Remember as kid when you and your siblings would go down the “you started it,” trail? The emotional immaturity does not stop when you are in a relationship with a narcissist. You are in a relationship with them and want to hold them accountable to something and they immediately go on the defense with a “Well, you did this.” You get so focused on what they are saying, trying to please them, that you start forgetting what you wanted to have that conversation with them for in the first place. Sound familiar? Perhaps you need to keep reading.

If the person you are in a relationship with (they don’t have to be a narcissist specifically) who is twisting the story around is trying to save face – just like when you were a kid. Being on the defense (one of Dr. Gottman’s 4 Horsemen causing the Apocalypse of the Relationship), is something I see happening with my couples who have been wounded by trauma in childhood. I saw this and recognized this one day because I was guilty myself. If you grow up feeling unheard – due to trauma from abuse, narcissistic parents, addictions, mental illness, well, as an adult, you are going to keep fighting to be heard. This is an unmet need from childhood that you are desperately creating a path for with a partner (or boss or friend or whomever). How do you stop this, or what is the antidote as Dr. Gottman would say, “Take Responsibility.” You start by just being strong enough to practice saying “You are right, I did that.”

With a narcissist, you can do this and then go back to them and say, “You are right, I was guilty of that action. I started the conversation talking about what action that you had taken that is not okay with me.” Now, this is a very good way to turn a situation around. With a healthier mindset, this may work and the person may actually listen and take responsibility. However, it may not work. They may not accept your admission of guilt by continuing to bring up other things. Generally what happens, the victim of this partner is so worn out from this debilitating conversation that they give up and let it go. This is what a narcissist is counting on. Or a highly manipulative person for another reason. Don’t.

Consider couples counseling with a therapist who specializes in working with narcissistic personality disorder, addictions, or whatever mental illness this person has that you are in a relationship with. If they specialize in this, they are more apt to see what is happening in your relationship. You don’t need to tell your partner that this is what they specialize in. Just look for the person who does this AND couples and approach your partner. Generally speaking they won’t be open to this, but often they are more open to this then individual. Especially if there is an ultimatum. Either you do this or I am ending this relationship. Something needs to give!

In this type of scenario, chicken/egg, you know that you brought the discussion to the table, so your concerns came before theirs. They can have their turn after you are finished talking about what you wanted to make them aware of. You can try telling them this as well. Notice I keep saying try. If you are in a relationship with a very manipulative person, nothing nice that you try is really going to do the trick, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t attempt this. At least then, you can be more sure about whether or not this is a relationship that you want to be in.

Couples counseling, I have found, often gets people off the fence by having the victim see – through the eyes of therapy, the therapist’s direction, what you have been seeing all along.