Personally, I can only imagine as I did not grow up in one nor was I allowed to raise my own. However, I am reading a political book right now, about a very famous/infamous (depending on who would hear the name) woman and her hidden subtitle might be “Growing Up in a Healthy Household.” I am withholding her name because I want to focus on my intent here. Her book is a very controversial but factual storyline about a life changing event in our country. Her father is a previous Vice-President and the two of them wrote a book together. Her mother has written several books, one of which she brought up in this book – that I will be reading next. As she writes about her family, brought up for various reasons, it is to share different things within the context of her book. For me, it kept hitting home, what it must be like to have two healthy parents.

Her parents have stayed married, both are still alive. She is married and has five children. The way she speaks about her own children and her parents, you can hear the pride. The foundation she was given is important to explain here as it is worth noting – what it takes is more than just a glimpse in the photo above.

She speaks of parents instilling good values, which they themselves embodied. She speaks of being able to have conversations with her parents – who value her opinion as well as validating what she has to say. Not to mention, what she says without saying is there was a differentiation process (or a separation/individuation) which was allowed when she became an adult. This last sentence is the most important thing a parent can give to their children. Allowing them to grow up, make mistakes and become their own person. It means when the adult children call and ask for advice, the parents give their advice without telling them what to do. Instead of saying, “I’ll wire you some money,” or “Why don’t you just come home and let us take care of you,” they most likely explained “You might want to give AAA a call and let them assist you.” or “It is important to not break your lease, or it will cause you a lot of financial pain and credit problems, what is another way you can handle this?”

I had a healthy role model/supervisor when I first began to train as a psychotherapist. He would meet with me and say, “Oh, how did you come to this decision?” or “What made you choose this diagnosis?” It was my first experience with this type of training. I didn’t know what to make of it. I was so afraid of what he would say, thinking I did something wrong all the time. I thought he would just say “This is right and this is wrong.” I was used to black/white coaching or demanding or no room for questions. I asked him one day how come he asks me these type of questions. He said, he wanted me to understand why I was choosing the decisions I had made. He wanted me to have confidence in myself, and didn’t want to mold me into him. This just blew me away! Such respect he had for me. I was dumbfounded but learned a great deal and it was nice to be respected in this new profession.

The other comments I read in this book, from this woman, is how she can confide in her parents and ask them for advice. Since her book is so controversial and because her political future was pretty much ruined as a result of her honesty, she turned to her parents first. They told her she was doing the right thing. They already knew so much of the background, since she had contacted them all along, before the book. She also received a lot of praise from other big dignitaries, including the president that her father served under. There is no way that without the confidence she had from parents first and then other political big wigs second, that she could stand up and say what she is saying. It is personal integrity. Not everyone wants to hear what she has to say. Not everyone likes the truth.

I dealt with a much smaller issue in the government years ago, all alone. I had no one to really turn to, who understood and could give good advice. Without good parenting, you make decisions with guilt, with fear, or you may not make them at all. Why bother? I can’t imagine doing what she did without the good parenting and then not expect to get slaughtered emotionally. Certainly she lost her job, she lost her credibility (with some die-hards), but she gained the respect of many more people, she had self-respect, she had her husband, her children, her parents, and other very important people in her corner. She sacrificed and did the right thing for the American people. It is not hard to have respect for someone who is willing to do just this.

Integrity is a character trait that I value highly in myself and others. If I would have written this book, that would have been the title. She chose something more politically “in your face,” but in a diplomatic way. Her title is eye catching, makes you want to grab it. Whereas, my title might have sounded like a motivational book.

I try to bring in the word Ego and Integrity all the time in my practice, where it is the most valuable and educational. People misunderstand both words. Personal integrity are words people don’t often use in speaking of themselves. Today’s modern term is “Agency,” but this word means a non-profit to me. Integrity is something I came to know in a self-empowerment workshop in the 80’s, I feel it in my body when I speak it. I had to learn this word, understand what it meant, learn how to set boundaries, learn how ask for what I wanted, how to respect myself. Someone with good parenting, who grows up in a healthy household, learns all of these traits at home. They attend college, they marry well, they live a good life. Not to say they have no lessons to learn, this book is quite a lesson to deal with as a human being. The difference between her and I, is that she had a safety net to fall on, she had the love and support of family and husband.

Healthy parenting doesn’t come from a book or from a talk show, it comes from your own healthy parenting, it is passed down from generation to generation. It can also be learned or taught, though I would surmise the authenticity is deeper and more comfortable when it is a ritual that is passed down.