It is really important to heal your wounds before speaking to others about psychology. This goes for psychotherapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and even laymen (or non-professionals). Why? Because there is still so much to learn. Because you don’t really understand yet what is going on. Because you have so much anger and are relaying only part of a very biased story. For professionals, it is easy to project your own pain onto others. It is easy to misunderstand because their story doesn’t fit yours.

Survivors Turned Experts are people who have ended up in toxic relationships, have a diagnosis they want to brag about, or some other psychological situation where they get onto social media and suddenly they are the expert on all things … (fill in the blank). Someone I know is telling me about a Tik Tok expert on Borderline (she is one). Others have told me about people on there who “self-diagnose” and so there have been no tests performed, no therapy, but suddenly they are an expert. I have had countless other people tell me about people they took opinions from off the internet. This can be very harmful and misleading.

My first advice to clients is “Wait till you have healed, licked your wounds, forgiven yourself and are able to look back on the situation and calmly speak about it without getting torn, confused, upset and angry.”

It is easy to want to tell your story online, because lets face it, there is so much to tell. Social media has become the gamut of everyone doing a tell all and getting lots of likes. This validates you as a person but, you can also be ripped apart by the tormentor or complete strangers. Case in point: Many years ago, when I operated a message board (what they used to be called) for domestic violence survivors. My batterer, who I had not spoken to in probably 20+ years, found out about it, through a family member and went on there and began barking about himself and that I was a bad person in some way. I can’t recall all of what he said now. Luckily, the board had so much traffic by then, many people had my personal email and someone reached out to me. I was working at CPS then (Children’s Protective Services) and I was mortified and I was more than a survivor turned expert, I was a professional. Luckily, I knew how to get him off and block him from the group.

Another thing that can happen is that people believe you are the expert. They can become triggered by your information because they are reading into what you are saying. They are confused by what you are saying. They might even think their story is different because it doesn’t “match” yours. The #MeToo movement was extremely misleading. The founders of this group were Hollywood actresses trying to bring down the executives for sexual abuse. People misunderstood the movement as one that would educate professionals on this topic. People were airing all their dirty laundry and exposing their own abuse on the internet, out loud. Deeply personal, graphic stories. Nothing changed because #MeToo was only about Harvey Weinstein which created a witch hunt around the world in journalism, movies, radio, etc… People talk about this movement, but if you read about it online, you will find it wasn’t about you.

What I tell my clients when they want to learn about Narcissism, or any other diagnosis is to go to Psychology Today, or look up the topic but only read things written by psychology professionals. Why, because they will explain all the details, symptoms, and they will offer strategies such as “Go and speak to a psychotherapist” if you feel you have been the victim of this person. They will say “This is not a substitute for therapy.” Also, they are qualified professionals who are the real experts in this field. If it is a mental illness, I will tell them about NAMI where they can take free workshops or join family discussion groups. It is important that people heal from the situation they are dealing with – in treatment.

Way back in the late 90’s, when I first began to attend my grad school for my degree, the first mandate they gave us was “You have to be in therapy for one year and get a signed statement from the therapist.” I didn’t understand at the time because I said “I’ve been in therapy my whole life. I’ve dealt with this.” What they told me and what I began to realize in time is that “You need to see what it is like being a client, now that you are learning to be a therapist.” What I also saw, in retrospect, is my own clients through me. So many ways I spoke to my therapist, I can now see mirrored back at me. I can recall my misgivings, my misunderstandings, my needs and wants that were never expressed.

Healing your inner wounds is something you can’t understand, until you heal your inner wounds. You can’t imagine how strong you will be, how mature, how easy it is to be like a third party looking back. You are no longer triggered by the topic. You no longer cry or lash out. You just talk.

It is sad for me when I see people who walk away from therapy because they are afraid to heal, don’t understand what is happening to them or just give up due to fear of change. I get this but I also feel sad for this struggle. What I know though is that we have to be ready to face the trauma – head on. We have to be so pissed at our own self that we are desperate for answers and want to stop being the person we are. We have to crave wanting to know the answer to “Who Am I.” We have to be passionate about learning and growing. And, we have to want a better life.

The song above resonates with me and this is because I had a breakthrough listening to it, while in grad school. I told my therapist that I understood the song and what it meant. It means that the person has walked through the storm and their self-awareness has cleared up the “sky” [their mind] and helped them to see what they couldn’t see before. It means they are ready to work with a therapist, or maybe they already have and can now see the “light,” or the road in front of them, and the path they want to take.