A relationship does not need to be divided as a result of conflict. If both parties are committed to one another and believe they are on a team – and operate as a team, both will grow with conflict. The reason so many couples are divided is that trust has been broken and they are in a two party household.

If only one partner is talking and requesting support but the other is not listening – stonewalling, or criticizing, being contemptuous or defending themself, the talker will feel bitter over time. They will feel emotionally exhausted. “I have tried explaining, but he/she doesn’t listen.” They might say. When they come into my office, the “listener” becomes very defensive, “yes I did.” I know they didn’t otherwise they wouldn’t be there.

The four words, I just mentioned, Stonewalling, Criticism, Contempt and Stonewalling, are considered the Four Horseman in the Apocalypse of the Relationship, as taught to me through the Gottman Institute, after decades of research with couples led by Dr. John Gottman.

I find that Defensiveness occurs a lot from abuse survivors, including emotional abuse by a narcissistic parent. Criticism and Contempt come more often from a narcissistic partner, or an addict, or batterer for example. However, these are not the only people who use these specific Four Horseman. Oh, and Narcissists will only admit to Stonewalling, generally speaking, from my experience and again, in my office. The rest, of the three horsemen, mean you have to have some self-awareness.

So, how to handle this conflict?

Validate your partner. “So you felt your boss may have slighted you in the meeting? That must have made you mad.” Let them answer this. Don’t “side with the enemy,” by saying, “Well, honey, you know you over analyze things. Your boss was probably not intentionally trying to slight you.” Pretending to do a gentle startup, by saying honey, is more patronizing rather then being kind. Defending the boss instead of your partner is not going to bode well throughout the day. You know your partner, but you don’t know their boss. Even when you know the boss, you don’t know what they are like to work with. And, at the end of the day, you sleep with your partner, not the boss.

Respect your partners views, even though you disagree. My partner and I have some differing political views. I will point out that while I don’t agree with his thoughts, I do respect his right to his opinion. He likes to joke that my vote will be cancelled by his. I chide and remind that, as a woman, we got our rights so we could think for ourselves. I also let him know that I will take his thoughts into advisement when I think about my vote. This does not mean I will vote his way, nor he mine. It means I have respected, rather then argued all night about his opinion. One couple is not going to change the world, unless they work in politics, and even then, it is not just two people – in our country.

Dialogue about issues of concern. If you are unable to have a discussion about conflict in your home, then you will be facing walking on eggshells. Someone, or both, are in denial. This often happens in a Narcissistic household because the victim gives up. They may have been manipulated into not having a voice, or gaslighted whenever they do speak. It could be this topic of concern has been brought up several times but the intended person does not value their partner and does “it” anyway. It being whatever was requested in a bid for attention from the partner. By doing “it” anyway, the partner has turned away from and disrespected the partner. This initiates, the walking on eggshells, the uncomfortableness, a red flag, and feelings of bitterness.

Talking is a good thing, even if it is about an uncomfortable topic. Even if it has been brought up before. Here is my suggestion to clients:

After having a conflicted discussion, go back and use these 3 R’s:

Revisit the Conflict within 24-48 hours, after self-soothing, relinquishing the ego somewhat and thinking this through.

Repair the Conflict in this second discussion by apologizing, and/or validating the partner at this time. Tell them you have thought about this some more. Maybe you ask more questions to better understand, now that you are not so upset or flooded emotionally.

Rebuild from the Conflict or grow in the relationship by talking about how you will handle said conflict in the future. This is where couples might create a code word, for being in public, or even at home and using this identified word to replace a long discussion or keep a matter private.

Enlightenment in a relationship, comes from listening and acknowledging and validating and respecting and loving your partner. This occurs as you build from this and grow as a couple. The conflict, when respected, builds trust. This is because by standing up for your concerns, it makes you vulnerable. When your partner listens, you set boundaries. When these wishes are respected or followed through on, you feel nurtured and loved. Then you have a sense of enlightenment as a couple from the growth you have now established.

Lastly, holding a weekly State of the Union, a Gottman exercise. Revisiting the conflict again, just to check in. How is it going since we had some closure over that issue of concern? Or maybe for the second time you are bringing it up. When my couples are doing this one exercise, weekly, they are in counseling much less then most couples and, well, they save money. This is because they see that their partner respects them. They are feeling loved and supported by their partner and don’t need me! They have learned useful tools to be their own therapist. You can find this exercise online or I believe it is in your Seven Principles book written by Dr. John Gottman.

Talk it out, listen, ask questions and hold a discussion. Find a way to resolve this conflict to both partners satisfaction. Then act on it! If you are in a healthy partnership, this will happen.