A good relationship isn’t hard to understand but it is hard work. It is difficult for those who have never been allowed to have a voice to suddenly speak without their throat collapsing. To be able to say “This is what I want,” without someone making them feel like a heel for even thinking about that need. To be able to set a boundary without hearing the word “No,” or just being ignored. It requires that you are brave and assert yourself. It also means that you don’t stay with the person if they are not respecting your requests or allowing you to have your needs met. A good relationship means that a person doesn’t run away when there is a crisis. They stick by you as the two of you see it through. A good relationship means that both people are committed to being on this team. You take responsibility for the bills being paid and understand that there is something required of you when the chips are down. When you have children you undertake this task together and don’t expect the other will do all the work. You realize that both of you are creating this new team member and the result of your actions will determine the future for this young soul.

Finding a good relationship takes work. Online dating has never really been respected but people still have hope. It has more recently been trashed in the past few years with the hook up and fuck apps, the spam, the married men and women (or the men and women in a relationship looking for a way out). It isn’t real, though some people do have luck with it. A bar isn’t real either but people have luck with this too. I have had people tell me they married someone they met on Tinder. Great, fate played a hand and felt sorry for them but is Tinder really the place to find a husband/wife or boy/girlfriend? The point is to try a more realistic approach to the dating scene by getting out and meeting people; by not sacrificing yourself and giving in to “WTF.” 

A good relationship doesn’t give up easily. A guy or girl is honest with you about what their needs are and you respect this, instead of making some snarky comment. “When a guy says that his job is demanding and he isn’t going to have a lot of time in the month to spend time with you,” a good response might be “Okay, I know your job is important, just as mine is but I would still like to find a way that the two of us can communicate with each other in the meantime.” You have just validated his concern – instead of reprimanding and you have outlined what it is you need from him. “Will you be able to call me in the evening so that we talk and check in with each other?” A decent person would say yes and then you would discuss what this would look like. Maybe you would email during the day and send love notes to each other, in the meantime.

No relationship is more demanding than those who serve in the military. I am sure there are others that equal this but as I am more familiar with this territory, I can attest to this. The good thing is that now, after all these years, various organizations and resources are available to these folks. It wasn’t always like it is now. I used to be a contractor with the military. I went to Yellow Ribbon ceremonies and was able to hear presentations that are given to them and meet other people who serve them in different capacities. It is probably the best cared for ship – in many ways. It of course has its drawbacks as well. How could an organization that is the size of a country not have problems? When couples in the military are successful, it is because they take a mature approach, a business like model of running that company. Husband and wife operate as a team pre-deployment, during, and post-deployment. They learn over time how to orchestrate an approach that works for the two of them and their family if they have kids.

Military families that don’t succeed are not much different than any other civilian with a failed relationship. They go into marriage for the wrong reasons and they use the military as their excuse for why things failed. I watched a film “Thank you for your service,” a couple of years ago. It was based on a book written by a Washington Post staff writer David Finkel (whom I met and spoke with after a screening at the Wexner Center in Columbus, Ohio). The film was absolutely amazing in capturing for the audience what it must be like for soldiers coming home after being in combat. At the same time, it showed three different couples and how they were affected by this. The one couple, who were the most successful of the three, represented a dynamic that is played out in both civilian and military families. The woman felt that being more sexual might engage her husband more. In this case, it was hard to watch this as a psychotherapist and as a woman. I knew what she was thinking and I knew what he was thinking. He wanted space – to decompress and re-acquaint with his new reality; she wanted desperately to take care of her husband and join with him again. They were unable to communicate with each other what their needs were.

Communication requires two very brave people sticking their necks out there and not being afraid of being hurt. How can you get over your fear if you don’t practice? The early stage of a relationship is the most crucial part of preparing for a relationship. It is here that the person is giving you all the clues into who they are. If you pay attention you will hear their authentic self-coming through. If you care than you will appreciate the hints that they are giving you. Make mistakes in a relationship. If he/she stays by being a supportive person than the chances are this is a good person to stick around with. If they don’t stay, than they aren’t relationship material and you have to let them go. When I say supportive person I am not talking about supporting your mistake as a heroin addict. I am talking about supporting your mistake that you make once or a couple of times and learn from. This might be emailing too much but they set a boundary and request that you limit the emails because it is hard to keep up with you. They might make a request of you by telling you they aren’t ready to be in a relationship yet and while you have been patient, once in a while you become impatient and yet they continue to stay with you in the friendship.

