Tina Turner’s bio-movie in 1993, “What’s Love Got to Do With it,” starring Angela Bassett and Laurence Fishburne (as Ike Turner), was probably the first celebrity “coming out” about domestic violence. Tina, married Ike at a very young age of 23. She knew him for six years before this, though they were not a couple the whole time. At the time of their marriage, he had two sons, she had a son and they had a son together. Ike, turned out to be violently abusive, pushed drugs/alcohol on her and was a womanizer to boot. Tina actually tried to consider suicide at one point in the marriage. I think the movie really made people think about him as a person, but also made her a heroine.

What was fascinating about her story, was how a friend turned her in the direction of Buddhism to begin the process of strengthening her as a woman. This, she has credited as a tool for getting her power back. Reclaiming her life, her career and becoming a huge success in the music industry. I would say even more successful then the time with her husband. I think most of us can point to at least two or three Tina Turner songs, but I can’t even think of one with her ex-husband. However, I am not a music aficionado, so I am speaking for the average person. It was fascinating that she turned to Buddhism, because, at this time, not a lot of people knew about this philosophy. We were mainly in the religious categories of Jewish and Christian, in our country.

While Tina did not write the song, mentioned in the title above (of this post and her movie), it speaks to her story and to the tales of so many other women in abusive relationships. She sings of love being a “second hand emotion.” The lyrics talk about the feelings you get when you are with the man you love, but “who needs a heart when a heart can be broken.” What she is really talking about, which wasn’t a term used back then, is “I am in a trauma bond, and I am trying to make my way out of this and focus on reality.” The song is filled with mixed messages, “you do it for me,” but then there is “It may seem to you that I’m acting confused” and then she goes on to talk about her dissociation since she is in a “daze.” She even mentions there’s a name for the “dazed” space she is in, she read it somewhere. Yes, it is dissociation.

Chemistry, good sex, great love, these are hallmarks of some trauma bond situations that cause the person to feel like there is “something between us.” There isn’t. There is only sex, lust and your feelings. A person, like Ike, is a player, he used Tina to raise his children and their own. He used her because he got more publicity with the band and the music he was creating with her. If he thought she was really that wonderful, he would have respected her and made sure to treat her like the Goddess she was. But, like most narcissistic men, there is no self-awareness, no one but them, and in his case, he added the violence, which to me says that he had some jealousy toward her. It tells me that he felt inferior to her in some way and needed to “take her down a peg or two,” (a favorite line you might hear from a batterer). Narcissists fear being inferior to others. I believe he ended up in prison for some time, after this marriage ended. Wikipedia mentions that he was later diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. There is no excuse for abuse, and your diagnosis, whatever it is, doesn’t include abusing people as a symptom.

If you feel that you might be in a trauma bond – dazed and confused about the man/woman you are crazy about, have chemistry with, but you know your heart has been broken, it is important that you talk to someone – a psychotherapist. Someone who specializes in understanding abuse, trauma, narcissism, domestic violence type relationships. Know that the path to getting your power back is going to be a process including the mind/body/spirit. It might take some time to pull it together and KNOW, really know that you are not going to return to this person. When you do, you are a survivor and beginning to awaken to the real you.