As a psychotherapist, I am dumbfounded by the stories I always hear in my room. It is the family law stories that get me every time. The client, no matter whether it is male or female, the survivor of the narcissist, is always the one who loses when there is a narcissistic spouse involved. Here in Ohio, it is a “woman’s only state,” but I can tell you this is NOT true when there is a narcissist. I’d like to even say only with children, but I have had women who had money (not lots, but more then him) who have had to fight him trying to take their money, when they were only married a few years. I have had men who were up against a woman (with no children together) and had to fight her lies and manipulation in court – not for money – but for power. Why is it that nothing is being done about this? Why is it the court’s always believe them? Why are they not trying to create change, or to have a conscience?

The caveat here is that I don’t represent the narcissist. I don’t want to as I have no energy to deal with trying to sift through all the bs. I have dealt with enough of them in my family, in relationships, in corporate world and I just don’t want to go there anymore. So, I do realize that I am dependent on one person’s side of the story. However, this being said, it is like working on a puzzle and finding which pieces fit together. The survivor is telling me things that are pieces that fit a pattern that matches all the other clients who have said the same things. They don’t know each other. Sure, I can tell when they have read an article or two online, but I let them know when it is correct or not. For example, many people mistake gaslighting for lying. It is not solely a lie. It is a lie that makes you question your reality of the situation. For example, a person’s signature on a form and then they say to you, “That doesn’t even look real.” That is gaslighting.

So, while I am only sitting with one person in the room, I see similarities in their stories. And, they aren’t trying to convince me. They are desperate for someone to listen and validate or acknowledge that they are not insane. They are yelled at by judges/magistrates who don’t even know them. They are stiffed for thousands of dollars by attorneys who could care less about them. They have GALs who have no psychology degree, but have taken a few workshops. Can you imagine if I took a few workshops on law and then tried to say “I will represent you in court now.” I was talking today to someone about people who try to represent themselves in court. This is the same thing as today’s AI therapists who have no license and are not even a human being, but are programmed to “listen” when they have no ears, only data that has typed in how to respond. It is ludicrous.

The narcissist is right, they are always right. They choose the attorney who they can manipulate into saying what they want them to say. They speak to the GAL, the judge, whomever else is involved and give their narrative of why they are right. But, they don’t make it seem like “they are right.” They come across as charming people, as victims, they even like to pretend they are people pleasers – though it is not about the people, it is about looking good. When there are children involved, they have phrases that they will use to elicit emotive responses from others. For example: “Spouse is grooming the child,” or “Spouse is an alcoholic,” and they are taken at face value even though they are not an addictions counselor or a therapist. They are believed, even though the spouse has no drinking problem nor do they try to teach their child what to say. Meanwhile, that spouse is given hoops to jump through and every time the narcissist comes up with one more thing, the spouse has to jump through that additional hoop.

And it is not just the survivors. I have spoken with attorneys, as a therapist. I have spoken with GALs, as a therapist, forensic evaluators, and even judges. They are not listening, they have an agenda to follow. Even in the court room, as a social worker who wrote the report for CPS, I was not listened to. The judges and the attorneys were right, this is how the system works. Even mediators are secondary, IF the judge didn’t say “Go to mediation.” If you go on your own, they don’t care because they didn’t ask you to do that. So, if one spouse suddenly wants to change their mind about what occurred in mediation, the judge can say, “It is not admissible because we did not ask for this.” I’ve heard this too.

This is why the narcissist can take advantage and use the court system. They have this ability to see how to work it. When they took advantage of their spouse and children in the first place, they saw how to use their power, how it was reacted to and learned what they could get away with. They look over the situation, react and win. I know of a covert narcissist who lost their house and child in court, then they went back reviewed the situation, hired a new attorney and got it all back. They saw how they could get a better advantage the second time around. Supposedly this was two personality disorders working against each other. I only knew one. I knew another person who used the system to play games – it was for a different court reason. They showed up, pretended to have not brought the information requested – to stall – and then didn’t show up the next time. It was settled for the simple fact that they obviously didn’t have the information, they just needed to waste everyone’s time and the court gave them a chance to do that.

Sometimes it makes sense why the court does what it does – they don’t know either party, but other times, once all the professionals involved have given their opinion, then they have to make decisions based on trusting those professionals. However, my concern is when the judges yell at the survivor, or take obviously common sense information and harass them about it. Or berate a person who is obviously illiterate and not very wise, who was being taken advantage of by a very mean and cruel batterer. This type of thing might work well in criminal court, but is unfair in family court. The bottom line is often young children who are being impacted by these people in power. Who often don’t have a voice – unless they are of a certain age. Children need both of their parents, unless one or both are abusing or neglecting the child. The interpretation of neglect has been taken advantage of quite a bit lately and has really done a number on destroying family values and families in general.

The victim/survivor, can easily be seen as the one with the problems. Imagine how you would feel if someone was lying about your integrity in court. Imagine if there was a threat of losing your child. Imagine if people in power were believing the person you know to be wrong and questioning you instead of them. You are going to become defensive and this is what causes the narcissist to gain more power. You are trying to fight back and they are smiling, knowing that you are going to lose. They know not to fight and cause a scene and they know how to play their own attorneys and the GALs (both whom they are paying for). They know how to charm and pull the wool over people’s eyes. These are people who once love bombed, mirrored, cajoled, and stared at you in the face making you believe what they were saying and you bought it hook line and sinker. So, the more you get defensive and try to fight the system, the more people think you are the person who is the narcissist. The narcissist is NOT fighting the system, they are playing cool and collected. They already have learned how to push your buttons and how to play you, this is why they succeed in court.

What to do if you are in this mess. Naturally, I am going to say – get help. You need a psychotherapist to talk to, to validate your feelings and needs. Find a support group if possible in your area. Find a divorce group to talk to others. You are definitely NOT alone. People in numbers can have more of an impact then one voice alone. You see that the system is wrong, but YOU are not going to fix it. I can tell you it is not much different than it was in 1982 when I went through this same thing. People bitch more loudly, but no one really listens. Tomorrow it is another newsworthy story. When they attempt to make some changes, it is limited to the city or state. It is pending the bill being passed – which is going to come with a lot of excuses. It is dependent on how much time someone wants to put into it and how much time they have. But, if you are together, in unison, as a group and you put something together wisely (not foolishly and egotistically), and smartly go to the right people, you can have an impact, even if it is in your city or state. To get it to change at the federal level – good luck. For this, you need a non-profit, you need to give your life, it helps if you have lots of money to spend and even then. Change has happened, little bits and pieces, since 1982 but really, if I am hearing the same story that sounds like mine, it hasn’t changed at all.