When I typed in this term on Duck Duck Go, the Search Assist told me this: “Flying monkeys refer to individuals who enable or assist a narcissist in their manipulative behaviors, often without realizing the harm they are causing. They may spread gossip, act as spies, or defend the narcissist, typically due to manipulation or a desire to please.” What I had already seen as a pattern in narcissistic relationships was a person that I termed “The Priority Female,” and now realize there are Priority Male’s as well. What does this look like?

In the scene above, from Gaslight (1944), Angela’s Lansbury’s character “Nancy” is used to manipulate Paula by Gregory (the narcissist). He purposely hires Nancy, because of her sassy, slutty demeanor which tells him that he can seduce her into doing his will. Nancy does because she knows “which side her bread is buttered on.”

The priority female or male (I’ve recently learned from two female clients about a male in their husband’s life), is someone who has inappropriate relationships with the narcissists. Here is a scenario:

Ebony is in a relationship with Tom. She is married, he is a covert narcissist who avoids relationships if at all possible. He was married once “to a borderline,” he will say to the women he is whining and dining. Ebony and he work together. They go on vacations together. She buys nice presents for he and his son. Expensive presents. He rationalizes this to his girlfriends, who question this relationship by saying “We are just good friends, we don’t sleep together.” If they try to press upon him their dislike for Ebony, he will yell at them and say “You can’t tell me who I can be friends with!” and continue going on and on until they shut up.

Another situation where the male is the priority:

Ed is close friends with Jim. They are both married, yet they go on vacations together. When asking the wife “Are they fishermen? History buffs,” she replied, no, they are just good friends. When asked if she felt there was a sexual liaison, she said no. When she had approached Jim about this he said she had a dirty mind and was jealous.

I am sure there are scenarios where the “flying monkey” is unaware that they are used to manipulate their relationship in some way. In the first scenario above, it was much like Angela Lansbury’s character Nancy. She was very clear that she was driving a wedge between Tom and his girlfriends and she seemed to enjoy this role, this elevated status and getting back at women for some unforeseen or unknown reason.

When a person knows what they are doing, I would wonder if perhaps they are a narcissist as well. To know that you are purposely harming someone, to engage in manipulation to hurt someone, this isn’t a sane person who empathizes and cares about other people. It is a person who is out to destroy others and enjoys doing so. I actually feel it is much more than narcissism, but I don’t know the flying monkeys personally, so I can’t say what the bigger picture looks like.

If you feel you are in a relationship with someone and there is a flying monkey or a priority male/female in your partners life, it is best to turn to a psychotherapist with experience in narcissistic relationships and working with survivors. What will happen from your perpetrator is gaslighting or making you question your sanity about a scenario that they have created for their own personal enjoyment.

Want to learn more? Take my workshop on Udemy, entitled Surviving the Narcissist.