My client is reading the book “Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up’s Guide for Getting Over Narcissistic Parents,” by Dr. Nina W. Brown. As we were talking, they made a comment about their parent “Re-writing the story,” to make it fit with their narrative now. I loved the way it was stated and decided to write about this. It is so important to understand when you are the Adult Child of a Narcissistic Parent. Your parent is going to “remember” things way differently than you did. They will remember it the way it makes them feel comfortable AND, in a way where they don’t have to be held accountable for their actions.

The type of re-writing will be in relation to anything that made them look bad as a parent. They did not abuse you, they may have hit you “one time.” They did not cheat on your other parent, they will instead say “well, you know what I did,” without stating the facts – they are unable to say it out loud. This can also occur with drugs or any other type of unruly behavior. They may also say “We were young, you don’t know what it was like back then.” Any type of re-writing will be done to accuse the adult child of not having sympathy for them. It will seem like it really wasn’t that bad and you are just taking things “too personally.” They may also tell you that “You need to get over it.” One of the most favorite sayings is “Your childhood wasn’t that bad. Why do you have to keep bringing these things up?”

The consequence of parents changing the story is that this is gaslighting and it is going to make the adult child confused or defensive. Either they will question whether or not they understood their own interpretation of what happened or they will know the parent is wrong and become extremely defensive, thereby challenging their parent. The parent enjoys this game because they know they are going to win. Even if the parent becomes upset and throws the adult child out of the house or tells them they don’t want to speak to them again – the parent still feels that they won. Now, they will have a new story to share with other people in the family, one that will continue to keep others on their side.

Why, because the new narrative about the defensiveness that the adult child got into with the parent will be re-told to make the parent look like the victim and the child looking like the perpetrator of injustice. Family members will choose sides, but ultimately, the parent will win. This is because everyone in the family has learned to placate this parent. The real victim has been the scapegoat their whole life so they are already the “loser.”

Here is the moral to this story. One, read the book mentioned above and learn more. Another suggestion I give to my clients is to “not have expectations of your parents,” this means you should not need them for love and nurturing (or anything else) – because they are unable to give it. Instead, you have to get these needs met through a surrogate parent, your partner or spouse, your friends, or an ally in your family (who gets it). You want to focus on setting boundaries around your narcissistic (or emotionally immature parent) and limit your time with them. In my workshop on Udemy, I have a homework assignment that teaches people how to differentiate – from the parents and form their own sense of self. This is key to growing into a healthy individual and beginning to raise healthy children, should you and your spouse choose to have them.

P.S. If you subscribe to this website, I will send you a code to take the Udemy course for only $9.99.