Marriage has its ups and downs. There are days when you want to pack it up and leave, and days when you are so very much in love. The strength of a marriage is a testament to commitment, values, faith and of course love. All of these four components must be understood by both of you before you say “I Do.” Let’s examine this a little further.

What I meant above by “understood” is that you are both clear what it means – you spell it out. For example, commitment means to me that you will stay by my side no matter what happens. You set boundaries as no one is perfect. Another example is the boundary within that commitment: If you cheat on me, all bets are off and we are over.

The famous Mexican artist Frida Kahlo knew her famous fiancé, Diego Rivera was a philanderer. She wanted to marry him nonetheless. She told him she knew his weaknesses (establishing truth – removing the elephant), so she requested loyalty from him. This did not mean he would stop cheating. To her, it meant he would always remain by her side as a husband. That she could count on him to be there as a husband in every other sense. Essentially, he did. They still had their ups and downs, he even slept with her sister. He continued sleeping with other women. She ended up having affairs with both men and women. This is not the best example of a marriage, but one that began without lies and with the dirty laundry on the table. He was there with her in the end. It is a unique situation that I don’t recommend, I only show it to give an example and because I admire Frida and her strength as a woman. If you read her story by Hayden Herrera or watch the movie by Selma Hayek, you will see what I mean.

Unique marriages are a different story. Let’s continue talking about healthy marriages.

The marriages which begin with lies are of course going to fail. Most marriages begin with naïveté, when we are young. Some we are lying to ourselves, and some to each other. In a healthy marriage, discussions take place. Each person is honest with the other, knowing that they are very clear what is wanted and needed for this marriage to take place.

The marriage that begins in honesty and clever planning and communication will last thru the ups and downs. No different than a business that is starting up. There is a business plan, discussions, on-going communications, getting advice from more experienced businesses – thinking it through vs. racing to the bank. In a marriage, you have people who race to the alter and ignore the red flags, they are desperate for a ring and a dress. In a healthy marriage that will last the testament of time, they are taking their time, thinking things through, just like a successful business, because a marriage is a business partnership as well as a love relationship. The bond that is formed through the listening and asking questions of your partner, getting clarity, this alone creates a stronger love for the other. Women are turned on by emotional attention – integrity, honest validation, empathy, kindness, love. When you don’t listen, ask questions and get clarity, you are going to make an ass out of u and me (assume).

Just because a person is a “religious” person – even if it is your same faith – this is not a given that you will have something in common. There are many religions, many sects within that religion, and many ways of interpreting the books or tenants of these faiths. This is NOT something to overlook or assume. Do they agree similarly as to what this faith means to you? How do they feel about marriage? About Women? Children? Their parents? Family? Church? The laws and tenants of this faith? What is sacred to them and what do they gloss over? People use words very loosely but sometimes only because it looks good to say “I am Christian..Buddhist…Jewish…etc…” or it is their belief that saying this is expected in their family. Is it their truth though? You can find out by attending a religious service with them to see how they behave.

Also, just because you are not the same faith does not mean you should not be married. And, even if you believe the same way about your faith, doesn’t mean should be married. This is just one facet. The more questions you ask about someone’s values, the more you are sharing fondness and admiration, turning toward your partner and building a deeper love map (how much you know this person). Dr. Gottman says that when the first three aspects of the seven principles (from his book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) are adhered to, you have 1. A better sex life, and 2. A positive perspective in your relationship.

What are your expectations of marriage? What roles will each of you play? What will change when you say your vows? This is key to not saying “He/She changed after we married.” No one changes. People are not listening to each other or asking questions. If your person is not allowing you to ask questions or listening to what you have to say – they are not right for you, you need to leave, not keep planning a wedding. Though you should not start planning a wedding until these discussions have occurred.

When I am working with a couple who are about to marry, I give them a questionnaire with about three or four pages of questions. This outlines expectations by asking point blank everything a couple should be asking before saying “I do.” I also give them the Gottman Love Maps exercise to see how much they really know each other. This has validated a couple and it is has caused a couple to see what is missing. The idea of these questionnaires is to be clear; everything is out on the table.