Story A: A guy and a girl are on a date at a restaurant. The guy mentions very awkwardly that he is not planning to get married. It is a first date. The girl looks around the room wondering who heard this declaration besides her. He was practicing setting a boundary (Hint #1 he is not interested in a relationship). She was embarrassed and confused why he was bringing this up. They walked back to his house and went to his garage to get his car so that they could go hiking which was the rest of the date. When the door to the garage opened, she saw a wide array of surf boards, bikes, skate boards, all types of toys which helped her to realize that this guy was still embracing his youth (Hint #2 he is not interested in a relationship). Nonetheless, upon their return, she still held out that maybe there was more than met the eye. While eating dinner, a friend stopped by and asked the girl if she was another woman’s name. Finally, something snapped and the girl was able to see that she would be in a line of girls that came and went through his door. She shut that door and didn’t return.

Story B: Julie and Steve are on a date hiking a popular strip in Point Reyes. Prior to getting there, they met at his house. She brought snacks and water as did he. They went over their provisions and realized they had forgotten to pack an actual lunch which they were going to need after the 10 mile trek. They agreed on a restaurant to pick sandwiches up from (Hint: compromise from a situation where neither are focused on needing to win). Steve talked about needing sun screen which Julie had forgotten. He brought some down from his bathroom and offered to share (Hint: a very caring person who looks out for others). Preparations being made, they began their adventure. It was a great talk in the car. He shared his love of hiking and they discussed what trails they had been on. They swapped relationship horrors and successes. She had been married as had he and both had opted not to have children for similar reasons. Both discussed the mistakes they had made in those marriages without making the ex the reason for the demise (Hint: this shows two people who take responsibility for their mistakes and have self-awareness with regard to relationships). At the top of the cliff at the end the one-way hike, it overlooks the ocean, the couple decided to have lunch here. Steve had new boots on and found that they had not agreed with his feet. He had planned on this with thicker socks but he ended up with really bad sores nonetheless. Julie had thought ahead and brought some first aid cream and some bandage dressings and helped him with this. (Hint: we have now seen two people who look out for the other and this is a good sign that they are not focused on themselves). The end of this story is that there was a second date and a third and so forth and so on.

While the first story is clearly showing a negative ending it mentions something very clear. The girl paid attention to the red flags and made a wise decision at the end of the date. Not every person is the right person for you. You have to be strong and not get caught up in your feelings when this happens. It is more important that you learned a lesson – quickly – than to focus on bad mouthing the person because they weren’t the right one. Now that you are going out there again, free of the narcissist and trying out again, don’t label the mistakes as “All men are bad.” If you focus on this, you will never be able to meet a good man.

In the second scenario, let’s say Julie was blaming herself for each situation but keeping it to herself. It was typical for her to find fault whenever she made a mistake or he made a mistake. She was trying very hard to practice not making it about her and allowing this new person to be a giving person. While she felt scared telling Steve what restaurant choices she might like, she thought up a couple really quickly in her head. By the time they got to the edge of the cliff, she felt some relief in realizing she had packed a first aid kit. She had been raised to believe that it was always her fault. Her therapist had been working with her and encouraging her to think differently. She began to think of a date as being a way to get her therapists approval and this helped her to practice being a different person. During the 10 mile trek she began to see that Steve was a very decent and caring person. Each time they went out after this, she saw more and more how he proved to be trustworthy and authentic and her guard went down a little more. In time, they were able to build a safe and healthy space for each other to be able to love each other more freely.

A good relationship does not come from a one night stand. It is created over time when two people state their boundaries and ask for what they want from the other. When each is able to respect the other, they are able to feel comfortable with that person. When each listens and validates the other, their voice flows more easily and they are able to speak honestly and openly. Once this has been created and established as a rule of thumb, a physical relationship can culminate knowing that this is a person you are ready to give your body and soul to.

Sex is an extremely intimate experience. Both of you are naked and all your imperfections are glaringly visible. There are no more push up bras or Spanx. It is obvious that he has scars or tattoos. Birth marks and rashes and pimples and whatever suddenly become a part of your awareness. His toes are different sizes and her breasts are larger on one side. He has gas and she has bad breath. All of these are in the room when you are having sex. None of this matters if you have developed love for the other person and feel a desire to be near them. It only happens to be annoying if you jumped into bed with them before having trust and love. If you want to have a wonderful sex life and a healthy relationship then you first have to create a space of love and trust and good communication of course.