What does a narcissist look like? According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5 – 0-6% of the population has an actual diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and of this population 75% are male. I am going to tell you the traits of a narcissistic person, not the diagnostic criteria. I don’t want you to get caught up in what the diagnosis is because it doesn’t matter. If you are a therapist reading this, than you will know where to look to find this answer but what really matters is the personality type, not the diagnosis. This is because you are not working with the narcissist but with the survivor. If you are the survivor, you need to focus on YOUR LIFE right now.

Therapist Notes: If you are working with a couple, you can try to support the survivor and do your best to help the narcissist listen and practice being the listener in the relationship (Rappaport or Gottman-Rappaport Exercise). It is tougher working with couples when there is a narcissist present. Often they will not stay in therapy – my sense is because the narcissist doesn’t see the point. I have tried referring the narcissist to individual with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (which I am not) or a specialist who works with this population but I don’t say it is because they are a narcissist. What I have noticed with couples is that if there is a lot of money involved, it is harder for the financially dependent person to leave – they don’t want to give up this life. If there isn’t a lot of money on the line, usually the survivor is ready to leave after giving couples therapy “one last shot,” at the relationship.

Below is an example of the traits you will see from a narcissistic person (and you will see most if not all of these – not just one):

1. “It’s not my fault, it’s yours” (re-framing the chaos). Never saying they are sorry.

2. Only allowing people to praise them; when you try to hold them accountable, they will turn it back on you. “I am not a Narcissist you are.” You always or you never phrases might come into play here. They also love pulling in their friends, and might make a statement like this: “My friends say that I shouldn’t even be with you.” They might also say “My friends say that I am not a drug addict and I am not even using except when I am with you.”

3. Not requesting permission, just doing what they feel is right to them. This can happen in the bedroom. A dominant sexual partner who engages in a behavior with the non-dominant partner even after they have said several times that they are not really interested in sex “that way.” This can also happen out of the bedroom, for instance a person engaging in an inappropriate behavior and then laughing about it at someone’s expense.

4. Not saying I love you or the opposite, Love Bombing – It seems like they do but they never really say this. This can happen with different types of narcissistic people such as a player but it is not always going to happen with a narcissist. And with a covert narcissist, they are going to say they love you and shower you with praises “You are a Goddess,” and then, when they have gotten tired of the game, break you down, like a snake slithering over your body; one bite at a time.

4 a. Mimicking – What I saw with my ex is that he would mimic me. He liked what I liked, in a subtle way. I even tried to test this theory a couple of times. One time he was on to me but didn’t say anything or mimic. The last time we were together, he didn’t love bomb me at all. When I looked up at him, it was as if he were saying “We’re done, that is the last time.” I recall this in retrospect of course. I try to teach women to make sure, on a date, he answers first before you do. Don’t let him turn the conversation on to you. Otherwise, what a coincidence, he feels the same way. So many times in my past relationship, I thought we were in agreement, felt the same way, had a lot in common. Nothing could have been further from the truth. He had no integrity to an intimate relationship with a woman.

5. Pulling the rug out from under you (Switching personalities)/Gaslighting. First, you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to him and then you are a peace of dirt. If you watch the movie Gaslight, with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer – two outstanding actors and the best version of this film, as far as I am concerned; you can see this dynamic played out on screen. Gaslighting means one thing, he is trying to talk you into something that never happened. It does not mean “lying” but he is “lying.” The difference would be that this lie never happened and he is trying to turn it on you – you did it or it is your fault.

6. Unable to see others pain, empathize, dismissing this or ignoring it altogether. If you are crying they might just sit there or go into another room. After dislocating my shoulder, I met with a young female client (this was in social services) who kept talking to me about herself and issues of concern. Her brother walked into the room and was immediately focused on my well-being. Now, in her case, she was not a narcissist (you don’t diagnose children with this). She was on way too many medications and had a lot of trauma. After she was weaned off the meds (in a better group home), I saw her become empathic toward me one day and I almost fell on the floor.

7. When caught “with their pants down” can explode and even become violent. This means, be careful confronting this type of person with a truth that they hold sacred (meaning a truth they lie about or are in denial over). For example, a parent who tells the survivor they were never abused (as a child) and then kicks them out of the house because they are tired of hearing about how abused the survivor was. There is a need to get the parent to validate the abuse. They won’t. Sometimes the narcissist will say “I don’t know what you are talking about.” They might one up you with “You think you had it bad, I…” Don’t take risks is the moral here. I have had clients who did and came back to tell me how they were assaulted by the parent or partner. I had a client threaten to harm me once in social services, after I called her out on her lies. Luckily, I was sitting there with a group home staff member and I had my cell phone on with my supervisor on the other end.

8. People who are friends with the narcissist question the survivors’ views of them as a narcissist. Friends of a narcissistic person won’t see the same things you do. If you are the scapegoat of a parent who has narcissistic traits or are a partner of one, you are very intimate with this person and they will treat you much differently than they treat their friends, who have no intimate relationship with them. For example, you have sex with your partner – they aren’t having sex with their friends and their friends don’t have the same dependency on them – or need to be loved. Your parent is all you have; you need them to be loved. Your parents’ friends don’t need them to be loved as they have their own parents to love them.

