As I was talking to a client the other day, they spoke of their shock and now a feeling of the “reality sinking in,” but still having no clue what happened, I kept thinking about how to explain this. I suddenly said that it felt like it was invisible, or stealth and seemed like gaslighting. Many people break-up with a partner, there is no clue at all, some thoughts but no idea about the “why.” The reality is the cognitive dissonance, remembering all the good times they had and then out of nowhere “the rug is pulled out from under them.”

This seemed like invisible gaslighting to me. Nothing is really said or spoken out loud, no closure occurs, ghosting might take place, the relationship just “ends.” I am left picking up the pieces and trying to help the client find some answers – to help them not feel as if they are crazy. They believed themselves to be in a pretty good relationship. Typically, gaslighting occurs when a person is saying something to try to make you question your own reality of the what happened. But what about when they disappear and say nothing, after a really great relationship?

Healthy relationships are when two mature people are talking things out, having discussions, being comfortable with disagreements – or eventually going back to repair them and apologize. Unhealthy relationships or “attachments” avoid conflict like the plague. They believe communication will lead to an argument, which they are uncomfortable with. They may also make an argument out of nothing – just to deal with the long amounts of time that has passed where they have been passive/aggressive. Or argue when you try to ask a question about something. They are incapable of handling another’s opinion about something. There is too much inner stress for them when you have an idea or thought – how can they handle more than one thought? These people, in the unhealthy relationship handle break-ups harshly.

Often, unhealthy relationships end with name calling, yelling, accusing, elaborating on small things, and it goes nowhere. You walk away feeling relieved to be done with that “moron.” You swear to never go out with someone like “him/her” again. At least in this scenario, you have something to go on. You have heard them loud and clear.

Then there is the gaslighting ending, where the person makes up stuff to end the relationship. Literally comes ups with some elaborate story to call it quits and make you the bad guy. But what about the one who has no story, no closure, no yelling and screaming, just ends it for nothing. You question your reality of the relationship. They communicate nothing and it is over.