when you meet the right person. When you finally meet that healthy, passionate, wonderful person who is ready to be in a mature partnership with you. You have been shown a preview of what is possible. Now, you have to let go of the one who wasn’t, when you are ready to step out of denial.
No doubt the memories have also had warning signs along the way. It is highly unlikely that this shocking event, which has occurred, did not have some hints foretelling this conclusion. These are the clues you must pick up on when you are ending your denial phase.
The warning signs were all those little incidences where your gut was hurting. Those times when your instincts were saying… something is just not right here. Look at these warning signs more closely now. In retrospect, what did these clues all add up to? The shocking conclusion of your relationship that you are now nursing your denial with.
What holds us from enlightenment are memories that are once in a lifetime, movie-making experiences. Wild passionate sex with someone where you experience a sense of passion that you have never had before. Sex energy is a difficult feeling to detach from. Especially when the sex was perfect. Especially when this was your way of feeling close to the one you loved. Sex energy can hold onto a couple in a way that can transform or destroy them. Again, it is down to the level of maturity between the two people. Sex is a bond that can cause enlightenment, as noted in the Kama Sutra. It can also hold your denial hostage at the end of the relationship.
The clues will carry you out of denial. Allow the tears to fall. Cry every day if you must. Let the grief process continue until the awakening moment occurs. This is the meaning behind those sleepless nights. We can’t sleep because, in our relaxed state our mind becomes conscious of the unconscious. We wrestle with this night after night until we “wake up,” or continue to resist the lesson we need to learn. At night, we are between two worlds: the known and the unknown, the dark and the light. This is the passage or initiation that we read about when Persephone walks down into the underworld, to meet up with Hades, on her journey toward becoming a woman. Sleepless nights are the path into your awakening. Resistance is what causes the insomnia. Enlightenment – the wake up call – is what brings sleep to us once more. That “aha” moment which signals the awareness and brings peace to the sleeper (irony though because now you are awake!).
Once this shocking moment has occurred, with your partner and the apology never surfaces; the good times of the honeymoon stage have ended and won’t be coming back. This person is NOT who you thought they were. Be grateful that fate stepped in to wake you up.
When a person has disrespected you in some way thru the shock and drama of their actions, the perfect love and trust that you took for granted; this has now ended. The apology will not come because they are not mature enough to bring it. If at some point it does, they need help to deal with their anger. If it doesn’t, you probably have a narcissist on your hands who now feels justified in their actions.
Don’t focus on trying to be the healer or the therapist to the one you love. Even if you are the healer or the therapist. Focus on healing yourself. Take care of soothing your own pain. Let the clues bring you toward the light. Find a therapist of your own if you are having a hard time on this journey. Seek out a spiritual teacher. Get back to your yoga class and meditate daily.
The more you resist, the more it persists. And yet, the persistence to this journey can open your eyes. We create our own hell in life. The longer we stay in denial, the more painful the process becomes to journey from the underworld and into the light of day on Earth. This process, while painful has a peaceful outcome. If only you would stick with the journey until you can see forward once more.
The peaceful outcome is being free of the shock and drama. It is letting go of the ties that bound you. Shaking loose the chains which defined you as a person – this relationship that no longer is – and beginning to embrace yourself once more.