Recently, my client began to become aware of her mother and father both being what she would presume to be a narcissist. I had know they were showing symptoms of this all along, but she wasn’t ready yet and I am not going to push someone. The awareness was like “coming out of the closet,” excitement/honeymoon stage of “Aha, I finally have some answers.” Now, we are at the “Now what stage” and not feeling so excited. “How do I hang out with them? I like some things about them and don’t want to abandon them but at the same time, how do I deal with this” (paraphrased). This is the question I am asked so often. And, now I will give you some thoughts on this.

Firstly, I want to step back and explain that like with the client above, many people come to me to talk about the “husband/partner” or the wife. I might mention that this can often be a result of growing up with trauma (i.e., NPD parent, mental illness, addictions, PTSD/TBI, domestic violence, etc…). I only throw it out there to plant a seed. At some point they may or may not release their denial and begin to have some awareness. Sometimes they know right away “Oh yeah, my mom was a narcissist,” but sometimes they don’t. With the non-Narcissistic parent, the other mental health conditions mentioned in parenthesis above can sometimes look like narcissism even though it is just a trait due to their mental health concern. As I have said before, we all have narcissism/ego to some degree – we are human. And, in my article “When is it not Narcissism,” you can learn more there.

Once I have planted the seed, eventually people have breakthroughs. As we are working together, they begin to examine their entire life. Then they want to know how to cope with this.

BOUNDARIES

LETTING GO OF EXPECTATIONS – DON’T NEED ANYTHING FROM THEM

SHIFT YOUR NEED FOR THEM TO FIT INTO A ROLE YOU DESIRE

BE PREPARED TO SET THE SAME BOUNDARIES AND EXPLAIN THEM OVER AND OVER

I am going to start with the second two above. You have to stop expecting your parents to fit into a Hallmark card moment. It is excruciating picking out a Mother’s Day/Father’s Day card because your parent is NOT a “great friend to hang out with,” or “you always give such great advice,” or “I love how I can always turn to you.” Nope, they do not fit any of these bills or any of the other sappy quotes you might find at your nearest store. Personally, I prefer the blank cards with the pretty pictures. Then you can insert your “Thank you for being my mother,” and sign your name. Or something equally benign.

A narcissistic parent is NOT going to ever fit into a role that you desire to have so you have to stop expecting this as well. It is about the same as what I said above, but I wanted to say it differently as we hear things and relate to different ways of speaking. They are not going to go to therapy, except to complain about their partner or how you are difficult – but even this is rare. They might get better and they might get worse, it really depends on life circumstances. When I say better, I just mean they might be happier for a time being.

They are going to control your children if you let them. Sometimes you may not have a choice, as a client of mine dealt with many years ago when their mom circumvented a situation with CPS and obtained custody of the child. Your children don’t know your parent like you do. They will NOT see Narcissism. Some might when they grow older but generally they don’t. Grandparents will be perfect little angels to their little darlings, lavishing them with gifts and candy and what kid will say no to this? Tips: Don’t let your parents become your dependable babysitter (unless you have no other choice). Don’t depend on your parents for your kids (money, rides, whenever something breaks down), because once you need them they will take over your life. They will take over raising your children and you won’t know where you start and they begin.

What happens when grandparents take over, the children will often be turned against you. They will take gifts and candies side vs. your rules and restrictions. Unless grandparents teach the grandkids to respect their parents and parents teach their kids to respect grandparents (two way street), you will become the bad guy and the scapegoat.

Boundaries – for yourself, your kids, your extended family and whomever else is involved. Set rules, don’t keep kids away from grandparents – unless there is abuse/neglect – but make sure you are the parent and they are clear what the rules are.

Examples:

1. Visiting the narcissistic parent – be aware of the time. Don’t spend the night at their house, get a hotel. Explain that you want some privacy and your own space while visiting them (even if you are single). Tell them you are going to spend some time with them and some time visiting the city. When they are local, plan to stay for an hour or a few but give yourself a fall back plan if they start to trigger you or bait you with a question designed to put you down when you lease expect it. When it is time to leave, you must get up and go. Don’t sit there continuing to be emotionally abused.
2. Explanations of boundaries – they will constantly question like a child, “I just don’t understand why you won’t stay the night.” or “I just don’t understand why you won’t let us pay for XXX.” The reason for this is that they are never listening. They don’t have the self-awareness to put some thought into this. They may ask if they have done something wrong, but it will only be a way to find out why it is really your fault. It isn’t to realize they should do some work on themselves.
3. Be careful with the past – again, they are not self-aware and bringing up sexual, physical, emotional abuse is going to be more traumatizing for you. “It was your fault,” will come out of this, no accountability on their part. You will leave feeling much worse than you came. You will begin to question your memory of the experience and try to fit into their narrative. Also, what I have experienced is parents selective memory. “It wasn’t really that bad, you just …” or “I don’t remember that.” or “You were only spanked one time,” when there was on-going beatings or corporal punishment of another type.
4. Elderly parents – start setting limits now because otherwise, you will become their caretaker. An aging narcissistic parent is much worse than an independently functioning parent. If it is too late, you can still set limits by taking control of their living arrangements and telling them they “Will utilize Home Health Aide,” because you are unable to work 8 hours and then come in to do their laundry and cook their meals and then go home to your family, to do the same. I have seen this in a couple of occasions and the women were stuck in a family web dictated by the parent. There are many options for independent living, home health aide, nursing homes, etc… Don’t guilt trip yourself that finally you will get the recognition you seek from your parent. YOU WON’T! Even on their death bed.

These are just a few things that I have come up with from listening to client stories and my own personal experience. You can continue to be a doormat, with your own mental and physical and spiritual health neglected completely, or you can rise up and have your own life. The latter is called differentiating and becoming an individual. It is never too late. My favorite story is a person who had their 40th birthday – with their spouse and best friends – the first ever without parents. It was the happiest day for them ever and they didn’t need me after this. They got it! You can too. You are not alone, you don’t need to punish yourself, forget about your religious assumptions. I am not saying don’t honor thy father/mother, I am saying that taking care of your parents by making sure they are taken care of, is the same as if you did it yourself. Mental health wasn’t understood at the creation of time. It is now.