If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, or a mother like Violet, you absolutely hate Mother’s Day. You were ripped off and didn’t get that kind, nurturing, loving, supportive parent that Hallmark believes you had. They don’t keep “giving, loving and being the best mother you could possibly be,” as one card would lead us to think. So, every woman who has grown up with a narcissistic mother will struggle to find a card, find a gift – that is good enough, or will try to resist altogether, in a passive/aggressive way – which you will pay for.

August: Osage County is my favorite video to have clients watch, who grew up with a narcissistic mother. However, just to make my own point (article: When is it not Narcissism), Violet is a drug addict, with narcissistic traits. The latter is synonymous with addiction. What Violet would be like if she got clean/sober and actually did some work on herself (which she wouldn’t), remains to be seen. Violet is all about herself and yes, she is deeply wounded as she tells us with the story of her sister protecting her from a bully and the story of the cowboy boots. Violet’s mother was an ass and she became one and now Barbara, her eldest daughter is one too.

My boyfriend and I watched this last night, me – the second time. He has been in a Borderline relationship – in his past – and he self-educated himself on the topic. He brought up an important question with the movie – which didn’t seem to have a psychotherapists input. “Would a Narcissist hide the fact that her husband cheated on her for all these years?” Since I was so hell bent on defending the movie as a narcissistic mother, I first said “yes.” Then I said, “Wait, let me think about this.” He continued to give compelling arguments and I had to realize he was actually right. If Violet were not a drug addict and were a narcissist, she would have used this throughout the years to punish her husband, the son and force all of her daughters to be immersed in her victimization. Her martyrdom. And, I am not saying that women deserve to be cheated on. However, a narcissist would have used this infidelity as a weapon. It is also interesting that Barbara is also cheated on and she also hides this from her family.

The first time I saw this movie, I didn’t really think about the daughters Karen and Ivy. Their storyline was inconsequential to me. Barbara and Violet’s relationship reminded me so much of my own mother/daughter dynamic that I forgot they existed. It is easy, when you are the daughter of the narcissist to be focused on your own pain. Karen and Ivy seemed like women who were not very bright and I thought about this when watching the movie. Karen focused on living in a fantasy world, to deny the pain she felt inside. She didn’t live anywhere near her family, so their pain did not reflect on her internally. As long as she lived in “I am going to Belize for my honeymoon,” meaning – I am going to be as far away as possible from my feelings, and what she is trying to show us is that she is very successful. Or, “Look at me.” No one does.

Ivy lives with mom and dad, because Barbara “ran away” from home, which of course she did not, she married and lived elsewhere. But, to a narcissist, she ran away because she is not in her mother’s tight grip. Ivy is a passive, introvert, dealing with mom’s pain day in and day out and has conjured up an escape plan – which will never happen – we can surmise from the ending. Ivy feels sorry for everyone, including herself, because nothing ever goes right for her. And, of course, nothing ever goes right for any of the sisters, any of the family members, because they are all very wounded souls, raised by unhealthy people.

Barbara, I have hope for in this movie. I have hope for her because she appears to have some self-awareness. If only she went into therapy and really worked on herself, she could try to rebuild her relationship with her daughter. Her husband and she are most likely not going to happen, but it is clear that she loves him. He takes some pity on her, for having a mother like Violet, but he doesn’t want to end up like Beverly (the father – with a woman’s name).

If you are reading this blog post and looking over this website, you are reaching out for some solace in your life. Don’t be like Barbara. Go seek a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. Find someone who gets it. Who really gets it. And then take some time to really go deep into the wounds of your psyche, so that you don’t end up living your life in misery.