9. Making “I” statements instead of “We” statements. You aren’t someone they hold dear and it is all about them. “I am going to Europe in July.” Not, my spouse and I or just telling their friends “We are.” They are unable to take responsibility for a relationship and are usually excluding you in their mind (unconsciously). When people meet new people in a setting and the flirtation excludes marital status. As a single woman, I have heard all kinds of stories from men as they tried to flirt with me. There have been times, in the past, when I myself have tried to flirt with a man but he stopped me by making me very aware of his wife or girlfriend. The narcissist is going after what he wants, no matter the expense to others. The healthy person in a relationship will set boundaries. Listen to how your partner introduces you.

10. Contempt statements which are designed to make you feel less than them in some way. “You don’t know how to…” When you talk about yourself and they laugh or make a face that is in a sarcastic tone. Another way to make contemptuous statements is alluding to, “I am better than you, smarter than you, richer than you.” I call the contempt statements the “snake in the grass.” Often when I work with couples, I might hear this statement being spoken to a partner and it takes me a minute to think about what they just said. These statements can slither out unsuspectingly, or calmly, so it seems that they are being kind when they are being mean instead. Often the narcissist will then go into defensive mode. “I was being nice about it.” Or “I didn’t mean any harm by that, you know that don’t you?”

They did mean harm but have been engaged in this pattern of protecting themselves for so long, they actually believe they did no harm. They won’t understand when you say that they did harm you because they are unable to self-reflect. They will push it back on you. “I didn’t mean any harm by that, you know that don’t you,” can be translated to mean [with a narcissist] if you don’t know that then something is wrong with you. That is a snake in the grass contempt statement.

11. Abuse is always a part of a narcissistic relationship, even if it is JUST emotional. As if “just” weren’t enough but I can tell you that most people feel they were not in an abusive relationship because it was only felt on an emotional level. The longer you are with a narcissistic person it can lead to physical abuse, though emotional abuse is often more painful and lasting than physical. Meanwhile, I also see sexual abuse and financial abuse as a strong second to emotional. Sexual abuse can take directions such as doing things he wants to do but you are uncomfortable with (i.e., three-somes, bondage, voyeurism, fetishes, awkward positions, porno etc…). These things are fine if you are both agreeing to it but if you are not in agreement and he/she has talked you into it; it is not okay. Even if you are married and your partner forces you to have sex – it is rape. Your state may not protect you but it is rape. Sexual abuse can occur with narcissistic parents as well. They believe they have this right over their children. Financial abuse is when you are given an amount that they feel like giving you or they pay for everything and you have no access to money at all (even if you work).  Financial abuse often leads to such dependency that people are afraid to leave their partner for this reason alone. Believe me I understand not wanting to give up the country club, the Mercedes, the mansion, the nanny, the ski lodge, the trips to Saks and the “mani-pedi’s.” I understand and yet it is self-sabotage as well. None of those things bring happiness unless you are in a healthy relationship with a wonderful person. I also know that to be true on a personal level.

A dozen roses being given to a woman from a man she loves and who is equally in love with her is so much more rewarding and lovely and beautiful than when they come from a man who lays them on the counter or you do not know love from or feel it from them.

Men with narcissistic type women tend to deal with financial abuse, emotional and sexual. It can be physical but they may not admit this. The sexual might be manipulation “I will have sex with you, if you…” or just ignoring their needs (for months then years). The longer a man has been in his relationship with his wife, there are usually years, he tells me. Men tend to stay for a long time. They will tell me they are people pleasers.

Lastly, narcissistic traits will show up in a variety of diagnoses. A person who is an addict, will put their addiction first and everything else second. Don’t enable, make them go into treatment or leave them. If the relationship is that important to them and you leave them, chances are they will get help. If they don’t, than this tells you something. A person who has a mental illness is struggling with the depression or the manic episode and it seems like they are not focusing on anything else. This is because biologically, they are unable to – not because they don’t want to. There are medications to treat mental illness but it can take time to find the right dosage or medication. Patience is what they need if they are working on their mental health (in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist). If they are not working on themselves; you are not going to save them. You are definitely not going to make them “feel better.” If your partner had cancer would you think they didn’t need treatment because your love would make the disease disappear?  

There are other personality disorders besides Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They all come across as a narcissistic person in different ways. Likewise, someone who was the “Hero” to the narcissistic parent or that child in the family who can do no wrong, they will come across as a narcissistic person. This is because their whole life, they could do no wrong. It is hard for them to understand that they may have faults. They can be very annoying to be around at times too. A person who was the placater to the narcissistic parent can come across as narcissistic. The placater is the person who is joining with the parent to keep the calm. They can end up over-identfying with the narcissistic parent and feel that they themselves (the placater) don’t do anything wrong either. They are like twins (this is not the scapegoat) it is the person in the family who constantly agrees with the parent, who is always rationalizing what the parent says or defending them. Also, anyone with a position of power can come across as a narcissist. Sometimes this happens because you perceive them to be this way and sometimes it can happen because they usurp their power as they go up the ranks. I have a little more faith in these hero’s and placater’s or CEO’s getting help with the right person there to gently guide them back to reality. It would have to be someone they trust or look up to for some reason and will ultimately listen to. A true narcissist is probably not going to go into treatment. It is available but don’t beat yourself up if they don’t go. What is important for you and your family is your sanity. If this is compromised than perhaps you need to re-consider your relationship to the narcissist.