Don’t be so desperate for a ring and a dress or you will be finding yourself hocking both for a lawyer. And, likewise, don’t be so settled in security and by pass all the red flags because you have already paid for the honeymoon. Better to cancel and lose a deposit than lose your house and half your retirement. Trust your instincts! Being clear with yourself is cheaper than letting things slide. All the divorced people I have worked with can vouch for this – including me.

Cohabitation. Living together to “try out the new model,” is a waste of time. If you are marriage bound be clear of your needs and wants and move-in with a ring and a date for the nuptials to take place. And, if you move-in and you end up learning something about a big red flag, not to difficult to move-out. Cheaper than waiting until after those nuptials have taken place.

Studies have shown (from a research project I was involved in in the 90’s), that the longer you live together the shorter the marriage. Generally, this means someone was tired of waiting and demanded. It means the expectation was he/she would change, grow up, straighten out through marriage. They won’t.

If you have no intentions of having children – GET A VASECTOMY, rather than being a victim. Be very clear and honest with the woman (or man). Don’t lie or pretend – have integrity with yourself. There is nothing more hypocritical then to hear a man complaining that he never wanted children and then he has them. You can’t blame a woman if you did not take responsibility. Likewise, not okay to use abortion for your pill.

Being honest means you have confidence and integrity with yourself. You do not have to a be a “dick” about setting this boundary either. Explain it gently when it seems you want to be serious with someone. Likewise if you want children end the relationship when the man or woman says they don’t. This shows you have integrity with your boundaries, not just saying one thing and doing another. You can love someone and still end a relationship. You will then open yourself up to someone who is the right fit for you.

When you are with someone who shares your values, your beliefs, whom you are stimulated by intellectually and there is a mutual interest in each other; it is easy to fall in love.

When you have none of this it is easy to see him/her as a narcissist. This is because we are so desperate for love and determined to stay with them even if it means we are victimizing ourselves in order to be right.

Honesty is scary but if you can accept this from another it is a beautiful gift of validation.

By now you can read that finding the person who is right for you is hard work and takes dedication. You have to give up selling yourself because you are tired of waiting or because there was “chemistry.” Chemistry is something that happens when you are both horny and turned on by each other. Patience is what happens when you feel that chemistry and stick to your values by taking your time and getting to know that person. Sleeping with someone is not love, it is a way to not be lonely for the night. If you do this before getting to know someone, you are likely to fall into a comfortable emotional trap.

Love is a connection of two minds and it is formed through an honest look at who the other is and what they bring to the table.

Marriage is a commitment and the knowledge that the road forward will be one that both of you will choose to support the other. It should be chosen only with confidence, self-esteem and integrity to yourself. You should be clear what their pros and cons are and that you do not wish for them to be any different.

Marriage should also only occur when both partners are mentally healthy and stable, and have a financial plan for the future – that protects both of you. It is also, as I have mentioned above, the values that both of you agree with. Values and beliefs that you are both very clear about. Not talked into, but believe, respect, honor, and are comfortable with.

Do not move in together without a ring and a date, as I have shown – for that wedding to take place within that year. Unless your goal is to share yourself with someone and never marry or not have children and in this case, make sure there is a planned agreement on how this will not take place. Create a contract for cohabitation either way. Create an ending also if someone violates this contract in some way.

All of this is the key to not having romantic delusion and selling your friends on this person being “the right one,” and instead realizing that your partner is right for you.

Finally, be very clear of your boundaries and what you need and want. Visualize what this looks like, write it down, manifest it in your life. At the same time, don’t think that just because you do this, the first person who walks in your life must be the one. You still need to take the time to make sure they weren’t just a test to see if you are paying attention. Instead, visualizing and manifesting will help you to gain confidence and be strong enough to attract the person who will be right for you.