Unless you are licensed in the psychology profession and have some training or knowledge in the field of personality disorders, and you have had personal or professional contact with this person, it is not narcissism, it is purely speculation.

There is so much written about this topic that the quote above had to be stated which I felt quite odd. I had never once assumed that I was narcissistic for being self-aware or working on my spirituality. However, modern society is very sensitive and so I guess she felt a need to point this out.

We are all narcissistic to one degree or another because we all have an ego. I am sure that there are many times that each of us – especially in today’s society – get labeled “narcissist,” whenever someone gets pissed off at us due to a lack of communication. But the term “Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” is attributed to someone by a licensed psychological professional who knows what they are talking about. You can read whatever you want online, but it is all purely speculation. So, I am writing this to caution people about using psychological terms when you are not a licensed professional.

It is very similar to criminal attorneys who get upset when they hear journalists and laymen using court terms such as “allegedly” in regard to crimes (along with other legal terms). Now that the internet is almost three decades old, we are suddenly feeling frisky with psychological and legal terms, as well as other terms from professions we don’t hold degrees in.

This harms people when we do this and it is the reason why courts do NOT like to hear the terms “narcissism” brought up in their rooms. Anyone can say this and when it is overused, it is no different than the boy who cried wolf. Unless there is evidence from a professional, it is not going to bode very well as your defense for a divorce or any other forensic situation.

For some reason narcissism is the “word of the day.” In fact there are 10 different personality types, some which fall into biological and some that are not. All personality disorders can come across as being narcissistic. In fact, much of the time when I am meeting with men who speak about their “narcissistic ex,” I often find that they sound like borderline personality disorder not narcissistic. I have them read up on this and they generally come back and tell me I was spot on. Sometimes they will say “She was diagnosed with that.” So, I wonder, why they chose to say narcissist. I think because society “understands” this term more than borderline and so it is easier to say to their friends. I quote understands because most people don’t, as I am pointing out here.

If the person has a mental illness, they come across as narcissistic, especially when not on their meds. It will seem like they are “focused on themselves” and no one else. This is because their brains are taking control and they are desperate for help and not able to explain this. Often they drop off their meds because “they feel better.” I have to explain to people that this is the point of the medications, to help them feel better. When you have a mental illness, your brain doesn’t magically heal with medications, it just takes the edge off while you are on it. Once you go off, it will send you spiraling in one direction or the other at some point. Then you will understand you can’t go off of it. This person is not narcissistic though, they need to be on their meds and they need you to understand what it is like to be them.

Someone with an addiction is definitely going to seem like a narcissist. This is because their “vice” takes priority over you, their job, or anyone or anything else. They are not narcissistic, they are an addict. They need help. The only thing you can do is NOT enable them. Get out of the relationship until they get help or if married, give them an ultimatum. Calling them a narcissist is not going to help.

Calling anyone a narcissist is not going to help them. We, have to take responsibility for whether or not we are going to stay in this relationship. The “non-narcissist,” needs to determine this. If you really feel this is what you are up against, than why are you staying? I am not blaming, I am letting you know that you have a choice. Blaming them the “narcissist” with critical terms like narcissism doesn’t help you if you are choosing to stay. If they really are a narcissist, they are most likely not going to leave. Why should they when “You are the one with the problem,” according to them. And this is terrible that it is like this, I empathize 100% but, ultimately, you are going to have to make this decision.

In any of the categories: mental illnesses, personality disorders, addictions, you, the one coping with this have a choice to make. What if I were to tell you that people pleasing is really being somewhat narcissistic (egotistical) because you are saying “They can’t make it without me.” Whenever we go in this direction, “They need me,” or “No one else can deal with this,” or even “He/she is dependent on me,” you are being self-serving. You have determined that they are helpless without you. I have explained to so many people “How do you think he/she has made it all these years before you?” This helps people to understand that they “the person with the problem,” are not helpless, but you have determined they are.

I think it is important to educate yourself on this topic if you feel that you are in this situation, but don’t hang out in narcissism land. Make some wise choices and then begin to do some work on yourself. How did you get here in the first place?

We can’t take responsibility for anyone but ourselves.